A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 744, 17 August 1929, Page 21

A Jest or Two

The Veteran.—-“ Now, there’s what I call a tine servant.” “Yes, he’s been in our family for hours.’’

The Type.—We are told of the good mother who was disturbed over her son, who had been in Italy studying: for three years. “I'm so afraid he’ll get so italicised he won't come home.” Imperial Preference.—Lady Visitor: I suppose you are like all the other sailors—a wife in every port. Patriotic Boatman: Certainly not. madame—only ports within the British Empire. Large Order. —Customer: Do you make life-size enlargements from photographs? Photographer: Y'es, sir; that’s one of our special lines. Customer: Well, do this one forme. It’s a snap I a whale. Trouble Below Deck.—A sailor saved his officer from drowning. “Tomorrow,” said the officer. “I shall thank you in front of the entire crew for saving my life.” “Don’t do that,” said the sailor; “they’ll half kill me.” Grand for the Blacksmiths’ Chorus.—Magistrate: “Are you sure he was intoxicated?” Policeman: “No, sir, not positive, but his wife says he brought home a manhole cover and tried to play it on the gramophone!” Dolce Far Niente.—Applicant: “Well 'ere I am to see abalit that job you advertised.” Boss: “I see. Do you think you can do the •work?” Applicant: “Work? Lor’ lumme, I thought you wanted a foreman!” * * * Cheaper and Better Caterwauling.— First Dad: “I am spending a lot of money for my daughter’s vocal and instrumental music lessons.” Second Ditto: “That’s foolish. A radio is cheaper, and you can get just as terrible stuff over it.” * * * Why Look for Trouble?—Two friends were talking over a projected holiday on the Continent. “I say,” said one, “how do we ask for water in Paris?” “ 'Aves vous’ —■” began the other, t&en broke off. “But shall be want any water in Paris?” * * * Famine Expert. —The office boy entered the sanctum of the small-town newspaper and said: “Say, boss, there’s a tramp outside who says he hasn’t had anything to eat for six days.” “Bring him in,” said the editor. “If we can find out how he does it we can run this paper for another week.”

How Rumour Begins. —A woman had been inoculated preparatory to going abroad. Next day, to get over it, she remained in bed. It happened that an intimate friend arrived, and a small daughter was sent downstairs to explain. “Mummy’s in bed,” she said. “In bed ?” “Yes. She was intoxicated yesterday, and has a bad headache.” No Alternative. —Jackson is always seeking gratuitous advice. Not long ago he met a doctor at a dinner party. “Do you know,” he said, as soon as there was a chance, “I know a man who suffers so desperately from neuralgia that at times he can do nothing but howl with pain; what would you do in that case?” “Well, I suppose,” deliberated the medical man, “I should howl with pain.” * * # Atishoo! —A Scotsman and an American were boasting about their respective countries. The latter stated that in America there lived a woman who was so big that she started her breakfast in the morning and did not finish till midnight. The Scotsman, not to be outdone, said: “Do you call that big? Why, in Scotland we have a woman so big that if she gets her feet damp in January she doesn’t sneeze till July!”

A Shell Shock.—Ship's Cook (to new helper>: Ever been on a ship before? Helper: Sure. I was a gunner in the navy. Cook: Fine! Start right in and shell the peas. Damages Due.—Father (after reading unsatisfactory school report): Every thing bad. from conduct to chemistry What have you got to say? The Bov Why, father. I think you ought to enter an action for libel against the blighters. Differing Doctors.— Chance had mad, two strangers partners in a golf competition. One was Colonel Thunder, red of face, wild of stroke. The other was _ a nieek man. introduced simple as ■^ >r * By well. "Pardon me, doctor,” exclaimed the colonel from the depth* of his first bunker; “before I tackle this confounded lie, would vou mind telling me if you’re a D.D. or an M.D.?”

Ugly Customers.—“l won’t disguise the fact that this job is a tough proposition. The man who gets it will have some ugly customers to deal with.” “Then it will suit me down to the ground. I’ve had lots of experience with ugly customers.” “Where?” “In a beauty shop.” His Card.—A traveller, calling upon a customer, handed him a photograph of his fiancee instead of his business card. “I have the honour to represent this establishment,” he said proudly.

The business man looked at the photograph with interest. “I hope you will soon be made a partner,” he observed.

Dishonest Guest. “There!” exclaimed the wife in disgust, “I knew that friend of yours wasn’t to be trusted. I’ve just counted the towels and one of them is missing.” “Was it a good one?” inquired the husband. “It was the best we had. It was the one with ‘Grand Palace Hotel’ on it." * * =* Earthly Progress. — He had retired from an active business life to devote himself to golf. Unfortunately he had begun too late, and was not much good. But he was game, and one day he observed to his cadcUe, after having played a very bad round: “I’ll mov« heaven and earth to play this game properly.” “Aye, well,” said the caddie, “ye’ve progressed a good bit already. Ye’ve only heaven to tackle now.” * * * Railway Administration. While crossing a railway bridge a small boy was astonished to see two goods trains running on the same line and about to crash head-on. He stood and witnessed the smash. Later some officials, learning that there had been an eye-witness, found the lad and asked: “What were your thoughts at the time of the crash?” “Well,” the boy answered slowly, ‘1 thought it was a rotten way to run a railway.”