The “Clinging Vine” Wife: Is She Popular?

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 774, 21 September 1929, Page 22

The “Clinging Vine” Wife: Is She Popular?

Some Men Have Risen to Success Because of Their Helpless Wives, Says Expert . . . Their Dependence Makes Men Feel Important ...

Hiiy do men prefer the clinging - vine, delicately helpless type of woman? The sort who, far from helping them on their path of success, only serves to thwart their activities and to make the struggle infinitely harder ? So often one finds a man of industry, energy and initiative marrying a spineless, indolent woman who can’t hang a picture straight, who squeals or faints at a pin prick, who needs assistance at every move and who, generally, is quite lacking in backbone. On the other hand, why does a brilliant, self-reliant woman lose her head to a ne’er-do-well who finds thinking a strain on the brain and who must I leave everything to his wife, even to | locating his collar buttons? A man! who must he soothed and petted and pampered while his wife does the ; work? In short, why these puzzles of human nature? Is it because opposites attract? Or because the stronger man or womau wants to have someone to lean on his or her pillar of strength? Or is it because they simply dou’t use their Intelligence? Or. t. S. Wile, well-known psychiatrist, educator and author, believes that while these marriages are contracted for any number of reasons, in the majority of cases these people didn’t know what they were gett' \g when the all-important question was asked. The Average Person “First of all,” he said, “when the average person marries, he has not as yet manifested all the qualities of his character, whether it is great energy and initiative or spinelessness. These traits are not evident until later, when they develop as the result of changed conditions in living. The woman may therefore not know until after her marriage that she married a ne'er-do-well who will be nothing but an ornament around the house. She begins to realise that, if she is to get anywhere, she will have to carry the load for both of them and she starts to take the initiative. Gradually she develops such qualities as self-reliance, industry, and will power which she may not have possessed before.

“Conversely, the man who finds that he has married a clinging vine, who

j lends him no support whatever, grits his teeth and buckles down to work with an energy that he has hitherto ! never displayed. Many a man has j risen to success because of the ‘spiritual nourishment’ which a spineless wife has given him. Had he a more capable and efficient partner, he probably would not have advanced very far. On the other hand, I have frequently seen cases where a man’s success and wealth have metamorphosed a woman into a whining, spineless and selfish creature. “Of course,” says Dr. Wile, “we all know that there are men who deliberately seek a cllnging-vine type of woman because she inflates their ego and makes them feel strong and important. The helpless bit of femininity who always needs a man to revive her and to help her is frequently glorified in novels and plays as the kind that men marry. Equal of Man "Today, with the modern woman proving she is every bit the equal of man in intellect and in courage and even in strength, we are likely to throw epithets at the clinging vine and to disparage her as much as we can. But it seems to me that this is unfair, because when you consider it, she has been the ideal of man through the ages. But far be it from me to say that every man can get along with a clinging vine. There are many—and I do not refer to masculine weaklings—to whom such a woman is a detriment. Instead of being stimulated, the husband finds that his energy is being sapped. He becomes so exhausted from catering to her whims and fancies that he is unable to accomplish anything in his work. If a woman wants to be a clinging vine she must make sure that she gets the right person to cling to, otherwise her marriage may end m disaster.

“The difficulty is, though, that it is not until after marriage that one begins to know what sort of a person one has chosen for a mate. Only one side of personality is in evidence auring courtship. What is more, the lovers try to magnify their virtues and lo minimise their faults as much as possible. Each plays a role which will bo pleasing to the other. Of course, it isn’t only during courtship that we play a certain part, but in our relationships with other people as well. For instance, we act one way to our parents, another way to our sisters and brothers. Whether we are in the

house or outside of it also makes a difference. To our business associ-, ates or friends and our employers we show different sides of our personality'. “But in marriage we must come forth with every side, since we must j he many different things to the other, j W'e must play parts that we never j assumed before and we must learn how to cope with varying moods. One of the distinct benefits that the man would derive from a course of education and pre-marital consultation would be an insight into woman. Dr. AVile believes that to the average man she is still very much of a mystery. “Since man has been the pursuer, woman has realised it is to her advantage to keep him guessing. He rarely ever sees the actuality behind the elaborate feminine defences tl\at hide her from him. With economic and social conditions practically forcing the woman to become a reticent type, it virtually has been harder for the man to make her out. Woman, on the other hand, has a better understanding of man. First of all, he has alAvays done more talking! Then, being the pursuer, the dominant one and the breadwinner, it was up to woman to learn all she could about him. Creating Greater Harmony “There is not a trait that man has that woman hasn’t, but there is a vast difference in the psychological approach. That is why social psychology, tho study of the mental and emotional relations of human beings to each other, should be a part of our course of education. It can do much to create greater harmony between men and women and to help them achieve success in their marriage relationships.” In his book, “Man-iage in the Modern Manner,” Dr. Wile gives practical help and guidance for married folk, based on his years of experience in solving marital difficulties. The fact that he shows that marriage can be saved with a little understanding strongly indicates that happiness in mai-riage is no idle dream. When this was mentioned to the psychiatrist, he said:— “Barring unusual circumstances, every marriage can he a happy one, providing that the contracting parties know something of its technique and do not expect the impossible from title union. The fundamental reason why so many of our marriages fail is because our ideals of matrimony are entirely too high If romantic love dies, as it must; if there are differences of opinion or if difficulties arise, as they are bound to, then it is thought that the marriage is a mistake. “No unmarried person goes through life with the idea that he is going to he completely and wholly happy, or that he will always be able to see everything through a glow of bliss. Why should the married jxerson expect it? Life is like a seat, sometimes peaceful and smooth and other times rough and stormy. We must know that there will be storms in marriage too, and we must be prepared to put up with them. Even between two persons who love each other very dearly difficulties and disagreements are bound to arise. To try to get out of them by a divorce is an open confession of cowardice. Marriage is a challenge, one that demands the very best and finest part of ourselves, and when we meet this challenge successfully it becomes the most wondex-ful experience and adventure in life. Consult a Third Party “I think that if couples who are unable to get along with each other would first take their troubles to a disinterested third party, preferably their family physician, the number of divorces would slump. For what they frequently need is not a lawyer, but merely a referee. In Russia they have such a person for cases in which only one party wants a divorce. It is his business to listen to the evidence and to tell the husband and wife just what to do and how to act for the year. That these couples, In the majority of cases, are then able to live peaceably togettxer shows that all they required was someone to help them with their problems.”