A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 874, 18 January 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

High Descent.—The general knowledge class had been discussing forms of government. The weary teacher at length propounded the question: “Well, Simpson, what is the difference between a King and a President?** •'Please, sir, a King is the son of his father. but a President isn’t” The Honest Reprobate. The vicar was new to the village. At his first service he preached a vigorous sermon against betting, lie was horrified afterward when the churchwarden told him that the squire, who had been in church, was a notorious gambler. Hoping to get out of the great man’s bad books at once, the vicar made straight for the squire's house. ‘Tm afraid I must have offended vou this morning,” he said, in apologetic tones. To his surprise, the squire gave a loud guffaw, and patted him on the back. “Don't worry about that, old man.” he replied. "It’s a mighty bad sermon that doesn't hit me somewhere.”

The Impossible.—A fisherman walking across a hayfield in the country met a farmer. “Is it an offence to catch fish here?” he asked. “Offence?” replied the farmer. “No. It’s a miracle.” * * * Any Colour Acceptable.—Aunt Dorothea: “If your father saw your behaviour it would give him grey hairs ** Willie: “He would be very pleased.” “What do you mean?” “He's bald.”

Address Unknown.—A friend tells us he received from an insurance company a letter worded as follows: “Dear Sir: Will you please inform us whether you can be reached at this address, and if not at what address you can be reached?” Desiring to evade a call from the company’s agent, lie shrewdly replied:— “Sirs: I beg to inform you that I cannot bo reached at this address.”

Three Firsts.—" Well boys,” said Uncle Dick, “how are you getting on at school?” “I’m first in arithmetic.” Jack replied. ‘Tm first in spelling.” said Bobby. “Fine! Now what are you first in Tommy?” ‘Tm first in the street when it is time to go home.”

Arranged For.—" Why is the tenor swearing so heartily in his dressingroom ?** “He has received 10 laurel wreaths.” “But that ought not to make him swear.’* “But ho ordered a dozen.”

Filthy Lucre.-—“lf you are good,” said the boy’s father, “I’ll give you a lovely, shiny, bright new penny.” “A nasty, dirty, old shilling would do.” said the boy.

Splendid Idea.—A kindly but somewhat patronising landlady inquired of the young bride how she and her husband proposed to spend their holiday. “Our plans so far,” replied the bride a little distantly, “are only tentative.” “Oh, how delightful!” exclaimed the landlady. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy camping out more than anything else you could do.” • * * How Henry Won Success.—A year ago, when Henry Glimff started writing his first talkie scenario, he was penniless. Today he is worth half a million. Henry’s talkie didn’t have: A plot about a poor actor who became a star. A mysterious series of midnight murders. A dozen night-club scenes. A couple of mammy or father-and-son songs. A thief who reformed because of a girl. * A nit-wit who turned out to be a detective, or An actor who carried on, although his sweetie was dying. It was a good talkie, all the same. Henry is still trying to sell it. He made his half million by inventing a handy potato-peeler.

The Recommendation. Alice had just given her mistress notice. "I'm going to Mrs. White in the next street, ma'am,” she added. “But does Mrs. White know that you’ve been with me only for six weeks?” she inquired suspiciously. Alice nodded. “Yes, ma’am. She said that if I’d managed to stay with you that long it was good enough reference for her?”