A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 720, 20 July 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

In and Out. —“ Was Maude in a bright red frock at the dance?” “Some of her, darling; some of her." * * * Normal if Muzzled. —" Did you sav your fiance stammered?” “Yes, but you only notice it when ha speaks.” Popular Morning Executions. Teacher: “What do they call the instrument the French use for beheading people?” Bobby: “The Gillette, l think.” Pass the Dust-pan. —Wedding Guest: “This is your fourth daughter to get married, isn't it?” Mac Tight: “Ay: and our confetti's gettin* awfu’ gritty.” Taking Time by the Forelock.—"l say, darling, I have tickets for the theatre.” “Splendid. I'll start dressing.” “Yes, do dear. They're for tomorrow.”

The Way to the Pearly Gates.— Jones: “What’s the matter with that physical wreck over there? lias he had the flu?” Smith: “No, but he did everything people told him would keep it off.'’ Heard the Angels Calling. —“ What if your partner did trump your ace? That’s no excuse for killing him.” “It wasn’t only that. Your Honour, we found out afterwards that he reneged when he did it.” How to Torture Your Husband. — New Bride (seeking advice from friend) : “What do you give your husband w r hen the dinner does not suit him ?” Experienced Hand: “His coat and hat.” * * * Can You Beat a Lawyer? —Bursting open the door marked “Private,” the butcher confronted the local lawyer. “If a dog steals a piece of meat from my shop, is the owner liable?” he asked the man behind the desk. “Certainly,” replied the lawyer. “Very your dog took a piece of steak worth half a crown about five minutes ago.”

"Indeedfi’?" he returned smoothly “Then if you will give be another halfcrown that will cover my fee.”

The Modest Scotch—Lady (to new housemaid engaged by letter): “\Vhy didn‘t you ten me when you wrote answering my questions so fully that you were Scotch, IVlary?” Biary: “I didnu. like to be boasting, ma’m.”

The Back Number.——“ There. now." said the suburbanife to his Wife. “you’ve ordered flower seeds that take two years to bloom." “W'ell| that‘s where you’re all wrong," she said. “This is last year‘s catalogue."

True Heroism.——The new play was a failure. After the first act many left the theatre; at the end of the second most of the” others started out. A cynical criticyas he arose from his seat, raised a. restraining hand. “Wait!” he loudly commanded, “Women and children first."

He Went West—“l shall dict," throb—bed the suitor, “uniess you consent to marry me.” “I‘m sorry,” said the maiden, kindly but firmly, "but I will not marry you." So the fellow Went out \Vest, and after 62 years. three months, and a. day, became suddenly in and died.

The Spartan.—-—The doctor had just finished examining his patient’s ankle. “VVhy, it's broken, sir” he declared. "How long have you been going about like this " _

“Two weeks." was the reply. "Two weeks! I can’t believe il. Why didn’t you come to me before?" The patient smiled sadly. “Well, doctor," he said, “every time I. say there is anything wrong with me my wife declares I‘ll have to give up smoking.” .

And That’s Flat—The prOSpective tenant had inspected all the rooms, the coal-cellar, and the other conveniences of the flat, and had expressed himself satisfied. “Have you any children '3” "I have.” “Then you can't have the flat." “But you don’t understand. )Iy youngest child is 30 years old, married, and lives in Australia, and the other two are in America.” “That makes no difference," said the potter. “1 have orders not to let this flat to anyone with childreni”

As Goes the Loltery.—Rigumy !- Inn-in; our \«lfr too many. Monu-gL-my, 1n (‘Cx‘tain in>t;nncc>. is the sum‘. thing, A‘- ‘3 =2: Snappy Sales Talk—rhun-h Iwn> never >kid intu u ditvh. :=um_\h .lg:kll‘>l u telephone pulx‘, or gm. tugged fox spccdiug. _\ e ~ Out of the Bag.—lh‘;an: “Anni “hwy-.-lun'n )uu l-mn {or tiw lust ~.” Snnlc: “Slup mv if yuu'vc heard Ih's UH“: ' "I Spyl"-—.\':nil‘n: "I'm \‘t‘l‘lhlllly 51:: prisx‘d m find you in this night clul-f‘ JUI‘H‘SI "I'\o bl‘r‘ll hm‘c :\ll ovenivn. How is it you didn‘t notice me kn» fore?” Smith: "This i< 12m first time- l'x-r loukml undm' lln‘ tuhk‘." No Reason.—->’lxc kiss-“l her husbuml vrry sweetly and didn't. ask him for u. nmv hut. or u nx‘w nun. 9r 3 new dros>: in fun. sh? kissed him for nu reason at all. And he. poor fella“. sank to xlm (luor. mnrmuring. “Th,thrill than cmnvs Inn once in :1 \\'lf\'time." t a t Going One Better.——“l ulnays maln‘ :1 point of tolling Iny Wife rvm’ythin: that lmppcnS.” said {he young hus—band. proudly. "l‘ouhz that's nothing." rotor-ted the nlarrie‘d man of some _vrnrs‘ slandlns. "I tell mine 10‘s of things that nevcr happen." ‘ t . ‘ Tight Grim—A coloured woman want into :1 shop to buy a collar {or her husband. “\Vhat size?" asked tlm elm-k. “Ah done forgot do sizc‘," replied the woman. “but Ah kin jes. manage in reach aroun‘ his throat wit mah bm’ hands.“ I C O TF‘E Spirit of the Promise.—— "The last time I gave you money," said the om lady. "you promised you wouldn‘t walk straight into the public—house and spend it." “That‘s right. lady." said the tramp. “\Vell. as soon as you got the money you did.” “Lady, don't you l<nowt~tll~r diff?!» ence between]. a, walk anti a sprint?” Jilted Go-Getter.—She: “Here 5.: your ring—l find we are not suited to each other." He: “Tell me the truth—you love another?" “Yes." “Tell me his name—4 insisll" “You want to harm him?” “No. I want to sell him this ring."

Lead Her- to Him!—-—-“Darling," he murmured, “do marry me. I’m not rich or handsome like Pcycy Brown. And I haven't a. big car and a. mansion and a, well-stocked cellar like Percy. But 1 love you better than life itself." “And I love you too, dear. ~Er. who is this Percy Brown?" 0 o s Meaning What?——.\linisters' wives, as everybody knows, have a. dimcult lot in life, and a particular lady's lot so roused the sympathy of a. friend Ulat she remarked, “There ought. to be a. special place in heaven for min~ isters’ wives." “Perhaps you're-right," responded the minister's wife. “but I should rather go with Iny husband."

The~Wrongs of Woman.—She was lecturing on the wrongs of poor downtrodden wox‘uan. Finally she put this question:— “Is there in this hall a single man who has never spoken an unkind word to his wife?” At once an old man jumps-d up. "Yes. I'm that single man." he sail “and I mean to rfimain so."