A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 708, 6 July 1929, Page 3

A Jest or Two

Explained: Jiggs: Why do they call those Indians “braves”? Jeggs: Haven’t you ever seen their squaws ? Is It? —Teacher: Can any boy tell mo what a tannery is? Boy: Yes, teacher. It's a place where they make sixpences. * Some Hope —Guide: Over there, you see a skyscraper. Sweet Young Thing: How topping! I’d like to see it at work! Peace in Sight —“ls your daughter improving in her music?’’ "No. But the next best thing is happening. She’s getting tired or'it!" Kept Her H ead. —“You say your mis- j tress is out! But lam almost certain 1 1 saw her head at the window." “Impossible! She took her lewd with j her.” A Slip —The teacher’s tl far away, but when he heard the bov 1 read: “Hero is a warm dough-nut: tread on it.” he thought there was some mistake, and, glancing at the book, he saw: “Here is a worm; do not tread on it." Cured. —lnquirer (to Nerve* Special- I ist): And is your treatment completely successful? Nerve Specialist: Quite. So much 1 so that only last week one of my ; patients tried to borrow fifty pounds from me!” The Retort.— A tinker on the road | one day was met by a. scs*geant. who: said to him: “Tell me, Mickey, did you ever hear tell of a tinker * going to heaven?” “I did,” said Mickey, “and they tried the whole of heaven for a policeman to put him out, and could not find one." An “Out” Size. —A youth with a very largo mouth walked into a. music shop to purchase a mouth organ. He was shown every make of mouth organ in the shop, but still was not satisfied. “Look here,” said the assistant, “we shall have to measure you for one. Just try your mouth along this piano.”

Remaining. —An irate landlord wrote to one of his tenants asking whether lie would “quit or pay”; he would have him reply without ambiguity. The tenant replied : “Dear Sir,- —I remain, yours faithfully, ” Trouble Saver. —Jiggs: Thanks to a labour-saving device, I have far less trouble finding my collar-studs now. I always find them in one certain place. Miggs: Go on! Where is that? “In the vacuum cleaner.” * * * An Exception. —Fond mother: What are you crying for, Bertha? Bertha: We are playing at weddings, and Tommy threw rice all over me! “Oh, you mustn’t cry for that: it’s to bring good luck to the bride!” “But what Tommy used was pudding!” WE WONDER Breathes there a man with soul so dead Who never to himself hath said, As he stubbed his toe against the bed: *x?!*?x!*x?x!*?x!* Deduction. —“l feel sad —I have just had my handwriting read.” “What did the expert say?” “That from the way in which I made the ‘h’ at the beginning of the word ‘elegant’ he knew I had never been to school.” Not Yet. —Tommy had been playing truant from school, and had spent a long, beautiful day fishing. On his way back he met one of his young cronies, who accosted him with the usual question, “Catch anything?” Fully conscious of his guilt, Tommy quickly responded, “No, ain’t been home yet.”

Proof —Maisie: How do you know { Chaucer dictated to a stenographer? Jack: Look at the spelling! ♦ * * The Size of the Siigh.——Customer: "How do you know when a woman's I shoe is too small?*’ Shopman: '‘By tho sighs.” Explicit—From an American newsI paper: “If Jones, who deserted his wife and babe twenty years ago, will return, the said babe will knock bis head off. If ho does not return, wife ! will re-marry.” The Lucky One.—Two men who had ; been married about the same time nu t if ter some months. One asked the ! other how he liked married life, j “Fine,” was the reply. “My wife is a perfect angel.” Said the other: You always did get | all tho luck. I’ve still got mine.

Why?—“How do you like your new P'rench music teacher, Helen?’’ “He's a very polite man. When 1 made a mistake yesterday he said: ‘Pray, mademoiselle, why do you tak< a ucli pains to improve on Beethoven'." "

In Good Order. —“ After the doctor examined me, Jim,” she said, “he looked at my tongue and told me I needed a stimulant.” “You don’t say so, darling.” said hubby. “Surely he didn’t mean for your tongue.” * * * Put His Foot In It. —She: He bored me awfully, but I don’t think I showed it. Every time I yawned I hid it with my hand. He (trying to be gallant): Really, I don’t see how so small a hand could hide—er, that is—er, isn’t it lovely weather? * * * How, Indeed? —“This is a Diplodoeus, one of these primeval monsters which existed on the earth millions of years before the appearance of man.” “Diplodocus? Well, if it existed s<. long before the appearance of m“u. how* do you know that that is .1right name?” Wrong Address. —Employer: I can’t permit such long-winded ’phone conversations with friends during office hours. Secretary: But this was a—er—business call. “Well, don’t address any of our clients as ‘Old Bean.’ ” * * * Prescribing —Little Snooks had taken a hospital course in chemistry, and having a sore throat decided to prescribe for himself. With great pride he handed Ills maiden effort to the chemist. The chemist read it doubtfully. “Well.” ho said at last, “is it: a very big dog?” The Safety of Solitude. —"l want,” said the house-hunter, “a house in an isolated position—at least five miles from any other house.” “I see,” said the agent, with an understanding smile. “You want to practise the simple life?” “No,” answered the house-hunter, grimly; “I want to practise the cornet!”