SOME “JASPERISMS”

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 958, 29 April 1930, Page 7

SOME “JASPERISMS”

City Missioner —World’s Breeziest Chairman

POLITICAL FIRST NIGHT In his time, the Rev. Jasper Caider, Anglican City Missioner, has played many parts. He filled yet another last evening in presiding at a meeting for Mr. Alan Donald, United candidate for Parnell. “The World's Breeziest Chairman”—if Mr. Caider thus bills himself henceforth, he will be hiding behind a cloak of modesty. This was the first political meeting Mr. Caider had attended. He told the electors that in an explanation of his presence on a United platform. Why was he there? Oh, no, “Jasper” had not become political. The Press had never been able to associate the name of Jasper Caider —such as it was (with characteristic self-efface-ment) —with any partisan cause. Well, he had been a schoolmate of Alan Donald’s at the Auckland Grammar —in fact, had known all the Donald boys since they (himself included) scrapped in their cradles over dummies. They were all as straight as a die. . . . “You can bet your boots that I would not be out on a wet night' to give him a kick along if he was not.”

When people saw a man with his collar back-to-front, they expected a sermon. But there would be no sermon that night. However, Isaiah had remarked that the mirage should become a pool. The question was whether the candidate could make the mirage of pure politics become a pool. . . Mr. Caider thought he could, and got perilously near to making Mr. Donald blush by retailing the old gag the soldiers practised in Egypt when they used to send tlie battalion “mug” with a jug to get water in the desert. Mr. Caider covered up the story nicely, and satisfied the audience that the candidate was anything but a “mug.” Mr. Calder's restless energy found satiety at question time. His cheery invitation brought- a spate of little slips of paper. Was the candidate in favour of State control? “State control of what?” mused Mr. Caider. Then, brightly, “If you mean State control of me, I’ll say no Government shall control me. It takes my wife all her time —here she is.” Did Mr. Donald favour the “Helensville wild-cat?” Mr. Caider was stumped. “Wild-cat? . . . wild-cat? Helensville wild-cat?” he reflected. The Questioner: That’s the train that runs through the night—workers’.”

And Mr. Caider received illumination. “You see,” he apologised, “I’m so innocent; I don’t go out at night” —and, turning to his wife, “Do I?” Did the candidate favour bringing; foreign “Queen Street farmers” into New Zealand? Histrionic ability rose strong in the missioner. “Ah, you mean the feller with the fisho—the chippo—the potato.” So exquisitely did Mr. Caider suit action to words that the audience laughed gaily.