A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 822, 16 November 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Marvellous. —The human brain a marvellous organ. 1: starts to function as soon as we wake up. an it doesn't stop until we get to the office. The Medicine. “T your hay fever?” •Yes. I'm taking b-.xing lessons i*’m going to wallop the first man \> . ■ tries to give me advice The Test of Courage.—l .; a accepted suitor for his da lighter'.*htnd): Now one of the family. I wonder if you'd a" downstairs and give the eooU net an

Time To Go.—Mr. Stayl te (to fiancee): “If T had enough money I'd I travel.” Her father (from the next room): “Just how much do you need V" A Formality. —Mother: “Now. Tommie, you must wash your hands before you get ready for the party.” Son: "But, mummie. you said it was informal.” Not Big Enough.— lie: “I stippost I’m only a pebble on the beach of yoar life.” She: “That is true: but you might stand a. chance if you were a little 1 boulder.”

Honest Toil. —Farmer (to friend): “I hear, Bert, that while, ye were in the city ye took up this here golf. How’d ye like it?” Bert: “Well, it ain’t bad. It's a bit , harder than hoein’ turnips an’ a bit easier than diggin’ potatoes. Weeps on her Shoulder. —Mrs. Dryer?: “Do you find your husband much improved under national Prohibition?” Mrs. Wetmore: “Quite the contrary. Formerly he told his troubles to the ; barmen. Now 7 I have to listen t«*; them.” The Cure. —A “good anti-cold remedy” is called the Scotsman’s cure: Go to bed with a bottle of whisky, a • jar of hot water, and a silk hat. Place • the silk hat on one of the bedposts at . the foot. Drink whisky and hot ! water until you can see three hats, I by which time all danger will have \ been averted. How She Interpreted It.—Mrs. Went - : worth had not been feeling at all well. She decided at last to consult a i specialist. “You are just a little run down, i madam,” pronounced the great man. after making a careful examination. “You need frequent baths and plenty of fresh air. I would also advise you to dress in the coolest, most comfortable clothes. Remember, nothing formal.” Mrs. Wentworth returned home in high glee. “Well, dear,” asked her husband. “What was the specialist’s opinion?” “He said that I must go to the seaside, do lots of motoring, and get some new summer dresses,” she replied.

Ta ler St ' :. . fish was mo bis the others wouldn’t let me haul It into the boat for fear of swum ping A! Same thing happened to in* once—on the Aorangi.” - ke tha Pat.- long-lost returned home, with a beard. “IV h< re have you been7** Inquired hi®« anxious parents. "I was watching them repair a road. " was tho reply. Knows her Cyclone. —Burglar (to hi* \vife>: "I've tried blasting and I've tried i shdue-hummer, but I still can’t get this safe open.** Wife: “Don't give up; let the baby play it Always in Training.— “Motoring Mirelx a great thing. I used to lie fat * ml sluggish before the motoring erase, but now I'm spry and energetic.” • I didn't know* you motored.** ' l don't. 1 dodge.” Presence of Mind.—“ Angus, they : I me you and Donald were in a railway accident. Did you collect any dam"Wo did. Rut never a shilling wud we have got had 1 nj thoclit to kick Donald in tho face.” His Reward. Young lady (at p r? office): “Give mo a jenny stamp, pleas* Km l seem to know* you.” Clerk: “Yes. I saved you from drowning last week. Young lady* “Of course—you may give me twelve penn\ stamps and a postal order for live shillings.”

Magic Words. — He was from the wide < spaces of the Great North-West and was telling of the perils of travel: “A man saved my life once, by saying | just two words.” i “I know*.” observed one of the listeners, “Not guilty.”

Sure Cure. —Dietitian: “A few leaves : of lettuce without oil, a bran cracker, and a glass of orange juice. Stick to that and your weight will come down." Woman: “Well, that’s fine, doctor, i Now. do I take that before or after j meals?” * * * Never Trust ’Em.— Prison Chaplain: “Why are you here again, Tom?” Convict: “Because of my belief, sir.” Chaplain: “Nonsense! What do you • mean?” • Convict: “I believed the policeman | had gone by, sir.”