A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 880, 25 January 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Give him an S.“P.C.A. Medal.—"Oh, no, dear. I’m sure he’s a kind man. I just heard him say he put his shirt on a horse which was scratched." * * * The Passing.—He: We are now passing one of the most exclusive shops in the city. She: Why? * • « No Royal Road.—" How did you learn to walk the tight rope? Just pick it up yourself?" "Oh, no; it has to be taut." * * * The Capitol.—"So you are going to Rome! You will visit the Capitol, of course?" "Yes, we always go to the cinema first thing." INCLUSIVE Women’s faults are many; Men have only two — Everything they say, And everything they do. Chance to Elbow Yourself.—McGinty: I’ve a terrible corn on the bottom of my foot. Pat: That’s a foine place to have it —nobody can step on it but you. * * * Tested and True. —Mrs. Gray: Ah. Jenny, I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is grey? Mrs. Black: Why not —he’s loved you through three shades already. * * * Inhale Softly.—Landlady: I’m sorry to say the lady who gave me the recipe for this soup has just died. Star Boarder: Then, out of respect, we’ll all drink it in silence. * * 55 Museum Item.—"Wliy is Mabel so angry? The papers gave a full account of her wedding." "Yes, but they put in that Miss Blackfield was married to the well-known collector of antiques."

Exits and Entrances. —Inspector: Got away, has he? Did you guard all the entrances? Country Constable: Yes, but we think he must have left by one of the exits. * * # Allowances for Woman. —They were settling a number of preliminary details, as young people will before they take the decisive step. "Do you believe in allowances for married women?" she asked. "Sure," he replied. "I think a husband should make allowances for a lot of things."

M issing.—The "big" drummer of Boomtown’s band was a little chap of about five feet in height, and rather deaf. Nevertheless, he entertained high notions of his importance to the band. The band usually went .down the main road, but one day the leader turned down a by-street. The little drummer could not see over his instrument, so, ignorant of the change, marched steadily ahead, banging nobly. About five minutes later he finished his part and, hearing no other instruments, stopped and looked round for his comrades. Part of the crowd had accompanied him, and they gave him a cheer. In uneasy astonishment he turned to the smiling bystanders and enquired:— "Have any of you seen the remains of a band anywhere about here?"

Life’s Inequalities.—Father: How i ft it you have not dorie your school homo work? Son: I have decided not to do anv more. It is not fair. We children do the work and tho teacher gets paid for it.

The Poor Poet. —"I don’t know whether to become a painter or a poet.” "I advise you to be a painter." "Have you seen one of my pictures?" "No. but I have read one of your poems."

The Example.—A farmer, being elected to the school board, visited the village school and tested the intelligence of the class by the question: "Now, boys, can any of you tell me what naething is?" After a moment’s silence a small boy in the back seat rose. "It’s what ye gie’d me the other day for holding yer horse." • * 0 Forgive and Forget.—ln the announcement of the revival at the Church of the Brethren, made in the "Herald" last week, the linotype spoiled a perfectly good compliment by misplacing one letter. The sentence should have read, “He believes in a happy religion, and lives it." But the linotype made it, "He believes sin a happy religion, and lives it." Can an apology ever fix it?—“Sabetha (Kans.) Herald." » m * Thrift.—A man, running after a tramcar, panted to the conductor: "How much to the station from here?" "Twopence," replied the conductor. The man continued to run, and, hat - ing covered another stretch, inquired breathlessly of the conductor: "How much now?" "Threepence," retorted the conductor. "Ye’re runnin’ the wrong way.” * * • The Little Darling.—Toys glittered on all sides of the small girl who had just entered the bazaar. The magnificent display almost overawed her, and it was in a very small voice that she answered the assistant who inquired her needs. "Have you a nice toy costing about ninepence?” she asked. "I want it for a birthday present for my little sister." "Well," said the kind assistant, “here’s a doll. It really costs a shilling, but I’ll let you have it for ninepence.” "Oh!” said the child. "If you’re knocking threepence off everything I’ll have one of those threepenny picture books." ♦ * * How Much Better.—They were new to the district. So, of course, their first visitor was the parson’s wife, a lady whose good qualities far outshone her appearance. The new tenant’s small daughter, aged seven, eyed the visitor up and down during a lengthy silence, which she ultimately broke with the remark:— "Oh, dear, you are a funny lady!" Her mother was horrified, and sought to undo the mischief. "Why, Doris," she said, "what do you mean?” Doris looked scared and stammered: "I only meant it for a joke.” "Well,” said her parent sternly, "it would have been a much better joke if you had said, ‘What a pretty lady you are’!”