Do You Fight With Your Wife?

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 862, 4 January 1930, Page 16

Do You Fight With Your Wife?

You Must Do So, Occasionally, If You Don’t Want to Lose Her Affection, Says Psychologist. . . “Women Crave a Good Scrap When They Feel They’re Taken For Granted” . . .

a OCRATES dominated his fVifQSJ! epoch among the ancients with his intellect, but when the domestic , doors closed on him he [ was in turn dominated by the tongue ot his wife, Xantippe. She nagged him all the time, and instead of fighting back, he tried to turn the constant battle of the hearth to his moral advantage, and thus develop his patience and forbearance. All rery well for Socrates, who has been considered something of a superman, and undoubtedly had other qualities by which he asserted his superority over his belligerent mate. But such an attitude for the average man is the beginning of the end of love in this modern day. according to the well-known psychologist and novelist, Dr. Daniel Carson Goodman.

"The quickest way for a man to lose his wife is to bo docile, kind, and gentle; never to fight back when she starts nagging and fighting with him. If there is anything a woman craves, it is a good fight with her husband when he starts to take her for granted, when gifts are lavished on her instead of caresses, and when he is too devoted to golf and business to consider her flirtations in anything but a broad-minded way. The next move is toward the divorce court, a brokenup home. If the woman is highspirited enough, she just “walks out” on her husband from sheer boredom. “However, if a husband wants to hold his wife's affection he must fight with her, must dominate her. Of course, this struggle for supremacy exists between all lovers, and is usunlly confined to little acts, deeds, and words—a woman’s best weapon—which often seem insignificant, but which are of the utmost importance. The caveman type of husband given to physical violence is not appealing to the majority of women. They are subdued by more subtle methods of conquest.” The thorough manner in which Dr. Goodman has taken up the study of human nature and the adjustment of man and woman in the married state is attested by the years of intensive work devoted to study and preparation before even attempting to write his novels, which all deal with psychology in the form of fiction. Believing that a psychologist should acquire a doctor's deg Tee before delving too deeply into his own realm of study. Dr. Goodman graduated in medicine, later doing post-graduate work in Heidelberg University, in Germany, also receiving a diploma at the University of Vienna, in Austria. The medical student felt better equipped to go on with his psychological surveys, as ho felt more strongly than ever that to understand the psychological aspect one must look deeply into the part the physical side plays in the drama of life. “It Is to be remembered that no matter how deep the love between husband and wife may be, they are really strangers in their thoughts; combatants, as it were, of a different species, united by a compelling emotion, a chemical reaction called love,” says the doctor. “And students of human nature have long appreciated the fact that there Is an antagonism between lovers; that it is first and foremost a battle, a fight, with a necessary vanquished and victor. “To keep the fires of love burning, as well as to maintain the happiness of the home and Its stability. It is necessary for the husband to win, for that is the perfect end of the clash between lovers. Every woman, for all her protests to the contrary, likes to feel the elemental satisfaction of being dominated by a strong masculine character, to whom she can surrender unconditionally and find an unexpected joy in following out his commands.

“But the woman goes down fighting, usiDg her weapons ot beauty, grace, charm, her power of dissimulation and deceit, and her weakness —perhaps the most redoubtable of all her weapons - tears. When she is forced to her last line of defence she begins to cry. Now what chance has a man against a woman who cries when she loses? In this struggle for supremacy between lovers it is unique for the singular reason the weaker antagonist has the better of it simply because

she is the weaker one. She wouldn’t dare to make a thrust at man’s intellect, for, as a rule, man keeps superior in this respect. "I recall an instance just lately when a man bravely took out an old pipe he loved and started smoking in a mixed gathering. From the cold glare and straight thin lips of his wife, I sensed that a struggle over that pipe had been going on for months; and from the initial surprise of the wife I could feel that she thought she had rid him of his pipe. All evening I was conscious of the tension between this married couple, fighting ferociously, with a smile on their lips. I'm afraid that woman lost her supremacy. "In the battle of love one can see clearly the movements of hearts just as easily as a couple holding hands, exchanging glances and all the other symptoms. To watch these movements is as interesting as to observe the rising of the sun and as thrilling, at times, as a clos,e athletic contest. Man has sought to conquer the forces of nature, but is still powerless against the force of love; it is his eternal adversary, and many of us are pitifully defeated by it. Yet, to put it frankly, his only hope is in wining over it, dominating his lover; therein reaping spoils of victory, with all the trappings. “But if the woman is the victor, which is unhappily a usual situation, her f eelinas toward the conquered husband are not conducive to the strongest love. In the struggle between the lovers the woman, against her fundamental nature, has fought with all shrewdness for victory. Yet she has a contempt for her victim. The husband, in such cases, is termed ‘housebroken’ by the stronger mate, and is reduced to a mechanism utilised for the making of money and filling out the domestic picture. The wife, flattered by her easy accomplishment, gains courage with an aroused competitive spirit, and seeks new fields to conquer. With one victim in tow, she gains greater assurance, becomes more attractive and even acquires a virility that has an effect on her mental state. She starts flirting with

other men, with the husband helplessly aware of it. “We all know of such married couples. Their relationship is just a travesty of emotion that they keep up until they are so irked by its artificiality that they grow bored and hate each other, or at least one the other. What happens to the man in such a position? “He becomes more and more docile; more clinging, more generous. His wife has taken on a deceptive glamour, while the husband slowly develops an inferiority complex and becomes a deadly bore to his ambitious wife. She nags him all the more, fights with him in hope that he will show a spark of manhood and subdue her. Instead, he goes out and buys her a new car or a necklace.” Dr. Goodman claims that this distorted condition in modern married life is caused mostly by love mellowing the masculine emotion to the point of docility and the inevitable death of love. “The maternal instinct, which is

present in varying degrees in men as well as women,” he says, “comes to the surface after a man has been married for a tirog. He looks on his wife through the eyes of a protector, a provided rathq- than a lover. He is generous and <s.tiiiigng to the point of distraction. The wife, being mentally pleased, is elementally disgusted, and with all her feminine nature resents this kindliness. In fact, many romantic women, encouraging such flattering devotion, are only subconsciously aware of this contradictory nature.”

Dr. Goodman says it is necessary for the husband to show his superiority over his wife early in their marriage or he is doomed, becoming more docile all the time just for the sake of domestic tranquillity. He has so many problems in business that he wants peace and relaxation in the home —and sometimes he doesn’t get it.

“Men are too idealistic to apply at home the shrewd psychology that they are forced to use daily in their business,” he adds. “He fails to realise that the business of love is just as diflicult as any other. “Men are eternal egoists,” says Dr. Goodman in answer to the query whether men like women who do not flatter them. “I know a man whose wife does not flatter him, but he apologises to himself for her by thinking her interest in him has made her tactless.”

As for the possibility of a man understanding his wife. Dr. Goodman says: “Husbands make a mistake in not realising that a woman is as great a puzzle to herself as she is to him. I have heard it said that a woman is half female and half dream. The feminine mind dabbles in ultrasentimental exaltation. She is like a child, always hunting for fairies under the flower pot. I doubt if the highest exaltation ever comes to a woman, however, unless she is materially comfortable. It takes a man to see nature with a poet’s eye—on an empty stomach. It is folly for a man to try to understand the workings of a woman’s mind.”