A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 892, 8 February 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Forestalled. —Father: I hear you are > always at the bottom of the class. : Can't you get another place? Son: No, all the others are taken. * * * Tit for Tat.—Scientist has invented j an earthquake announcer that goes off I like an alarm clock. There is a much j more general need fUr an alarm clock ! that goes off like an earthquake. * * * Cargo of Chestnuts. American Theatre Owner: How did the new jokes get across? Stage Manager: Must have come on the Mayflower. a * Promoting the Postman. —“Why do you always address the letter-carrier ao professor?” “‘lt’s a sort of honorary title. I’m taking a course by mail.'^ Muzzled.—“ Hullo! Bought a saxophone?” "No; I borrowed it from the man next door.” “But you can’t play it.” “Neither can he while I've got it.” • o « Unskilled. —Mistress (to new maid): It seems to me you want very large wages for one who has had so little experience. Maid: But, mum, ain’t it harder for me when I don’t know how? • * * But Otherwise Correct.—Joe: Congratulations, George! I hear you made £IO,OOO in three months in an oil speculation in Persia George: That’s not exactly' correct. It was in Venezuela, not Persia, and it was a speculation of land, not oil; and it was in three years, not three months. Joe: No matter! The main thing is that you made £IO,OOO. George: Even that’s not quite correct. It wasn’t £IO,OOO, it was £I,OOO. And I didn’t make it—l lost it.

More Land, More Rain.—“ Did you have much rain this year, Farmer Jones?”

“A fair amount, but my neighbour had more.” “How could he have more?” “He has more land than I have.” s « «

Face That Copped a Thousand Biffs. —Sparring Partner “You look annoyed this mornin’, boss.” Defeated Heavyweight Champion.— “Aye, an’ you’d be annoyed if a bloke bashed yer face to putty for ten rounds and then sent you a present of a hand-mirror next mornin’.”

The Bigger They Are the Kinder We Fool. —“ Lions are friendly if you treat them well.”—“Sunday Dispatch” heading. Personally we have always resisted, in a humane manner, our impulse to enter their cages and kick them around.

Tho Food of Love.—Wife: I’m afraid, Harold, you do not love me any more—at least, not so much as you used to.

Husband: Why ? “Because you always let me get up to light the fire now'.” “Nonsense, my dear. Your getting up to light the fire makes me love you all the more.”

Hie Own Medicine.—“l want some petrol, please,” said the motorist. “Yes, sir,” said the garage man. “Will you have some oil, too?” “No, just petrol.” “Or perhaps you’d like some paint? Your car could do with a coat, you know. I’ve got some wonderful new paint. It’s proof against heat and dirt, and it’ll wear for years. Then what about a new set of tyres? I’ve got some splendid tyres at present. They’re guaranteed not to skid, and, in addition ”

“I just want petrol!” roared the infuriated motorist. “Yes, sir. But if you’ll excuse me, I think you ought to have some new glass in your tail light. It’s a little cracked. Your magneto wants adjusting and ” “I said I just wanted petrol!” fumed the motorist. “Can’t you understand plain English?” “Why, of course, sir,” said the garage man.

He filled the motorist’s tank. Then he gave a sigh of satisfaction as he watched him drive off. For once he had got even with his barber.

His Majority.—“ Let’s see! Your nephew attained his major.ty several months ago. didn’t he?” "Yes.” replied honest Faimer Horn • beak, “but it ain't a working majority even yet.” • * * Clinging Vine.—“My wife looks well after me. I assure you that she takes off my boots for me in the evening.” “What! When you come from the club?” “No, when I want to go there.” <> • • Stalking the Yak.—“ Are you wearing spectacles, old man ?” “Yes. Through cross-word nuzzles I’ve contracted an optical defect. One eye travels vertically and the other horizontally I” E ntitled to Crow.—“ You made a bad break in alluding to that woman ae an old hen.” “How so?” “She must be somebody. I see she has been invited to lay a corner-stone.” * • • Tip to the Weary.—A big employer thinks his men work better if they have rest pauses at different periods of tho day. Exhaustive and painful researches also show that in every group there are some who would rest better if they did some work first. =c* * * When History Was Young.—Teacher — 4 Willie, do you mean to say that you can't name all the Presidents we have had? When I was your age I could name them all.” Willie —“Yes. but there were only three or four then.” See America First.—Black— So you had a chance to see the king's palace in England, eh? What did you think of it?” White—" Well, after seeing our own movie houses, filling stations, and hotI dog stands, it isn’t very impressive.

Charge It Up to Friction.—“ Now. Charles,” said the teacher, “if your father can do a piece O’: work in one liour and your mother can do it in one hour, how long would it. take both of them to do it?” “Three hours.” answers Charles, “counting the time they would waste in arguing.”

Too Much Tonic.—“l’m afraid.” said mother, thoughtfully', “we shall have to stop giving Dick that tonic the doctor sent for him.”

“Why?” exclaimed father, anxiously. “Isn’t it doing him any good?” “Well, he slid down the banisters ten times this morning, broke a lamp, two vases, and a jug, and kicked a football through the kitchen window, and 1 don’t feel I can stand much more.”

Fair Enough.—During a grouse drive two sportsmen were pocting the birds from butts situated very close to each other.

Suddenly a red face showed over the top of one butt, and the occupant said:

“Hang you, sir, you almost hit my wife just now!” “Did I?” said the other man, aghast. “I’m - terribly sorry*. Er —have a shot at mine over there.”

A Different Man. —The great store was crowded with shoppers when an agitated, woman approached the dignified shopwalker. “Please can you help me?” she begged. “I promised to m*:et my husband in this department an hour ago. I was wondering if you had noticed him.” The shopwalker was politely eager to help. “How would you describe him. madam? Is he a short man with a fresh complexion?” “Oh, no,” answered the distressed woman. “By this time he will be towering and white with rage.”

Breaking It Gently.—-Here is an instance of the difficulty the uneducated negro has in saying what he means directly-. A man ordered eggs for breakfast in an hotel in the States. “Boss,” said the coloured waiter, “mebbe you better t.ak' somethin* else. I would not care to recommend de eggs dis mornin'.” “Why not?” asked the wrhite man.

“Aren’t they fresh?” “I don’t know- ef they is or ef they ain’t, 'cause to tell you de truff we ain’t got none,” was the astonishing reply.