This BLUEBEARD BUNK

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 895, 12 February 1930, Page 10

This BLUEBEARD BUNK

A lecture by Mr. Aleiste- Croxclr before the Oxford Poetry Society „a rA. de Pais, the 15th century magician cthc original '•Bluebeard,'’ teas ca neell. by the secretary , tcho stated that tti‘ authorities had banned it. —News item” W E are not told who the Authorities are; perhaps the Fairy Tale Control Board or the Oxford Poets’ Moral Welfare and Censorship Committee.

However, it seems clear to me what Is afoot. We have the Oxford Poets the Oxford Dictionary, Oxford Sausage and Oxford Bags, and now we’re going to have the Oxford or Amended Book of Fairy Tales.

Why did these Authorities ban the lecture on Bluebeard? Obviously because they consider the story obsolete mediaeval, and unfit for young Oxford Poets’ ears.

Very well then. A brief synopsis of the Bluebeard affair, as amended, approved and doubtless shortly to be published bv the Oxford Authorities would run something like this: Fatima Dehevolso, who should have been called Felicia, only the vicar got hiccups at the wrong moment, is the beautiful daughter of Paul Q. Debevoise, a poor, but honest Chicago Revenue officer.

She is Infatuated with Caleb S. Binebeard, a millionaire butter-and-egg man from Cincinnati, O. They are married, but shortly after the honeymoon he tells her that he must, go to New York on a strictly business trip in order to buy some more butter and sell a few eggs. He gives her the keys of all rooms in the house, but tells her that she must on no account enter one particular room.

Immediately he Is gone, Fatima naturally makes a bee line for’ the forbidden room and opening the door, discovers to her horror that her husband keeps a large quantity of bootleg liquor in there.

In company with her sister Anne, who is staying with her, she investigates, and finally they leave and loch up the room successfully, but find that neither cloves nor cinnamon is any good for removing traces of their guilt. Fatima then tells her sister to phone the drug store to send round urgently a sack of orris root. Sister Anne, of course, gets the wrong number, and falls asleep at the phone, while Bluebeard, returning unexpectedly, kisses Fatima fondly and immediately suspects the worst. He

rushes upstairs to his room, is frantic with grief to discover his loss, and coming dow n again, carries on something awful. He then phones his lawyer and obtains a divorce on grounds of cruelty. Then, of course, they all live happy ever after. Such would be Bluebeard brought up to date. And other stories would follow. The modernised version of the story about the unfortunate Fisherman who found a bottle full of Djinn on the beach and accidently let. the stuff run out, explains itself. Jack and the Beanstalk would be toned down a ti: and a lot of mediseval superstition eliminated. The Giant, of course, would be a financial giant, his name would be Wm. S. Trimble, and he would manufacture chewing-gum. His advertising slogan would be Fe! Fit Fo! Fumf Try Trimble's Chexcing Guml And in the end of the story he wouldn't fall down a beanstalk. The revised version would make him fall for a Mrs. De. Benstalk, a gold-digging widow. She would skin him good and proper. And then there’s the story of the Three Bears and what they did to the “Goldilocks” Mining Corps. Giltedged securities before the bulls got at ’em. The scene for the modernised An Baba and the Forty Thieves would naturally be laid in Chicago. “Open, Sesame” accompanied by a dollar bill* would be the password for the doorkeeper at the principal speakeasy-

And when the modernised Cinderella puts the slipper act over tn prince, and subsequently drives roun town in a 50 h.p. sports model Hispano. mumbling something to n Ugly Sisters about her fairy ?° mother having given it to her, t“ Ugly Sisters would make a bf ' e . for the hospital to have theii ia “ lifted. Because you can't gel with that fairy godmother st nowadays, even with ugly s Certainly not with the 0 r Authorities.