Many Inventions

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 765, 11 September 1929, Page 8

Many Inventions

Wi l* regard to the claim made b* tiro Cknstchurch rt search worker « thru have discovered c wetr e netic energy, and. with \is aid have tra»V muted base metals into gold. J have b**~ wsted 6>< Sam to mate public views on the subyect. “ 'yOT,” said Sam modestly, my work has ever to my knoir. ledge come under the notice of the Imperial Government, or even the Government of Cochin-China. j. has, however, occasionally come nnde’the observation of the New Zealand Government, especially in the little matter of the transmutation of lead into half-crowns —an ingenious pr*>. cess to the perfection of which I spen; several years of labour. It was (said Sam bitterly) as a result of the interest that the Government took in my researches that I found it necessary to put in several more years of hard labour before they consented to let the thing drop.” Sam then settled his foot more firmly on the brass rail and blew mournfully through his moustache. Inventions, he said, are my forte. I think, dream, eat and drink inventions —Yes, thank you. the same again —lnvention (continued Sami was my maiden name, in fact, everything I tell you is an invention. It was my Great Grandfather who discovered the laws of Perpetual Motion, while spending an extended holiday on the treadmill of a Government institution of the period.

My Grandmother on my Mother's side, first devised the Usuflap, a remarkable little thing with a lever movement and no edges. She would carry' it about with hen at times, waving it playfully’ at people; but it was this very habit that at length proved her undoing. I will not pain you with a full description of the episode. Suffice to say that at length it flew off the handle and struck a high dignitary of the Law who was on the Bench at the time. When she came out. some months afterward, she could find no trace of her device. To the day* of her death she believed that it would be found. “Sam,” she said to me at the end, “Did you find my Usuflap?” I said I had not. This appeared to annoy the old lady and she immediately expired. I think I may say (continued Sam) that my' own list of inventions is no insignificant one. The silent attachment for wireless sets was one of my ideas. It enables you to receive siient night at the local broadcasting station with perfect clarity. Allied with this was my' idea of the silent gramophone—a boon for deaf Scotsmen. Think of the economy in records!

Then I invented the unlightable pipe for non-smokers. I am still working on a vast scheme for providing perfectly blank newspapers for those who can't read. I think it would fiU a long-felt want. 1 It was (continued Sam) shortly after I had devised some undrinkable beer for non-drinkers that I accidentally discovered a new energy’. It "*** hardly' an electro-magnetic energy and one could scarcely call it atomic. It was more of a digestive energy, if you follow me. I call it the “Siamese Snowflake.” and it kicks like 52 per cent, of the Crack of Doom and 4$ per cent, of Friday Night in Waikilomookau. I made it out. of equal parts of aqua fortis, nitro-glycerine, sulphuric acid and boot polish. Add to each dose a spoonful of crude petroleum. a small lump of phosphorus and an olive, and there you are.

With the aid of this new energy and a little silver paper, I succeeded in transmuting some copper coins into silver, and. following up my notion, I took the silver coins round to the Crab and Gumboil and tried to transmute them still further into beer. Unfortunately’ (said Sam after a pause), there must have been a short circuit somewhere. The atmosphere sizzled and crackled and I received several sharp shocks. However, I still see great possibilities in this new energy'. I find it up sets all the laws concerning gravity* perspective, and public nuisances. I would not go so far as to say that it will revolutionise industry, but it would undoubtedly revolutionise any industrialist who tried it. Beyond that, I dare not say r .