Heart and Home Chats

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 1002, 19 June 1930, Page 6

Heart and Home Chats

By

Anne Rutledge

311ns Anne Uutledge will answer letters In this column every Thttrs day An accomplished writer, an ardent feminist, a student of human nature and a wide traveller she ts well fitted for the task. T host v:ho have problems and tack o confidante to help in their solution may with confidence write to Miss Rutledge, whose knowledge will hr placed at their disposal A eym pathetic woman, she will assist those who stand in need of assistance Communications for Miss Rutledge should be addressed tc. THE SUN office A SECOND IN SIGHT Dear Miss Rutledge,— 1 am a widow of 35, fairly goodlooking, and have an income of £3 a week for the rest of my life. An elderly widower is quite fond of me and wishes me to marry him. The reason I hold back is because 1 was so very happy .with my former husband, and I do not think it possible to he as happy with any other man. Then, too, although I am very lonely, I feel that my husband would not wish me to re-marry. I do wish that you could advise me, because although ! shall always love my late husband •uid revere iiis memory, I do feel much admiration for my widower friend. UNCERTAIN. AXSIVER To find the solution to your problem, 1 think it advisable to ask you the following questions:— 1. If you re-marry a man of estimable character, will you not pay your late husband a compliment, inasmuch as such an act would seem to impart the need of another to help till the void his absence has naturally brought about? 2. Do you, practically a young woman, desire to spend the rest of your days pining in loneliness, fretting in your heart for someone who will “understand”? o. Are you capable in the matter of handling your financial affairs or would you allow the distinctly unfair tribute to your husband’s memory of another man playing ducks and drakes with your money? 4. Do you feel that you are in the “front stalls’* when in the widower’s company, or do you feel that he occupies a “best” seat while you are in the “gallery”? 5. We all know how odious are comparisons, but ask yourself how many times a day you might be tempted to comparo a new spousu with the departed one. In summing up, 1 might point out that a first experience should have thoroughly educated you in the matter of dealing with husbands. Although the philosophers tell us it is impossible to know what to expect of a woman, there is little difference as to map’s divergence of characteristics. “To travel safely is better, sometimes, than to arrive,” so paddle your own canoe until you are quite clear regarding the above questions. ANNE RUTLEDGE. THE HAPPY MOTHER

Dear .Mi s Rutledge,— I would like to ask your opinion uu a matter that has been vexing me for a long time; namely—family—small or large? Let me hasten to add that ours is a large one of ten children, five boys and live girls. Quite recently a friend remarked that she would not care to have so many children.

I think at the back of every right ■thinking and loving parent’s mind is the desire to do the best for the child or children, but do the childr n appreciate it? Are they more loving and affectionate where there are fewer children? Are not the sacrifices and denials of those same parents often utterly lost sight of by the children? With a large family, unless one has a bountiful supply of this world’s goods, parents as well as children have to do without luxuries, and the question arises: are the children any better for th s mentally, morally and physically where there Is a small family? They could not possibly be more self-reliant, for where there are many li tic ones, each must do for itself. In a home where there is always a baby, or one expected, intense happiness in the home life seems to follow as a very natural thing. But, tigain the question occurs to me, does the child of small or large family stand for greater development of character? Which has the greater opportunity? Does the child of luxury, with more leisure moments, develop into a better man or woman '> Is the mental outlook —where there are many children —warped in its infancy? Our children have no toys, nor do they bother about them; they find so many things to interest them, and they are wonderfully jolly. Each has its own tiny garden, and each finds great joy in planning and arranging the same| They do not go to pictures, and our food has of necessity to be of the very plainest; no one’s palate is pandered to, no iced cakes, tizzy drinks, etc. I wonder, because the children could have so much more in the way of clothes and outings were there fewer of them, but with all the •roughing It” they are gloriously healthy. Education, too, troubles me. Perhaps their chances in life would have been so much better, but, again, 1 console myself because life itself is continued education. 1 repeat, too. to myself that if they have ability they will strive to rise. Am f mistaken in believing that it is not a matter of material advantages? That in not seeking too much their own pleasure, the children might find greater happiness along life’s way by giving and not receiving all the time? Does not the accumulation of this world’s goods, tend to cloy the better instincts. I would value your opinion, for as 1 have deliberately chosen to have a large family, I wonder have I robbed the children? What do you think? Is it not a subject for legislators, and is not the time coming when our politicians will arrange laws to help parents of large families for the betterment of all concerned? MOTHER. ,1 A'.S' WER Before I deal with your letter, allow me to compliment you upon the wisdom and clearsightedness that you are expressing, and it is evident that you need have no fear about the upbringing of your children. A mother with your practical ideals is an example of unselfishness and nobility. The nation needs more women with that glorious pioneer spirit. and although you will he greatly compensated for your eager activity with the development of your wee ones, I think your greatest reward comes with I lie satisfaction of giving and receiving—tire secret of true greatness. In this respect, vr.ur letter reminds me of a story I heard when a child, which seemed to illustrate life very clearly to me. A kindly lecturer pointed out that the Sea of tfahlee, which received the River .lordan, and also poured out waters that ran into the Dead Sea, was full of life and teemed with lish,

I whereas, tlie Dead Sea received only—and became dead! I The question of having a large family j should really be a subject of the parents’

i fitness. Circumstances alter cases very j radically, and i do not agree with unI healthy or physically weak parents attempting to shoulder the responsibility of a large family. From my experience, I should certainly say that healthy and well brought up children of a large family have a great advantage over the only child, who often is surrounded by fear, over precaution, and anxiety, with the result that the failure to build up resistance has its natural reaction. Also, a spoilt child becomes a nuisance, and its development toward selfishness warps its outlook upon life and its chances for happiness, as a result, are greatly hampered from the beginning. With regard to the matter of appreciation, I have seen large families of boys and girls lovingly dex-oted to their parents, although it is sometimes necessary for children to mature and have their own experiences to enrich their understanding of what their parents have gone through.

