A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 951, 19 April 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Appeal for Justice.—Mother: Come.; Freddie, and kiss your Aunt Martha. Freddie: Why, Ma. I ain’t done nuthin’! • * • Literary Bunions. — There’s a lot of lame verses in this book.” “Well, what do you expect in limp leather?’* Traveller's Tale.—Dr. Cook is to be released from Leavenworth Prison, but will probably have trouble convincing anybody he was really there. * * * Noises Enough.—The announcement that Rin-Tin-Tin. the dog film star, has retired disposes of the expectation that he would perform for the barkies. * 9 • Filtering Out the Static.—“ Say, Mom, was baby sent down from Heaven?" “Yes, son.” “1 guess they like to have things quiet up there, huh. Mom!”

All Explained.—New Iceman: Say, what do you think? The guy in that house threw me out because I tried to kiss the cook this morning.” Milkman: I think the lady of that house does her own cooking. , Golf Widow's Consoler.—“My husband is away so much of the time I want a parrot for*company. Does this one use rough language?” “Lady, with this bird in the house you’d never miss your husband.”

Mere Lotus Eater.—“ What do you do?” “I keep house, scrub, scour, bake, wash dishes, cook, do the laundry, iron, sew.” And the census-taker listed her: “Housewife —no occupation.” Rah for Righteousness!—“Honesty is the best policy and its own reward.” “Why do you think that?” “Yqu know that dog I stole. I tried in vain to sell it for £2, and at last took it back to its owner, who gave me £ 5 reward. * * + Quite So, Quite So!—“Just where did the automobile hit you?” asked the magistrate. “Wel-1-1-1,” said the injured young lady, “if I had been wearing a licenceplate, It would have been pretty badly damaged.” Burning Words.—Dr. Frank Vizetelly, ‘lexicographer, is busy differing with A 1 Smith and Nathan Haskell Dole on the question of the proper pronunciation of the radio. There is a third party, consisting mainly of wives who believe that what their husbands call it when it’s out of order is more improper than either of the others. * * * t From O.K. to Knocked Out. The wife of the celebrated boxer telephoned to the hall to which her husband had gone to meet a formidable opponent. “Mrs. Bashem speaking,” she said. ‘How is my husband?” “0.K.” came the reassuring reply. “The fight hasn’t started yet.” Fivg minutes went by, and she ’phoned again. “How’s Bashem?” she inquired. This time the reply was shorter. The manager merely said “K. 0.” Life Sentence.—Klumseigh obtained a job as packer in a china warehouse. On the third day he smashed a big vase. On pay-day he was called into the manager’s office and was told that half his wages would be deducted each week until the vase was paid for. “How much was the vase worth?” he asked anxiously. “About three hundred dollars,” replied the manager. “Hurrah!” shouted Klumseigh. The manager stared. “Whatahell?” “Well,” said Klumseigh, “it looks as if I’ve got a steady job at last.”

The Needle, Watson!—Mother. Tommy, the canary has disappeared. Tommy: That's funny. It was there just now when I tried to clean it with the vacuum-cleaner. Health Hint.—Old Hen: Let me gi\e you a piece of good advice. Young Hen: What is it? Old Hen: An egg a day keeps the axe away. And All Was Hushed.—“ She said if any man kissed her without warning, she would scream for her father.” “What did you do?” “I warned her.” 9 9 9 Bad News For Satan.—The Vicai The collection this morning will be taken in aid of the Arch Fund and not as erroneously printed in the Parish Magazine in aid of the Arch Fiend. Double Extinguisher.—Jack: What did the landlady do when she found that you had left the light burning for three days? Spratt: She turned us both out. • * >9 Triumph of Thrift.—“lf you spend so much time at golf you won't have anything laid aside for a rainy day.” “Won’t I? My desk is loaded up with work that I’ve put aside for a rainy day.” * * * Too Much Temperament. Mother: Why did you strike your little sister” Young Bobby: Well, we were playing Adam and Eve. and instead of tempting me with the apple, she ate it herself. Excuse It. Please!— Imagine my embarrassment,” said Dumb Dora, “when, according to my custom. I looked under the bed before retiring I had forgotten that I was in an upper berth.”

Perfect Seventy-three.—ln the course of the trial the judge turned to the negro woman on the stand and asked, “How old are you?” “I’se seventy-three, Judge.” “Are you sure?" “Tess, suh.” “Mandy, you don’t look seventythree.” “I’se sure, judge.” After a few moments the trial was interrupted by Mandy. “Judge, I’se mistaken about my age being seventy-three; that’s my bust measurement, suh.” * * * Her Generosity.—A young and rather raw schoolboy, on being asked at home if he had won any prizes, confessed that he had just missed one worth half a guinea through making an error of a halfpenny in mental arithmetic. There was a disappointed silence in the family circle for a few minutes, and then his mother arose, solemnly fetched her purse, and remarked, “Sooner than our Angus should lose a ten-and-sixpenny, prize all for the sake of a halfpenny, I’ll pay the halfpenny myself. Here you are, and now run back and fetch the prize.” * o Amateur Lawyer.—Penitent: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard: Priest: That is very wrong. Penitent: Would you liko to accept it, father? Priest: Certainly I will not receive stolen goods—return It to the man from whom you stole it. Penitent: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it. Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself. Penitent: Thank you, father. The priest arrived home to find one of his own geese stolen. * * • Driving with a Loose Rein.—'l’ve decided on a name for the baby,” s»aid the young mother. “I shall call her Euphrosyne.” Her husband did not care for the selection, but being a tactful fellow, he was far too wise to declare his objection. “Splendid,” he said, cheerfully. “The first girl I ever loved was called Euphrosyne, and the name will revive pleasant memories.” There was a brief period of silence, then: “We’ll call her Elizabeth, after my mother,” said the young** wife, firmly.