TOO MUCH ROMANCE RUINS MARRIAGE

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 702, 29 June 1929, Page 18

TOO MUCH ROMANCE RUINS MARRIAGE

Love Belongs to Youth and What a Man Really Wants from Matrimony is Comfort and Flattery, Declares Joseph Hergesheimer, Famous Novelist, who Adds That Marriage is “An Economic and Social Arrangement.” Fifty per cent, of Married ® Life “Is Just Bound To Be Monotony.”

tJ'HOSE who believe that marriage must be a thing of romance, of love and of glamour, or nothing at. all, listen to the words of Joseph Hergesheimer, the famous novelist. “Too much love and romance ruins marriage. In its finest flower it belongs to youth. The middle-aged and the married should have nothing to do with it. It is an enemy of peace and reasonable, proper relationships. “Marriage is an economic and social arrangement. It is the business of running a house, having babies, taking charge of the cooking, paying bills and having the companionship of one whose interests are yours. Fifty per cent, of it must naturally be a monotonous affair.

“We haven’t the ability to accept ordinary life. We are always after excitement and emotional stimulus. If marriage goes its humdrum way, as it must, we think that there must be something wrong with it. Immediately we set up a frantic search for romance and love.

“There is a certain affection that develops in matrimony that is in every way equal to romantic love. Certainly it is much more comfortable. “While the woman must use some seductiveness if she is to hold her husband, and he in turn must do something more than provide her with a roof over her head if he is to retain her affection, yet the sooner they real- 1 ise that marriage is more an arrangement of reason and less of something In a pink quilt and ribbons, the better off they will be.” All this Mr. Hergesheimer discussed in his sitting room. The writer is short and stocky, with a deep brown complexion, unruly hair and eyes that twinkle mirthfully through shell-rim-med glasses. "Just as we get tired of doing the same old things in life,” he told his interviewer, "so do we become tired of seeing the same faces. Naturally, the wife or the husband is no exception. We can’t like a person every day in our lives, nor can we agree with him nil the time. Human nature being what it is, it is absurd to think that the marriage relationship can be other than commonplace. “When a tired and bored husband goes to m dinner party and finds himself opposite a charming woman, he’ll see in her all sorts of attractive qualities. By the time he reaches his dessert he’ll be thinking that she is a

much more entertaining companion j than his wife. In reality though, she is not a bit more attractive than his own wife, and were he to see her morning after morning, burdened with the cares of marriage, she wouldn't seem any more alluring, either. You know,” smiled the novelist, "I believe we can only love people when we don’t see them around all the time.

“However, men after their youth do not want great love. Most of the time they want comfort. A woman, too, may think that what she wants is a romantic lover for a husband, but the chances are that if she had such a person around for any length of time she’d call him a fool and leave him. Women are realists much more than men, and any romantic inclinations that they have are realistic ones. "Certainly we cannot compare the marriages of today with what they were fifty years ago. There was not so much common life then. The small apartments have brought about an intimacy and a closeness that is detrimental and even fatal to the marital relationship. One must not only have the opportunity for solitude and the expression of individuality, but also be able to retain enough illusion for husband and wife to be attractive to each other. This business of openly beautifying oneself, of walking around with a clay mask or shaving cream on one’s face, or with uncombed hair, is all bad. Living so close together makes the husband and wife calloused and coarsened toward each other, and

before you know it they are getting on each other’s nerves. Romance may be an illusory glamour, but, still and all, a little of it is needed in marriage. The secret of this is some privacy for each of the partners. “The man who does not marry and who thinks that more joy and bliss are to be derived from bachelorhood is a fool. Granted that it means responsibilities, troubles and adjustments, yet the pelasure and the happiness it can give, particularly in later years, more than make up for it. It is only in marriage that one can completely give oneself that all the fine feeling and affection can develop. Spiritual closeness, mental companionship and deep loyalty come only after one has lived with a person for years. Even a passable marriage is better than bachelorhood. “Any marriage can be successful if it is consciously planned and if the partners are not too greatly imbued with romantic ideas as to what it should be like. ’“I think, when you come down to it, that what a man really wants from marriage is comfort. He wants a wife who will attend to his needs and who will manage his house and children properly. If she possesses a sense of humour, he may consider himself fortunate. Such a woman isn’t likely to be suspicious of his every move, and she will not imagine the worst if he looks at another woman. She has the ability to see things and people in their relative values. And yet another thing the man wants,” twinkled the author, “is flattery. No matter how clever a fellow he may be, he will just bask in flattery. If the woman will give him plenty of it, there won’t be a thing she can’t get from him. I know, for I love it myself,” he grinned.*