A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 774, 21 September 1929, Page 23

A Jest or Two

Which Half.—Lady Driver: “Have we plenty of eras now before we start?” "The indicator says one-half —but I don’t know whether it means half full or half empty.” Our Illusions. —An when he is in a show he has nothing ! but a little lean meat for dinner. We ! thought that actors always preferred I the fat parts. The Compromise.— Aunt: "I thought your father objected to your wearing i short dresses.” Modern Miss: "Oh. daddy has agreed j that it is all right for me to wear them shorter if I wear them longer.” The Saving Sex.—Husband: "l sec that out of every hundred persons lined tor travelling without a ticket, eighty - ; five are women.” ! Wife: “There! That shows that j women are more economical than men.” No Profit. —To a Scottish returned i man an acquaintance remarked. "So } you were in the A.1.F., Angus?” “Oh, I was in the army,” was the 1 proud response. "Did you get a commission ?” ! “No: only my wages.” Nothing Venture. Nothing Have. — j "What did you say when you proposed ; | to Muriel?” j “I told her the truth. I said: ‘I am nothing, I have nothing, and I can do ; nothing.’ ” j "What did she do?” ; “She did nothing.” Bits and Pieces.—Teacher: If I tear , a piece of paper into four, what do I get? Pupil: Quarters. Teacher: And if I divide it into | eight? Pupil: Eighths. Teacher: And if I divide it into j 8,000 parts? Pupil: Confetti, sir. In the Rough.—lt was a hot, sultry session in the courts and the judge was thinking other than judicial thoughts. Finally the lawyer said: "He claims his wife was intractable, your Honour, so he beat her into subjection with a golf club.” “How many strokes?” asked the judge absently.

The Pants She Panted For.—The will has just been proved of a man living in a south-west suburb of London who died last November, in which he left to liis wife. “One pair of my trousers, free of duty, and carriage paid, as a symbol of wliat she wanted to wear in my lifetime, but did not.”

Deduction. —“When docs the wedding j take place?” inquired the old stationer, jestingly. “Why, you don’t think —” She blushed and hesitated. “Ah, miss, when young ladies buy a hundred sheets of paper and only twenty-five envelopes, I know there is always something behind it.” Thieves’ Honour. —George looked! He was right. He had heard cries for help. There was a big bully of a man beating another much smaller individual. Like a shot the young man threw himself into the fray. In another moment the bully was laid low by a well-timed uppercut. “’Ow can I thank you?” asked the victim, as he pulled himself together. “Now, look ’ere. I insist on your sharin’ the ten-bob note I took off ’im, and the next blinkin’ pocket I try to pick will belong to a man ’arf as big

Snail's Understudy.—An American film star is said to have been a jobbing gardener a few years ago. Our jobbing gardener must have begun his career as a film star, judging by his slow-motion studies with the spade. Improved Her A <m. Workmen recently unearthed some two-thous-and-years-old pottery and a human skull. As the latter was badly dented, it is presumed that the poor fellow was foolish enough to dodge when his wife threw the pottery at him.

* The Damp Inn.—A young man who had spent a week-end motoring was retailing his experiences to an clderl> aunt. "It was a jolly change, except pn one occasion when I encountered a damp inn." he said. “Oh,” said the aunt severely, “I presume the—er—pin went through your

Well Suited.—"l am a woman of! few words,” announced the haughty mistress to the new maid. “If I beckon with my finger, that means, come.” “Suits me, mum,” replied the girl. "I’m a woman of few words myself. Jf I shake me head, that means I ain’t cornin’.” * * • The Clutching Hands.—"l see that i you’ve given up teaching your Joan to , drive.” I "Yes; we had an accident.” i “Did you? What happened?” “I told her to release her clutch, and she took her hands off the steering • wheel ” Apple Addicts.—Stranger: Is this a healthy locality? | Native: Very. Why, we have only had one death in ten years, and that was the doctor. I Stranger: Indeed! And what did he I die of? | Native: Starvation. Profitable Evening.—" Who’s the ab-sent-minded one now?”’ said the professor as tliev left the church one* rainy night. "You left your umbrella back there and I not only remembered mine but I brought yours, too.” And he produced them from his coat. His wife gazed blankly at him. “But.” said she, “neither of us i brought one to church.” From Shock.—Tin*' were talking of a fellow club member, i i "When I come to think of it.” said one man, "l don’t think I've seen old ■ Harry for nearly a week.” "I'll bet you haven’t,” agreed unoth* . man, entering at the moment. "He's . been dead three days.” “Dead? How did that happenV” “Well, you know his wife had a Iftttfc habit of making him carry everything : she bought. List week she bought a grand piano.” "But he didn’t have to carry that j suiVly?” "No; he took one look at it, though, and passed away without so much as a sound.”