Naturally the child that must shift for itself has more initiative and vital confidence, and if its imagination is not stifled, and its talents are encouraged, there should be little fear of its being unable to make its way in the world. Those who enjoy advantages without having to work for them, and have never had to scratch beneath the surface to enjoy their material needs, are often life’s ghastliest failures. Education is very important, but if children have to leave school early, they will find a way to acquire knowledge if they have the will, and are encouraged to progress. One of the finest citizens of New Zealand, a leader of commerce and education, with a fine

command of the English language, had a humble upbringing and left school very early, and the same can be said of many great men and women all down the ages. If the parents have the right influence over their children, and instil sound practical ideals such as energy, thrift, good habits and tact, not forgetting the Golden ' Rule, their reward will be worthwhile, and their sacrifices and inspiration not in Those who have had a similar struggle to your own will agree that women should b.gin to organise themselves and use their votes to secure many needed reforms. 1 believe that substantial maternity bonuses from the ’Government would help to " alleviate monetary difficulties confronting many families. Particularly 1 would like to see an organisation that would arrange for practical nurses with domestic experience to be available to those families needing them so that the mother has at least a month's relaxation and proper rest after the birth of her baby, and before she plunges once again into the arduous work of the busy household. Such an organisation for tired mothers would sweep away the mockery of the doctor prescribing two hours’ rest in the afternoon, when the harassed mother is usually unable to snatch thirty minutes, if that. May the significance of your life with its hopes and courage find a mirror in that of your children, and the evening of its span be filled with the blessings you will have merited. ANNE RUTLEDGE. PAMPERED Dear Miss Rutledge,— I have been married to a man who lias always looked to me for every- ! thing, for the past five years. We I have no children, but with some money that was left to me, I established a paying business, which my husband helps me to run, and we are now accumulating a nice little nest egg as a result of my efforts in this direction. Now, this is my problem, j although I work harder than my hus band, lie has now taken up golf, and goes off two or three afternoons weekly leaving me everything to do. I long for some recreation, too, but having been content to take a back seat for so long, my husband does not expect me to want to join him on the golf course. It seems to me that what is good for the goose is good for the gander, and I wonder if I should leave my business, and go off with him, or should we take it in turns to attend to business? PUSSY-WILLOW.. ANSWER You appear to have revolutionised the whole system of matrimony and enveloped your “gander’s” importance and sense of responsibility at the cost of your own self-respect and happiness. Since you began married life this way, it is too late to blame your husband, for apparently he was not strong enough to resist the indulgence in the beginning. In nine cases out of ten, it is women who help to make men selfish, and if you are wise you will begin to make more demands upon his time and attention before it is too late To rover J to barnyard terms, “the goose who lays the golden eggs” can become pretty dull, working overtime, ami the barnyard will not be a paying proposition at all if your mind and health become impaired through lack of proper stimulus and relaxation. Take my advice, and engage the services of a good assistant to help you run the business, and thus relieve the monotony of v your existence. At the same time, don your smartest sports outfit and accompany your husband out to the links when opportunity affords. Try getting him to take over a responsible part of tlie business which would necessitate his daily attention. ANNE RUTLEDGE TOO MUCH HOMEWORK? Dear Miss Rutledge,— My children have a great deal of homework to do and as a result, seem to be affected by headaches and eyestrain. Do you advise me to consult an oculist, or should I refuse to allow them to do home lessons? HOPEFUL. ANSWER

It is safe to say that nearlv 00 per cent of headaches, both in children and adults, are caused by eye strain. In the oaso of the children, doubtless the offending cause is homework, and if this cannot bo avoided, perhaps it can be undertaken m daylight, or with proper attention paid to the question of lighting. When it : s considered how sensitive is the eve. and the danger of permanent myopia, I must impress upon you the serious risk you allow your children to take if they nr** continuously at desk-work and lacking proper outdoor exercise in the sunshine Although it might be advisable to consult an oculist on the matter, I think it a pity if your children have to wear glasses, for in many cases, if the eyes are “educated’’ properly, they will 4 their work without crutches. Pay strh t attention to the conditions under which your children work, and see what results you obtain. First, do not allow them to read or write between lights, or when lying down; second, make sure that they are not facing the light when at work, bur with a shaded reading lamp over the lert shoulder. Third, do not allow them to pore too closely over their work, or strain the eyes by overwork; fourth, be sure not to use red or pink lamp shades, also, see that they work in rooms papered in pale restful shades. In conclusion, insist that they take an eye hath of epsom salts, and use about one teaspoon to a pint <-f water. if the eyes are thoroughly washed in this solution before retiring, they should obtain new life. ANNE RUTLEDGE.