A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 940, 5 April 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Ought to Know. —Wythe—Blythe is certainly a modest chap, isn't he? Smythe—So he’s been telling me. Obstacle. —"Tou have great ability. I can’t see what kept you off the stage." “It was the theatrical manager.” Perfectly Simple. — “What must one do to have beautiful hands?” “Nothing.” Light Appetite. —Wife: “I’m going to give you a piece of my mind.” Hubby: “Just a small helping, please.” : Calling Their* Bluff. —If they keep on j and make buses any larger, locomotives ! will have to stop, look, and listen at | crossings. Call the Dog. —Motorist: “Are you hurt, my boy?” Butcher Boy (excitedly): "No, but 1 can’t find ray liver!” Ingratitude. —Mother: Bo you understand, darling? | Barling: I think I would, mother, if <>nly you wouldn’t explain. fcjystery. —First Reveller: Isn’t it lucky our wives didn’t know where wc were last night? Secchad Reveller: Very lucky! By the way, where were we? Imagination. —Young Man: Have you a book called “Man, the World's Ruler, - ’ please ? Librarian: I should think you might find it in the fiction department, sir. He Stood the Racket. —Another mighty nice thing about Old Bobbin was that his value didn’t depreciate about 25 per cent, after lie had been driven three or four months. Mowing ’Em Down. —“ Here’s a Chicago man in trouble for being engaged to four girls at the same time.” “We should not blame him too i severely. In Chicago I suppose even j Cupid uses a machine-gun.”

Infant Thrift. —First Scot: “My son gets a shilling a week.” Second Scot: “That’s a lot of money to be giving a child of his age.” First Scot: “Yes, but he puts it into the gas meter. Pie thinks it’s a savings bank.” * => * Knew Her Man. —Husband (after quarrel): Good-bye, I’m going to the ends of the earth. Wife: All right. And while you’re there you might get the evening paper and some canned salmon for supper. Dissatisfied Customers. —First Fight Enthusiast: “That was the worst fight I ever saw.” Second Fight Enthusiast: “You said it. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was on the level.” * * * Delicate Mission. —“Tell your wife not to worry about her deafness, as it ia merely an indication of advancing years.” “Would you mind telling her 3rour-se-lf, doctor?” Stop, Look ... ■ —“l hear that 3*ou and Bill are on the outs again.” “He’s too darn fresh! I told him my father had locomotive ataxia, and the brute wanted to know if he whistled at crossings.” Not a Fifty-Fifty Pair.— ‘lf your wife is such a trial, why not divorce her ?” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “She has had her housekeeping money for six months in advance.” * & * Needless Delay. —An American college boy was teaching some cowboys in the West how to play football.'He explained the rules and finished his speech as follows: “Remember, fellows, if you can’t kick the ball, kick a man on the other side. Now let’s get busy. Where’s the ball?” “Never mind the ball,” yelled one of the cowboys. “Let’s start the game!” Making it Last.— -Sandy McTavish, proprietor of the corner confectionery, was the proud owner of a new cash register. One day, when an old friend came into the shop and bought a sixpenny cigar, the customer noted that Sandy pocketed the money instead of putting it into the drawer. “Why not ring it up?” he asked. “You’ll be forgetting it.” “Oh, I’ll nae forget it,” replied the wary Scot. “Ye ken I keep track in my head until I get ten shillings, an’ then I ring it up. It saves the wear and tear on the machine.”

Not So Lucky. —Mistress: “I'm glad to hear you will be staying on with me after you're married. Bo I know the lucky man?” Emily: “Oh, yes. mum. It’s your son!” Almost 100 Per cent. —The Americanisation of Persia seems to be about 90 per cent, accomplished, a survey over there having shown that only one bride in ton knows anything about housekeeping.

Whife Dobbin Grazed.—The member* of the younger generation needn’t think the clutch used in all automobiles is something new. Bad can toll you ft was often used in the old-time buggy ' on a quiet country road. .* * * 'Nuff Said. —Single Gent: “What* the best month to get married in?” I Married Person: “Octembruary.” j Single Gent: "Why, there’s no such month.” I Married Person: “Just so/’

Speechless Emotion. —“ Hallo, where have you been?” “To the station to see my wife oPT for a month’s holiday.” “But how black your hands are!” “Yes, I patted the. engine.” * * * Her Side of the Case.—Mother: Weil, if you’ve had five years’ experience taking care of children I think you’ll do. Nurse: I’ll just take a look at the children and see if they’ll do. • • • Asking Too Much. —A. New York man assaulted a restaurant proprietor because he was served with green pea soup containing no peas. Such a critical customer would expect pork in his pork and beans. Wanted Her Money's Worth.—Shopkeeper: Now, look here, little girl, I can’t spend the whole day thowing you penny toys. Bo you want the earth with a little red fence around it for a. penny? Little Girl: Let me see it • * * * The Stranger. —“ Tomorrow afternoon,” said a minister to his congrega - tion, “the funeral of Mr. So-and-so will be held in this church. I shall deliver a funeral address on the occasion, and the man himself will be here for the first time in twenty years.” • * • Chance to Fill a Cell. —Defendant : “The things the prosecutor don’t know about driving a car, 3*our Worship, would fill a book.” The Bench: “And it seems to me. young man, the things you don’t know about it would fill a hospital.” Try a Fishhook. —The town of Plunkville has a regulation, against ba>ft legs on the street. Flesh-coloured hose were a problem. They solved that nicely by watching for the seam. Then came seamless hose. “How c£.n I tell whether these girls have bare legs or not?” was the plaint of a policeman on guard. “Pinch ’em,” was the only euggestiori he got. All Explained.—The minister called at the Jones home one Sunday afternoon, and little Willie answered the bell. “Pa ain’t home,” he announced. “He went over to the golf club.” The minister’s brow darkened, and Willie hastened to explain: “Oh, he ain’t gonna play any golf. Not on Sunda>\ He just went over for a few highballs and a little stud poker. *