A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 980, 24 May 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Love's Legacy. —“ Hey!” cried Satan to the new arrival, “you act as if you owned this dump.” 4, 1 do. My wife gave it to me.” How Tactless! —“A fan, please.” “What sort?" “To suit my face.” “Here are some handpainted ones. 0 • • Storing Them Up. —“ Tour daughter has many admirers.” “Yea She could hang her curtains on her old engagement rings.” A New One.—Have you heard of the Scotsman who found a package of corn plasters and bought a pair of tight shoes? 0 0 0 The Prescription.— “My doctor prescribed a cigarette lighter for me.” “What for. to save your thumb?” “No, to cut down my smoking.” « * • Studio Note.—First Artist: “Sold anything lately?” Second Artist: “Yes, my overcoat and two pairs of trousers.” Generous. —“A cutlet, please, but not a large one. * “Take a large one, sir. They are all very small.” * • • Painful! —She (playing piano): "That was ‘Death of Siegfried.” He: “Darling, what a terrible death the man died.” Don’t Weaken. —Julia: “Do you think it’s unlucky to postpone a wedding?” Frank: “Not if you keep on doing 0 0 9 Reward of Reticence. —“ But surely," cried Jean, “you didn’t tell him straight out that you loved him?” “Goodness, no,” Mildred said calmly. “He had to squeeze it out of me.” Without Sauce. —Rastus: “Ef yo* says anything ter me Ah‘ll make yo’ eat yo' words, man.” Exodus: “Chicken dumplings, hot biscuits, and watermelon.” * * « Shocking Examples. —Reformer (to prostrated man): “And so this is the work of rum. is it?” Prostrated Man: “No, sir; this is the work of a banana-skin, sir.”

Can’t Help It. —“ How’s Abel Sass getting on with that school-teacher he’s calling on now?” “Well, every time he goes to see her she keeps him an hour longer for being naughty.” He’d Been There. —Chief: “Here is a ticket for the lecture: ‘Six months among the savages.* ” Clerk: “I don’t need to go to that. 1 have been living for 20 years with my wife and mother-in-law.” * * * Taking Bits Off. —Barber (shaving a customer): “Will you have anything on your face when I’ve finished, sir?” Victim: “Well, it doesn’t seem likely.” 0 0 0 Philosophy of Wealth. —“ These rich people make me sick. What’s the us of having money if you don’t km how to enjoy it?” “Well, what’s the use of knowing ho\ to enjoy it if you haven’t got i?t” m • m Free and Baptised. —"What is your religion?” the recruit was asked. Promptly and smartly came the j answer, “Militia, sir.” “No, no, 1 said ‘religion.* ” “Oh, ‘religion/ sir. I beg your pardon, I’m a plumber.” • * • Less Light, More Delight. —Motier: “What do you say to a fine cake for your birthday, with ten candles on tcp, one for each year of your a?e?” Teddy: “Oh. but look here, mum, I’ve got a better idea! Why not one candle, with ten cakes for my ag€ ?” m m • Addition! —Mother (teaching son arithmetic): “Now, take the Smith family. There is mamma, papa, and the baby. How many does that make?” Bright Son: “Two and one to carry.” e • • Unhappy Life. —Father: “Well, Fritz, have you a lot of friends at school?” Fritz: “Not one.” Father: “How is that?” Fritz: “The boys who thrash me I can’t bear and the boys I can thrash can’t bear me.” » • * Not Superstitious. —-During the conversation the question of superstitions arose. “Of course I never walk under a ladder,” avowed Mrs. Smith. “I think that’s the unluckiest thing.” "But how absurd!” put in Mrs. Wilson. “Why. I walk under every ladder I meet I just cross my heart and cross my fingers, and I make sure that I have a piece of wood to touch, and when I have passed under the ladder I turn in my tracks three times. You see, it’s simple, and if you do that every time you walk under a ladder 3'ou’ll be perfectly safe. I really can’t stand these silly superstitions.”

Not so Clever.—“ That doctor over there saved my son a life." "He looks clever.” "Yes. he saved him from beins: rr over by a tram." * • • And How Does It? —l>oes water boil I at 212 degrees?” ■“Yes. my boy.’* "But how does water know when it has reached 212 degrees ?"

Speed Hog.—ln day a of yore. If an> - body missed a etage-coach, he was content to wait two or three days for the next one. Now he lets out a. squawk if he misses one section of u revolving door. * • • Gentle Reminder.—Mother: “Mabel’s young man has taken offence at something:. Have you said anything to him?” Father: “Not a word. I haven't seen him since I posted him the last quarter’s gas account.”

A Gentle Hint. —Youth: “East night in my dreams I proposed to you. Miss Eva. What do you suppose that signifies?” * Eva (impatiently): "I. shows that you have more gumption when asleep than you have when you’re awake.” • • 0 In Church Hours. —“ Very bad form. I call it. to ring me up during church hours.” “Probably she knows you don’t go to church.” “Very likely, but she might have had the decency to assume that I do.” 000 His Regular Calling. —Dad: “I greatly disapprove of young Smithson, and one particular reason is his lack of interest in his calling.” Daughter: “His calling! ’Why. daddy, he calls on me seven evenings a week.” Perils of Industry, —‘Tec, lady, I lost me leg working in a mineral mine.” said the tramp. “Ah,” replied the old lady, “few of us realise the dangerous work necessary in order to provide us with our ginger-beer and lemonade.” • • • Ambition. —“ Just think, children,” said the missionary. “In Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday School Now what should we ail strive to save our money for?” “To go to Africa,” came a chorus of cheery voices. • • • Young Mathematics. —A little bo was balancing himself on his head, when an old lady, who knew him, came by. “Aren’t you too young to do that, my lad? You are only six,” she said. “It’s orl right, missis.” replied the t.»y, without losing his balance. Tm nine while I’m upside down.” • • • No Hurry. — “l don’t care what you say, young man,” said the landlady, “you’re not leaving this house until your bill is paid.” “Ah, well.” remarked the other. “I suppose that I must make the best of it. What’s this town like at Christmas?” Not a Wager. —He was tearing down the street as fast as his legs wouM carry him. with the stout inn keep toiling in the rear. “Stop him! Stop him!” shouted the innkeeper. A policeman made an effort to do so, but the man said something to t. constable, who allowed him to proceed. “Why didn’t you stop him?” demanded the innkeeper, on reaching the policeman. “He told me you were racing him for six drinks,” explained the man in blue. “So I was.” said the innkeeper furiously; “he hasn’t paid for ’em!”