A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 810, 2 November 1929, Page 21

A Jest or Two

Dolling Up to Make a Hit.—“ Tell me.” said the girl flyer as she prepared to hop from her plane, “is my parachute on straight?”

Hurry Call.—Singer: And for bonnie Annie Laurie I’d lay me down and die. Listener (rising): Is Miss Laurie in the audience?

Guilt of Mr. Milquetoast. —“That boy of ours gets more like you every day.” Husband (meekly): “What’s he been up to now?” Reward of Eloquence.—Dentist (to his vicar in the chair): After your powerful sermon last Sunday on “The Beauty of Truth,” I cannot tell a lie. Er—this will hurt. * * Age of Visibility.—“What’ll we do with all those invisible hairnets we have left in stock?” asked the clerk. “Put ’em on sale as the newest material for street dresses,” replied the head of the department. Superior Layer.— “My chicken laid an egg!” boasted Willie, who had a bantam hen for a pet. “Huh! that’s nothing,” the Mayor’s son retorted: “my father laid a cornerstone yesterday.” Tonsorial Redundance.—Wife: Deceiver, I hate you! Husband: But yesterday you said you loved every hair on my head. Wife: But not every hair on your shoulder. Haunted.—Doctor: Yes, it is some chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness.

Patient: Sh-s-sh! For heaven’s sake, speak softly—she’s sitting in the next room.

Also a Few Collectors at the Door.— Teacher: Johnny, if your father could save one dollar a week for four weeks, what would he have? Modern Child (promptly): A radio, an electric refrigerator, a new suit, and a lot more furniture.

High Cost of Rescue.—One of the miscellaneous statisticians, who wanders afield in selecting subjects for investigation, declares lawyers are paid 100 times as much for getting people out of matrimony as ministers are paid for getting them joined together.

Lucky it Wasn’t the Hallelujah Chorus. —John Philip Sousa loves to tell one about two members of his famous band, or rather, about their wives. One, a bride of a year, was pushing a perambulator in which were babies, triplets. The other had been only married for a few weeks. “What beautiful babies!” exclaimed the newly-married one. “Yes,” replied the proud mother, “and let me tell you the funniest coincidence. At our wedding, Mr. Sousa and some of the band serenaded us and they played ‘Three Little Maids’ from the ‘Mikado.’ Isn’t that funny?” At this the other bride turned pale. “Good heavens!” she gasped. “We were serenaded, too, and they played the Sextette from ‘Lucia.* ”

Utility Pioneers.—A scientist says that reindeer developed horns to save their heads from bumps. This rather shakes the theory that reindeer developed horns to make hat-stands. * • « Poetry of Motion.—"‘Your daughter *s naturally graceful!” “Yes. Whenever she swats a fly. you’d think she imagined she was Helen Wills.” Putting a Kick in Shakespeare.— Teacher: What did Juliet say when she met Romeo in the balcony? Pupil: Couldn’t you get seats in the orchestra ? * * * First Fond Illusions.—The SisteV: Captain Randall proposes in this letter. I wonder if he really loves me—he’s only known me a week. The Brother: Oh, then, perhaps he

Union Rules.—The maid spoke sharply through the door: “No I can’t give you anything: you’ll have to come back after five o’clock when the madam is here.” “I’m sorry, lady, I can’t.” said the beggar. “My hours are only eight to four.”

Back-Seat Music.—Turn to the right, John! More to the right. . . . Now a little bit to the left! Too far —I told you so. . . . Back—that’s right—back a little more. . . . Turn it! John! That’s it. .. . No! Will you ever get it? . . . Gently. . . . Ah, now we can sit back in comfort. . . . Leave it there, John. . . . I knew if I told you how to do it, you’d get station KOA. * * * Punishing the Guilty.— There was pawky humour—or was it ready wit? —in the remark of a boy who, coming home one Sunday afternoon with a. string of trout, was suddenly confronted bv the minister. There was no way of escape: but the boy rose to the occasion. “Minister,” he exclaimed, “d'ye see what thae troots got for nabbin’ worms on a Sunday?” The minister went on his way rejoicing. * * * Veteran Under Fire.—“ Did you give the man a third degree?” asked the police officer. “Yes. We browbeat and badgered him with every question we could think of.” “What did he do?” “He dozed off and merely said now and then, ‘Yes, my dero, you are perfectly right.’ ”

New Meal Ticket.—A Southern woman stopped a darky on the street the other day and said: “Mose, I’m sorry to hear your wife got a divorce and has left you.” Mose: “Yessum, she’s done gone back to Alabama.” Southern Woman: “Who’s going to do my washing now?” Mose: “Don’t yo’ fret, missus. I’se cotin’ again an’ ah sho’ cotes fast.”