A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 898, 15 February 1930, Page 21

A Jest or Two

Unforgivable. —He: “What do you consider man's greatest fault?” Middle-aged Spinster: “Being so scarce.” Lack of Tact. —Mrs. Biggs: “Henry, the food at this hotel is awful.” Mr. Biggs: “Yes, and just to think that we dined for change.” On the Contrary. —Usher (to cool, dignified lady): “Are you a friend of the groom?” The Lady: “Indeed, no! I'm the bride’s mother.” * * * In a Bad Way. —Golfer: “Hi, caddie! Isn’t Major Pepper out of that bunker yet? How many strokes has he had ” Caddie: “Seventeen ordinary, sir, and one apoplectic!”

Promising Case. —The New York lawyer looked up as his friend dashed into the office. “Hullo, what’s the matter?” he said. “Pal o’ mine just been run in for stealing whisky!” explained the other excitedly. “Will you take the case?” “Sure—is it going cheap?” * * * The Wrong Pea. —An old waiter of a club said to a new waiter: "Do you see that old buffer who has just sat down? He’s got a brother and they’re as alike as two peas. Dress alike and everything, only this one is as deaf as a post. Watch for some fun.” The old waiter then approached the man and said in an ordinary voice, much to the amusement of the new waiter: “Well, pieface, what do you want in your nosebag today?” “I’ll have a mutton chop,” said the diner; “and, by the wav, it is my brother who is very deaf.”

The Goods. —George, whose only means of support was his rich father, was being married. Everything went well until the bridegroom had to repeat the words, “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.” The congregation was then startled to hear a moan from the old man. “Heavens!” muttered Pa. “There goes his bicycle! * * * Found Wanting. —A clergyman preached a long sermon from the text “Thou art weighed in the balance and found wanting.” After his congregation had listened for about an hour some began to weary and went out. Others soon followed. Another person started, whereupon the parson stopped in his sermon and said, “That’s right, gentlemen: as fast as you are weighed, pass out.” * * * Irishmen Both. —Pat O’Hara and Mike Murphy had taken jobs at a colliery. Pat one morning broke his shovel when he was down the mine. He was too lazy, however, to take it to the surface with him, so he left it for his friend, writing on it in chalk, “Take my shovel up, Mike. I’ve forgotten it!” But friend Michael knew Pat of old, and refused to be caught by such an old trick. So he rubbed the message off, and substituted one of his own. “Take it up yourself. I've never seen it!’* * * * Love or Money. —lda had a million dollars. She was pretty and she loved him. He loved her and for a time it seemed that nothing could come between them. But the usual question arose. Could he be happy with a wife who had a million dollars? It worried him. She begged him to forget the money, but he was poor and he knew that he could never be happy with a million dollars. There was a sad parting scene, and though it broke his heart, he knew that he had done the correct thing. Two months later he married Bolly. She had five million dollars.

Poor Fish.—A professor at Northwestern University has discovered an anaesthetic that will put fish to sleep, which is a good thing to know in case you happen to meet any fish that are bothered with insomnia. • * * Unfair Means. —“ Another new hat! How do you induce your husband to pay for them?” “Quite simple. I go and see him at the office wearing the old thing I made myself.” Cast Off.— Wife; “A poor woman came today to ask for old clothes.” Husband: “What did you give her?” Wife: “That old suit you have had ior 10 years and the dress I bought last month.” * * • Popular. —“ Yes. my friends,” said the theological lecturer, “some aclmire Moses, who instituted the old law; some Paul, who spread the new. But, after all, which character in the Bible lias the largest following?” As he paused a voice from the back bench shouted: “Ananias!” Pin Money. —Young Husband: “Good gracious. Twenty-five pounds! What is this bill for?” Wife: “You said I need never want for pin money.” Husband: “Of course, but £26 in one week!” Wife: “It was a diamond pin, dear.” Beyond Him. —Wife: “When >ou’v« had a few whiskies-and-sodas you ought to realise you’ve had enough, and ask for some harmless drink like —well —sarsaparilla.” Husband: “Yes, my dear, but the difficulty is that when I’ve had a few whiskies I can’t say ‘sarsaparilla.’ ” • * * Fitting. —She was giving an order to the grocer. “And I require some cheese,” she said. “Yes, miss.” replied the grocer, smiling amiably; “I have some lovely cheese.” “You should not say ‘lovely cheese’’” said the customer severely. “But why not, miss? It is lovely cheese! ” “Because” —she tried to combine maidenly modesty with an air of learning—“because lovely should only be used to qualify something that is alive.” The grocer's smile broadened as he glanced at the Gorgonzola. “Well, miss,” he said, “I’ll stick to ‘Lovely’!”

Confession. —One of Levinsky’s customers was notorious for his slowness in meeting his liabilities. He simply would not pay for goods purchased. In desperation Levinsky sent the following letter: “Sir, —Who bought a lot of goods from me and did not pay?—You. But who promised to pay in €0 days?— You. Who didn’t pay in six months?— You. Who is a scoundrel, a thief, and a liar?—Yours truly, Al. Levinsky.”

A Start in Business. —ln spite of a reckless swerve, the speeding motorist killed the fowl which darted across the road in front of his car. The motorist pulled up just as an old woman who lived in a cottage near by came out of her gate. Her face was stern, her expression hard and forbidding. Before she could utter a word the motorist plunged a hand in his pccket and tendered her a pound note. “Here, my good woman,” he said apologetically, “this will square matters.” The sour face softened.

“It’s good of you,” she said. “Now I shall be able to begin keeping fowl* myself.”