A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 968, 10 May 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Theory. Mother-in-Law: Why, Marie, any woman would be satisfied with what Percy says he gives you. Marie: So would I. « « * Getting On. —“Have you caught anything yet?” "No, but I have tamed the fish so that they eat oft the hook.” New Definition. —A husband is a man who works himself nearly to death in order to meet the instalments on the labour-saving devices his wife buys. * * * Twice As Bad.—“ Muller s three sons are a disgrace. One plays and the other steals.” “What about the third?’* “He does both. He is a composer.” This is Love.— ‘‘You must love your wife as you never let her go out of your study.” “If I did she would go into the kitchen and c00k..” * * * Fair Enough.— -Chief: I have noticed that you are the last to arrive and the first to go. Clerk: Yes, sir, I can t be the last morning and evening. Thoughtful. —Mountain Guide: Be careful not to fall here. It is dangerous. But if you do fall, remember to look to the left, as you get a most wonderful view. Change for the Worse.—Mistress: Why did you leave your last place, Mary ? Maid: Because I didn't know what this one was like. And Smoked Herring. —“ Some men thirst after fame, some after love, and some after money.” “I know something that all thirst after.” “What’s that?” “Salted almonds.” • • • The Great Inventor. —“Your husband is a great inventor?” “Yes, some of the excuses he invents for staying out late are known throughout the world.” To Save Trouble. —“l tell you I am giving you at least 100 marks if I sell the carpet for 300 marks.” “Then give me 50 marks and keep the carpet.”

Better Late Than Never. —Occulist: Has your little girl got used to her glasses? Mother: There is no means of making her wear them all day, but fortunately I manage to slip them on as soon as she falls asleep. * * Who Started It? —Man (to his neighbour) : I wish you would sell that dog. Yesterday my daughter had to stop her singing lesson because your dog was whining all the time. Neighbour: I’m sorry. But your daughter began it. Business Arrangement.— “ What! You have given information to lead to the arrest of your fiance so that you may get the reward ?” “Yes, we are going to get married on the money when he lias finished his sentence.” « * * He Forgot to Count. —They were quarrelling, and the wife said to the husband, “I’d just like to know how many girls you made love to before you met me?” “Twelve,** the miserable man groaned, “but I didn’t remember to count them until it was too late.” Tell it to Einstein.— First Motorist: I drove so fast that the trees appeared like a fence. Second ditto: 1 drove so that the mile stones made a stone wall. Third ditto: I went so fast that I could see the number on the back of my car. Singular. —The old gentleman was paying a visit to a distant relation. For the vvfiole of the afternoon he had submitted to the attentions of his hostess’s young son, but at last he began to grow tired of having his whiskers pulled and gfc toes trodden on. "Madam,'* A said, as he was about to depart, “tnere is one thing about your charming young son which especially pleases me.” “And what is that?” asked the smiling mother. “That “he isn't a twin,” replied the old gentleman.

The Marriage Stakes.—Old gentleman (bewildered at the elaborate wedding): Are you the bridegroom? Young Man: No, sir; I was eliminated in the semi-finals. Can’t Be Too Careful.—“Poes t. wearing of glasses handicap a girl 1 her search for a. husband?” asks a writer. Certainly not; if she didn'* wear them she might easily overlook some of the little ones. The Scotsman Again.— Xo stand, is allowed in Edinburgh theatres. This will doubtless come ns a relief to th•» young man who occasionally has an uneasy feeling that he ought to stand his fair companion a box of chocolate >.

Avoiding trouble.—Aspirins Poet : Have you received any expression ©f public opinion on my new volume*.* Publisher: Well, one man with the same name as yours has asked us to announce that he is not the author. • * * The Law of Inertia.—Farmer Have.— "That Jones’s boy who used To work for you wants me to give him a job. Is he steady?" Farmer Seede.—"Well,-if he was ar.y steadier he'd be motionless/'

High Finance* —“Please spare a copper for a poor man.” “But I gave you a penny yesterday.” “Yes, but I went to the opera, dined at Frascati’s and slept at the Ritz with that.” • • • True to Type.— Boy Friend: Fve a friend I’d like you girls to meet. Athletic Girl: What can he do? Chorus Girl: How much has he? Literary Girl: What does he read? Society Girl: Who are his family? Religious Girl: What church does he belong to. Vamp: Where is he? * • * After the Honeymoon. —“ Don't you think,” asked the fair young bride plaintively, “that a husband should occasionally tell his wife that she is beautiful?” “No,** replied the soulless beast. “If she is beautiful she is, and if she isn t beautiful she thinks she is.” • • • Fingers Crossed. —He had risked his life to rescue the girl from a watery grave, and of course her father was grateful. ‘‘Young man,” he said. “I can never thank you sufficiently for your heroic act; you incurred an awful risk in saving my only daughter.” “None whatever, sir.** replied the amateur life-saver; ‘T am already married.” Boxes For One.— Lord Blank (on the phone): Hello! Will you reserve a box for two for tomorrow night? Answering Voice: Sorry, we only do boxes for one. Lord Blank: What the deuce do you mean! Aren’t you the Grand Theatre ? Answering Voice: No. This is Smith, the undertaker. * « « During Her Absence. —A young Ame- : rican bride had not come out very well in her first encounter with the cookery book and gas stove. She ran to the telephone and called up her mother. “Mother,” she sobbed, “I can’t understand it. The retcipe says clearly: ‘Bring to boil on brisk fire, stirring for two minutes. Then beat it for ten minutes’ . . . and when I came back again it was burned to a cinder!”