A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 992, 7 June 1930, Page 21

A Jest or Two

Wakefulness. —“Mollie,” said her mother. 4 ‘you were very resltess in church.’ 4 “Was I?” was the penitent response. “You never see daddy behaving in that way. Why couldn't you be quiet like him?" “Well, mummie, you see, I wasn't a bit sleepy.” Two Hearts That Beat as One.—“l am a woman of few* words,” announced the haughty mistress to the new maid. “If I beckon with my finger, that means come.” _ . . “Suits me, mum.” replied the girl. “I’m a woman of few words myself. If I shake me head, that means I ain’t cornin’.”

Identification. —‘*Is Mr. Perkins at home?” inquired the caller. “Which one, sir?” asked the parlourmaid. “There are two brothers living here.” _ . . For a moment the caller looked puzzled, then he had a brain wave. “The one that has a sister at Birmingham,” he explained. Budding Naturalist.—Little Albert came home from school with a new book under his arm. “It’s a prize. Mother,” he said. “A prize? What for, dear?” “For natural history. Teacher asked me how many legs an ostrich had and I said three.” “But an ostrich has two legs.” “I know that now, Mother, but the rest of the class said four; so I was nearest.”

Trouble for the Choir. —The village choir boys had decided to form a cricket team, and appointed their junior member honorary secretary. In due course the youngster appealed to the curate for support. This i« how his letter ended: “And we should be very pleased, sir, if you would allow us the use of the bats which the choir men say you have in the belfry.”

No Golf On Sunday. —The minister called at the Jones home one Sunday afternoon, and little Willie answered the bell.

“Pa ain’t home,” he announced. “He went over to the golf club.” The minister’s brow darkened, and Willie hastened to explain: “Oh, he ain’t gonna play any golf. Not on Sundaj r . He just went over for a few drinks and a game of poker.”

Too Much Cheek. —The chemist was awakened long after midnight by the violent ringing of his doorbell. On looking out his window, he saw a young miss in evening clothes.

“What’s the matter?” he cried, as he pulled on his dressing-gown. “Oh,” she cried gaily, “I’m at a dance close by, and I’ve mislaid my rouge.” “Really?” asked the chemist softly. “Well, I’m sorry, but I never keep enough rouge in stock to cover a cheek like yours.” A Special Case. —The chief constable of a small town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One rnght the telephone bell rang. The chief constable’s wife answered it. “Is Mr. Blank there?” said an agitated voice. “Bo you want my husband in his capacity of veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?” inquired the good lady rather pompously. “Both, madam,” came the reply. “We can't get our new bulldog to open his mouth and —there’s a burglar in it.” <r * The Mirror. —One day Napoleon 111. was talking with Empress Eugenie. As she talked without thinking of what she said, Napoleon said with a little laugh, “Bo you know, madame. the difference between a mirror and yourself?” “No,” she responded. “Well, my dear, the difference is that the mirror reflects without speaking, and you speak without reflecting.” “And you, sir, do you know the difference between a mirror and yourself?” “No,” responded Napoleon, in his turn. “Well, the mirror is polished.” it * * A Precautionary Measure. — A boy went into a chemist’s shop to use the telephone, and the chemist overheard him call up a Mr. Brown and ask if he wanted a boy. “Are you quite satisfied with your present boy?” the lad inquired, and, after getting a reply, he said, “Oh, then, I don’t think I need trouble you any further, thank you.” With some sympathy for the lad in what he thought was a disappointment, the chemist offered him a job. “Oh, I don’t want a job,” the boy replied.

“Why, you young beggar, you have just asked for a job,” said the chemist. “Yes, but you see I am Mr. Brown’s boy, and I just wanted to see how I stood before asking off to go to the football match.”

The Real Peril.—Buring the furnacecleaning operations in a large steel works the workmen occasionally had to walk across a plank high in the air. One of them would cross it on his hands and knees. “Are you frightened of walking on the plank?” the foreman said to him once. “No. sir.” replied the man: “'tis frightened I am of walking off it!” Saved His Bacon.—He had joined a golf club, and on his first round he hit the ball a mighty swipe which by some miracle landed it in the hole in one. At the second tee came another miracle. Again he did the hole in one, and as the ball disappeared into the hole he turned round, white and trembling. “Gosh!” he breathed. “I thought I’d missed it that time.” Hardly Worth It.—Little Helen, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child's cure and that she must g*> to the hospital. Her mother promised that if she were very brave she would have the very finest kitten to be found. As Helen was recovering from the influence of the anaesthetic the nurse heard h€;r muttering: “It’s a rotten way to get a kitten.”

Suicidal.—A dear old lac; attended a health lecture, and stayed behind to ask the lecturer a question. “Bid I understand you to say,” she asked, “that deep-breathing kills microbes?”

“I certainly did say that many microbes are killed by deep breathing.” replied the lecturer.

“Then can you tell me, please.” she asked, “how one can the microbes to breathe deeply?”

The Test of Sex. —Jackson and his wife were doing a little fly-hunting about the house.

“How many have you caught?” she asked after a while.

“Six,” replied her husband. “Three males and three females.”

“How absurd!” his wife sniffed. “How could you tell if they were males or females?”

•‘Easy, my dear,” he retorted. “Three were on the 6Ugar and three were on the mirror.”

The Eloquence of Silence.—They were talking of old times. “And do you remember the moonlight night, six years ago, when I proposed to you, dear?” he said romantically. “Barling, will I ever forget?” 6h# replied. “Those were heavenly days.** “We sat there for over an hour,” he went on, “and during that time your lips never once parted.” “Yes, that is so, dear,” she sighed “And that was the happiest day of my whole life.” he finished.

A Fixture. —Smith obtained a job as packer in a china warehouse. On the third day he smashed a big vase. On pay day he was called into the manager’s office and was told that half his wages would be deducted each week until the vase was paid for. “How much was the vase worth?” he asked, anxiously. “About £100,” replied the manage:. “Hurray!” shouted Smith. The manager stared. “Well,” said Smith, “it looks as if I’ve got a steady job at last.”

Veteran Decoy.—A minister, substituting for a friend in a remote country parish, was greatly surprised on observing the old verger, who had been collecting the offertory, quietly abstract a shilling before presenting the plate at the altar rail. After service he called the old man into the vestry and told him with some emotion that his crime had been discovered. The old verger looked puzzled for moment. Then a sudden light dawned on him. “Why, sir, you don’t mean that shilling of mine? I’ve led off with that for the last fifteen years!”