A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 868, 11 January 1930, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Tho On* Thing Needed. —The Prospective Groom (grayly).-—"Will it take much to feather a nest?" Furniture Dealer: "Only a little down!” With Compliments.—W. S. Gilbert once said of a certain man: "Xo one can have a higher opinion of X than I have —and 1 think he’s a dirty little beast.”

Christmas Stock. —Grocer (making: up his order for the week). —"Do we want any new-laid eggs, George?” George (the assistant). —“No, sir; we have enough in the store-room for another six weeks.”

Happy Thought. —lt was the first time the shy young man had been to a big dance, and when his partner decided she did not want to dance the next, he was at a loss for something to talk about. “Do you ever have indigestion?” he asked, in a desperate effort to make conversation. The girl looked at him queerly. “No,” she said, shortly. “What a pity,” murmured the youth. “I know such an excellent remedy.” * * * A Hole in One. —A golfing husband was entertaining a friend. They were left alone talking for some time after dinner. Then the wife entered the dining room to hear her husband pass some remark about “a hole in one.” “My goodness,” she said, “are you still talking about golf?” “No, dear,” said her husband, with a smile; “we’re talking about socks.”

All in Order. —One day Mrs. Jones rushed into her husband’s presence with hasty steps and a wild look of excitement. “Oh, John!” she exclaimed. “Norah’s made a mistake and tried to light the kitchen fire with petrol.” “Petrol, eh?” calmly responded John. “Did she get it started?” “Did she get it started?” cried the amazed Mrs. Jones. “It blew her out through the kitchen window!” “That’s all right, my dear,” returned the philosophic Jones; “it was her afternoon out, anywaj%” * * * The Bald Fact. —An old bachelor, who was quite bald, fell in love with a pretty widow, whose former husband’s name was Robin. One afternoon the bachelor dropped in to have a cup of tea with the widow, who, when tea was over, began to sing “Robin Adair.” The bachelor picked up his hat. “Madam,” he said, “even if your husband did have hair, it’s no fault of mine that I haven’t.” * * * The Perfect Host. —Reginald and his three sisters went to visit a relative in the country. Although it was understood the visit was to last three weeks, their stay lengthened to two months. “Well,” asked the father on the return of his offspring, “Was your Uncle William glad to see you?” “Was he?” said the boy as though surprised by the query. “He asked me why we didn’t bring you, mother, the cook, the maid, and the dog!”

No wonder Mussolini can handle tangled affairs. He was raised on spaghetti. Many a man who seems to be on Rasy street is only on Easy Payment Street. —'Virginian- Pilot.” • e e According to a scientist the next war will be fought by wireless. Wh.it we heard on our set the othe.r evening made us think it had started.— “Punch.”

Ono of these days we expect to read of a Hollywood actress who has been granted a divorce and the custody of the press agent.—“ New York Evening Post.” A Drug in the Market. —Two tramps were passing a church in front of which a notice was displayed, “Sale of Work .” One turned to the other in amazement. “Lumme. 15111,” he said, “they're selling it now!”

Secondhand. —Assistant: Yes. sir. those socks w’ill give perfect satisfac - tion. I’ve worn them myself for the last two months. Customer: Have you a pair like them that you haven’t worn so long? * a * Condensation. —The reporter came idly into the office. * “Well.” said the chief, “what did our eminent statesman have to say?” “Nothing.” “Well, keep it down to a column.” • * * Dressing For It. —The family were spending their holiday by the sea. Beryl was worrying her mother for ices. “But it really is too chilly for icecream this morning, dear,” replied mother. “Oh, but I’ll put my coat on to have it. Mummy,” came the replj*.

“I want to ask him to play outsida our house at 12 o’clock?” “Are you fond of music?” “No. But mother will go to the window, and I can then empty my soup down the sink.” —“Pages Gaies,” Yverdon.

Poor Security. —As the well-known actor entered his dressing-room his dresser cornered him and asked him if he hadn’t forgotten something. “No,” replied the actor, “I think not.” “Not the bottle of port you promised me, sir?” “No, I didn’t forget it. I left it with the stage doorkeeper.” “That’s done it,” groaned the dresser. “Why, you might as well have left a cabbage leaf in charge of a rabbit.” More Howlers. —“ The cow is a very useful animal to us. He gives us ivory from his horns and milk if it is a lady. ’ “Death by lightning is an act of God under very suspicious circumstances.” “Lord Mayors of London are generally big business men and they are invariably benighted.” “Aden is a British coaling station at the bottom of the Red Sea.” "Extempore is a disease in dogs.” “Sapper is a substance which ooze* from trees.” “R.I.P. —Return if possible.”