READ THE DIRECTIONS

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 913, 5 March 1930, Page 8

READ THE DIRECTIONS

TT was with enthusiasm that I read *- a recent news item to the effect that the new Telephone Directory j s to embody so many improvements over the old Directory, but I cannot help thinking that, admirable as the new features will be, they are not a fraction of the improvements which could be effected. To my mind, the possibilities of the Telephone Directory as an absorbing, instructive, and even thrilling volume of information, have not yet even been scratched. What is needed is a Directory that really is a directory—a book that noc only tells you where a person lives how he makes his living, and what his telephone number is, but on* that tells you something of the man himself, some of those little miscellaneous scraps of information which conjure up a mental picture of th e person answering the instrument at the other end. Open the existing directory any. where, and read at random.- What greets your eye? Something lik» this: 73-462 —Postlethwaite, A. A. (res.l, “Ivanhoe,” Dribling Avenue, Epsom. S 4-113 —Fotworthy, Gibling and Pot. worthy (Barrs., Solrs.), 301 Eureka Bldgs. Think how much more readable it would be were, the same Information conveyed in this wise: 73-462 —Postlethwaite, Alt., Arthur, “Ivanhoe,” Dribling Ave., Epsom; l aged 62. Pompous and crotchetv old buffer with a face like bad news from home. Writes to the papers about the modern girl. Don’t taka any notice of him. Always remember his mother used to call him “Little Alfie.” Besides, he keeps goldfish.

I wouldn't ring him up if I wer« you. Please yourself, of course. S 4-113 —Potworthy, Gibling and Potworthy (alleged Barrs, and Solrs.), 304 Eureka Buildings. A dud lot. Gibling drinks. There’s a Bnappy typiste, though. She answers the phone. Call her Pansy and tell her a tale. She likes limericks and Adolphe Menjou. And what of the long and dismal wait when you, Mrs. Householder, wish to ring up Fanny Ipley to tell her what Mrs. Footer said about her, and the only answer you get to your dialling Is that singularly depressing repetition of flatulent noises indicative of au engaged number. It is here that the Improved Telephone Directory should step into its own. How very exhilarating to be able to pick up the book and idly pass the time away by reading little Items like this:— 86-913—Sibley, Mrs. “Dolly” (res.), 15 Thrummer Road. Remuera, 49 if she’s a day. Divorced after That affair with young Popwood. They say she drugs. Main income, bridge. 79-SS2—Dodger, Win. A. (res.), cr. Owal Kd. and Tootle Ave., Mount Eden. Drinks like a fish. They say his wife all but sued when she found that note in his pocket from Milly Wibling. It is whispered, too, that there was something pretty fishy in the sudden way that he left Goopher and Smythe’s. Some say that they heard he was lucky not to be in gaol over that job. On aft his wile drinks, too. If there is one part of the Directory which I should be sorry to see altered in any way, it is the numerical Index at the end. That always makes good reading. Who could fail to bo inspired by such noble lines as — 69-431—F00. 69-432—P00 69-433—Who 69-434—You Or, 71-933—Mog 71-934—And 71-935—Smi » 71-936—Hie 71-937— Gor In fact, the Department could run a monthly competition on the things. Take any of them, say 83-164 Pag, and offer a prize for the best essay of not more than 5,000 words on what if means. Somebody might know.