Heart and Home Chats

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 960, 1 May 1930, Page 6

Heart and Home Chats

Bv

Amne Rathedge

JUisa Anna Rutledge will answer letters in </»4a column every Thursday An accomplished writer, an ardent feminist, a student of human nature and a wide traveller she is well fitted for the task. Those who have problems and lack o confidante to help in their solution may with confidence write to Miss Rutledge , whose knowledge will be placed at their disposal A sympathetic woman, ehe will assist those who stand in need of assistance. Communications for Misa Rutledge should be addressed to TUB SUN office.

ALIENATION OF AFFECTION

Dear Mias Rutledge,— My husband lias been mixed up in a divorce suit. The respondent’s husband has been awarded heavy damages which, when paid, will ruin my husband, and jeopardise my future and that of my little ones. I know I he woman is to blame, as it is not the first time she has figured in a liaison, and I am not the type to fuss and pamper a man as she does. However, ihe point is: Can I sue this woman for stealing my husband and the father of my children? If her husband can win heavy damages, why shouldn’t J ? This woman is a great deal better off than I shall ever be now, as it is impossible for me to live with my husband again. I am terribly distressed, and wish that you could help me. JEANETTE. ANSWER. r can readily sympathise with your distress, and feel the question that you ask mo should be one of vital importance to ♦•very right thinking woman in New Zealand. Consult a solicitor, but l do not think he will advise you to take the matter to Court, for I have in mind a case in .Australia similar to your own that came to my knowledge recently. A woman sued another for damages for Stealing her husband, and after the facts were presented to the judge, although he sympathised with the plaintiff, he was, mving to certain antiquated laws, unable ic> order financial redress for the injured woman. It is amazing to think that little or no effort is made to repeal such unjust, ancient laws, which the legal fraternity freely admit work an injustice to women, and leave them, ir» these modern days, decidedly inferior in status. The time is not far distant when women will awaken to use their vote intelligently, and organise for elections so that power will not be given to politicians ■who sit in Parliament year after year nnd do so little on behalf of women’s rights. These foolish ancient laws in question should be abolished, but unless women begin to do some serious thinking about these matters, nothing will be done to bring about an improved state of affairs. If a reasonable law compelled the “other Woman’’ to pay the full penalty for her transgressions, I venture to remark that she would hesitate and consider seriously before coming between husband and wife, and thus the homemaker and others would receive a fair deal. • Do not blame yourself for not having ",tampered" your husband. This attitude is wrong. Few busy wives, and mothers, have time to play the vamp; their job demands “overtime” as it is. The trouble seems to have been that your husband failed lamentably in his responsibilities and did not realise that he was H husband and father just as you were q. wife and mother. If. having regard to your husband’s domestic responsibilities, damages .awarded by the Court were excessive and not justified by his financial position, it 5 s peculiar that there was no appeal, ptlso that the judge or jury apparently Your solicitor might see the “injured” husband and endeavour to arrange a settlement for your benefit. ANNE RUTLEDGE.

SHE LIKES BRIGHT LIGHTS Hear Miss Rutledge.— I have a chance to buy a farm on the instalment plan, particularly suitable to my finances, and as I like country life and understand- farming, want to try my hand again. My wife, however, loves the cities and enjoys the good times she has with friends in a busy, bright environment. She objects to being buried alive in the country, and I am uncertain what steps to take. What do you advise. BLUEY. ANSWER. It is easy to sign the contract, but sometimes difficult to meet the instalments in more ways than one. and you would be commencing your vocation of farming with a very serious handicap. The average farmer is helped tremendously and practically by his wife, and you can no doubt visualise the extent of the help that you could reasonably expect from that quarter, so be cautious. There is grim reality in wresting a livelihood from the soil, which however bestows much in full season. New Zealand is greatly indebted to her pioneer women, who shoulder to shoulder v. ;th their men, have put the towns and bright lights behind them and gone forth to conquer the soil, and won. Too often the part played by woman in the work of pioneering does not receive its merited recognition. In taming the bush end v.'ilderness they endured hardships with their men such as often their more fortunate descendants cannot imagine. Happiness, being a state of mind, does not depend on theatres or bridge parties, but in radiating cheerfulness, patience and love. Real achievement offers a suffi- * lent reward and contentment past the understanding of many of us. It seems too bad, Bluey. but without the willing help of your wife, farm life is hardly advisable, that is. of course, unless you can afford two homes, and that often means trouble. ANNE RUTLEDGE.

not come before marriage, you have slender chance afterward. ANNE RUTLEDGE.

