A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 934, 29 March 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Statistic. —If every golfer who told the truth about his play were placed end to end he would be lonely. * » o' Fashion Note. —“ Well, skirts had to be longer.” “Yes, to be skirts any longer.' The Secret. —There is one way only for a man to be master in his own home, but he has never discovered it. A Canny Canine. —A mongrel is a dog that you tan train to fetch anything decent price. Diminuendo. — “l hear her clothes are the last word ” "The last word’ Why they're a whisper! ”

, Shake Well. —Mean Man (seeking free advice): “I’m on my way home, doctor. I feel very seedy and wornout generally. WWkt would 3 commend me to take?” Doctor: “A taxi.” His Luck. —A fair Parisienne is alj legred to have shot her husbar.d soon after she had returned from her first shooting lesson. Unluckily for the husband, he happened to be where she wasn’t aiming. « « » Concurrence. —Landlady: *1 think you had better board elsewhere." Boarder: “Yes, I often had. Landlady: “Often had what" Boarder: “Had better board elsewhere.”

Mysteries. —" Visitor (to newly-wed): "So you are not getting tired of studio life, eh ?" Artist’s Wife: '‘Good gracious, no! It's most interesting. Jim paints and I cook. TJ 'n the game is to to guess what the things are meant for." Valuable. —Manager: "Where did you keep this diamond tiara which you Say has been stolen?” Actress: "In the box with the rest of my jewellery." Manager (coldly): "What's it worth?” Actress: "Oh, about a column and ahalf." The Dilemma. —The employer called his secretary. "Here, John, look at this letter. I can’t make out whether it’s from my tailor or my lawyer. They're both named Smith.” And this is what John read: "I have just begun your suit. Ready to be tried on Thursday—Smith." Fatal. —The commercial traveller was explaining why he insisted on smoking a certain brand of cheap cigarettes. "You see, when I collect five thousand of these coupons I get a grand piano." P n e of the company promptly replied: "My dear chap, if you smoke five thousand packets of those things you’ll want a harp." * * Taking his Medicine. —A portly woman of very elusive beauty was addressing a meeting on temperance reform. "My friends." she said, "I had a husband who was addicted to the bottle. He was a great trial to me, but one day I persuaded him to take the pledge. He did so, and my joy was so great so over-whelming, that I flung my arms around his neck and kissed him.” "And served him jolly well right!" added a voice from the crowd. Complete Toilet. —The new recruit had committed one of the worst possible crimes. He had arrived 15 seconds late for his first dress parade. "I am very sorry,” said, in answer to the sergeant-major’s remarks, "but I awoke rather late this morning, and there were only 10 minutes for me to dress. "Ten minutes!” roared the sergeantmajor, "Why, I can dress with ease in that time." The recruit shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "Yes. sergeant-major," he said, in innocent tones; "but I wash."

Well Met.— "Do you find it hard meet expenses?” “Heavens, no. I meet ’em ever where.” Necessary Warning.-. in Scotland. Which accounts for t tradition that a player must keep 1 eye on his ball. Value of the Drama. —One never re Uses how many different varieties cough there are until a tense mome arrives at the theatre. Silent Comfort. -My wife Used play the piano a lot. but since the chil ren came she doesn’t have time. ' “Children are a comfort, aren't they A Be: wero parked end to end. tlio chane are some driver away up in fro couldn’t get his engine started. Curiosity Wi ns.— “ Why are you anxious to steam open that letter? Y« have worked with it lor over an hour "Because its from Helen. You s* 1 want to return it unopened!" No Enthusiasm. At an I’xbrid bazaar a prize was offered to the uglit man. Many men refused to ent owing to a rumour that the prize tv a sympathetic spinster. Cleopatra Calling. —lll contirmati of the theory about wireless bei known to the ancient Egyptians, atte tion is draw n to the striking absence telegraph poles in the Sahara. Accepted. — Returned Diner: • l h a wallet containing £IOO in notes the table.” Thankful Waiter: "Yes, I found and I appreciate your thought." Love's Tribute. —Mac Andrew: He much is a chocolate? Assistant You mean an ounce chocolates. Mac Andrew: D’ye think I’m a Me mon?

The Weekly Visit. —Visi or (to little Johnnie, who has been told to entertain her): "What nice furniture you have in your house!” Johnnie: “Yes, but I think the man we bought it from is sorry lie sold it now. He’s always calling.” The Type. —A joyous event had taken place in the home of the film producer. “Here is the son and heir, sir,” said the nurse, smiling coyly. The producer gave it a perfunctory glance. “Sorry," he said, absently, "not uuite the type!” Other Times, Other Manners.— "Elizabethan times wore dignified times,” says- a writer. When Queen Elizabeth noticed the gallant Sir Walter Raleigh hurriedly divesting himself of his cloak to place in the puddle she did not say: "Keep your shirt on, Wally.”

Not Fou going over examination papers, to student: “How do you account for your ob- ! servation that nitrogen is unknown iu Ireland?" Student: “The textbook distinctl\ says that nitrogen is not found in the free state.” No Use Tempting Fate. —Grim was the reply of the Scottish grave-diggei when a certain niggardly fanner was haggling about the charge of hi« wife’s interment. I well remember the grave-digger recounting the incident I had asked him if he ever had had any difficulty in getting payment for his rather trying work. ‘Only yince,” he said. "It was when Ewan Swan buried his wife. Ye mind her with the guid gaun tongue. Eftei I had raised my kep, as a signal to the mourners to gang. Ewan staved ahint. Says he to me, *What will I h»; aw'n ye, John?” ‘Seven and six/ says I. ‘lt's ower much/ says he, ‘in licht sari'dv soil like that,' and he hands me croon. ‘Sandy soil or hard clay, it's seven and six/ says I, ‘and doon with another half-crown or up si ie comes!’ And I nivver seen a half-crown come I sae smert oot o’ a fermer’s pooch.”