HIS MOTHER Hear Miss Rutledge,— What do you think my prospects for happiness are with a man whom I know has absolutely no love or respect for his mother, and who speaks of her in a disrespectful manner to my friends and myself? This seemed very dreadful to me at first, but I have gradually grown not to take much notice. My friends tell me a man who treats and speaks of his mother in this way, may possibly treat a wife in a like manner later on. Thanking you for any advice you may offer. MARY. ANSWER. If your friend's mother is a good-living woman, I cannot understand hoW you could tolerate, for one moment, his disrespectful remarks about her. Even if she is not a good woman, he must be a poor type of man to mention her limitations in such a way, and for you 10 grow accustomed to such lack of decency in one who may later be your husband, is incredible. If you do marry this friend be careful Tot to- conform to his standards. So often it happens that a man of poor calibre, warps a woman's outlook upon life, as the weeds round a lovely plant 4-hoke or stunt its growth. The advice of your friends is apparently worth listeng to. Why don’t you talk plainly on the subject to the man you write of, and test his reaction? If reformation does

THE BATTLE

Dear Miss Rutledge,— I am writing to see if you could give me a little of your advice. I have been married 10 years, and find I am losing all my love for my husband through his selfishness and the untruths he tells me.

I have one child of nine, and have put up with my unhappiness for his sake, but I feel now I cannot bear to live with my husband much longer, whose pastimes are horse racing and billiards. The only pleasure I have is going to the pictures about once a fortnight, and when I complain of the dull life I have he says I am never satisfied.

Would you advise me to put up with it until my boy gets a bit older, or would you advise that we separate now when we both would be happier apart? DISSATISFIED WIFE. ANSWER. Assuming that your husband is large,'! at fault, you must avoid home-wreck, if possible, by exploring every avenue to see if the good old days, when Cupid was active, can be revived again on a rock foundation. What about turning away from all the mountains that have sprung up from molehills, caused by little disagreements followed by resentment, pride and foolish obstinacy? Track these discordant influences to their lair for it is worth a great effort if you can win back your husband’s affection. How about getting up bright and early in the morning preparing an attractive breakfast table, wearing a neat frock and apron, and giving a little extra attention to early toilet and hair? You could say “good morning” with a sparkle in your eyes and give him an endearing pat or kiss. Talk happily on the subject that he likes, and generally send him off to business with a little tactful flattery calculated to make him feel on good terms with himself — and you. Follow up this treatment, and stick to your fairy guns with the song of success in your heart. Your husband at first may wonder where the catch is, but the “follow up" treatment will eliminate that. Tt is a tough husband who will not respond more or less to such well-sus-tained, charming and gracious advances. Your chance will come during the soft and melting moments of a “response.” If possible persuade him to take you to the pictures or any other place you fancy and, whatever you do, avoid any subject that might lead to discord. Gradually arrange At so that your husband will spend more of his leisure time with you. It might be a good idea to invite one or two mutual friends to your home for cards or other suitable entertainment. Pi*ay for strength and don’t weaken, and be. sure to make your personal appearance neat and attractive. Overlook little faults with a smile. Encourageyour child to talk nicely to his father and to give him a little “thought” for a present. Bring back the ola-tiinc affection which has only been obscured by clouds, and smilingly banish the “tempter” should he at any time whisper failure in your ear. Take it from me, you will find it all worth while. Good luck! ANNE RUTLEDGE.

IN BRIEF

Answer to T.M.P.—I regret to tell you the name and address you ask for is not for publication. ANNE RUTLEDGE. Answer to 1.M., Mount Wellington, Ellerslie.—lf you write me about your problem, I will do my utmost to find a solution. ANNE RUTLEDGE. THE CHEER GERM Dear Miss Rutledge,—I would appreciate some advice, although I have nothing exceptional to write about. The one thing that does seem to bother me is the fact that I find it difficult to be happy and cheerful like people around me whom I know. I can’t help being serious, and am constantly worrying about something. My circumstances are fairly good. Can you tell me ho.w to be fairly happy, for I need the tonic, especially as my age is only 29, and I have practically no friends. MARY R. ANSWER. First of all realise that you derive no been fit from looking or being melancholy or worried. The world wants a laugh and good cheer badly, so you must become a successful distributor of these neede elements. It has been well said that “happy men shall have many f trends, ” so now digest the following and get busy sowing your seeds of happiness as the first tsep toward the harvest of joy. Keep your mind and body clean and healthy, for you can’t be happy with wrong thoughts or a bad headache. Shakespeare wrote: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” and the obvious truth in this bids us to guard the gates of our minds to admit only that which is right, happy, healthy .and inspiring. As feure as the mind is busy hating a person, the shutters are slammed against the best things of life. Don’t waste time or vain \ regrets on bitter experiences, except to profit therefrom. Keep your mind busy on a worth-while occupation, and spend your spare time congenially and usefully. You will experience a very real sense of pleasure when you unselfishly bring happiness to others. Sometimes ven just a cheerful and encouraging word will lift a man or woman from despair to hope, and fear to confidence, fortifying them to reach the next milestone on the up-grade. Above all, remember that the inspiration of the world to better things has a spiritual source, and your new-found happiness will subdue materialism, gloom and worry as you reap from the sowing of good cheer. Once you have tuned in to happiness, your smiling eyes will annaunce your awakening to life. ANNE RUTLEDGE.