A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 690, 15 June 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Life Is Like That. —Kyv.strain is caused by the other woman, earache by the wife. Ingenious Innovator.— Fond Mother: "My son has manv original ideas, hasn’t he?” Teacher: : "Yes. especially in spelling.. Quick Ear. —Cleric (buying parrot): "You’re quite sure this bird doesn’t swear?” Shopkeeper: •’Y'es, sir. But no fear, he’ll soon learn.”

Anybody's Guess. —-Your wife’s a blonde,isn’t she? I’m not sure. She’s down at the beauty parlor now. Fabulous Persons. —Snob: I never associate with my inferiors, do you?” Girl: “I don’t know. I never met j any of your inferiors.” * Well-Known Duel.—lntuition is what warns a bride that if she doesn't make a doormat of the groom he will start right in trying to make a hired girl of her.

Sour Notes. —I hear that Nero was torturing Christians again last night. Some one ought to take that fiddle away from him! And Why Not, Lancelot? — Come on up to our house tonight.” “I can’t —I'm going to see ‘Tristan and Isolde’.” “Well, bring ’em along.” Small Station. —" Wireless is wonderful —yesterday I heard ‘Tanhauser’.” “Oh, I don’t bother about those little stations—l only get Paris and London.” His Lost Youth. —That old chap over there seems very mean. Yes. About the only thing he has ever spent is his youth, and he regrets spending that. Information for Tourists. —“We are now,” announced the guide, “passing through a rural hamlet.” “Oh,” exclaimed the sweet young thing, "I thought a hamlet was a little pig.” Airy Trifles. —lrate Father: I can see right through that chorus girl’s intrigue, young man.” Lovesick Son: “I know, dad. but they all dress that way nowa-days.” * * *• Caution.— He: “You haven’t said a word for 20 minutes.” She: “Well, I didn’t have anything to say.” He: “Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?” She: "No.” He: “Well, then, will you be my wife ?” Stocking Censorship. —The short skirt is making changes everywhere. Out in Indiana several churches have decided to place curtains around the i lower part of their choir lofts in a | effort to put over the idea that knee.*should he looked upon chiefly as adjuncts to prayer.—Boston Herald. More of Hosanna and less of Anna’s hose.—New Yorker. New Management.— He was to b< married, and he went to his tailor t< l»o measured for the wedding out lit When the ordeal was over, the tailoi coughed apologetically. “I am sorry Mr. Smith, but I must ask you to pa\ cash for these suits.” “What! I’v< had an account with you for 14 years and I've always settled half-yearly” “ know, sir,” apologised the ta up to now you’ve always had t,-> - hand ling of your own money.”—Pearsons.

Dynamite: .Handle with Care.— Do you give people advice when they ask j you for it? Not unless I am dead certain they j won’t take it. Knew Her Neighbours-— Neighbour: i “Is your mother at home?” Alice (aged seven): "No. ma’am: shall l tell her you came over to borrow j something?” Not So Extravagant. —ll- Don't tell me you got three new dresses at slu-: “Oh no. 1 just got one yesrterj day and two this morning.” Time to Wear Crape. —Boston Traffic Cop: “Say. you. get going—what’s the matter with you?” | Polite Driver: “I'm just tine, thank i you. but 1 ill ink my engine's dead.” Horsemanship.—\At the circus there was a girl who rode beneath the horse, on the horse’s neck, and almost on his ! tail. That’s nothing. 1 did all that the first time I rode a horse. Speech - With but three mintftes to catch a train, the traveller said to the | tramcar conductor: “Can’t you go taster than this?” “Yes.” was tin* reply, but I have to j stay with my car.” He Was No Tank.— Friend: “Well, j did you follow my advice and drink a i stiff whisky after a hot bath?” | Invalid: “1 Mid ray best, old chap, but I couldn’t finish drinking the hot bath.” j Hurry Call.—Meek voice over the ! telephone—“ Doctor, this is Mr. Henpeck. My wife has just dislocated her jaw. If you're out this way next week or the week after, you might drop in : nd see her.” More Substantial Fare.— Moira: ’’lbtold me he could live on my kisses May: “Are you going to let him." Moira: "Not till 1 find out what Hardened Victim.—Attorney - o woman witness after cross-exam-ination): “I hope I haven’t troubled you with all these questions.” Witness: “Not at all: 1 have a small boy of siix at home.”

Hope for Dad.-?— “Well, Joan. you now have a baby brother.” “Oh, Dr. > Scott, l*m so glad. * Daddy was getting kind of girlish with just mother and mo about.” j Price Too Long. —A Scot climbing in » the Alps had fallen into a deep crev - asse. “Bide a wee bittie, Jock —I’ll soon hae ye oot o’ that,” called his companion: “Tm awa’ to yon village ’ for a rope.” Two hours later iie r< - turned. "Ar-re ye still there. Jock?” 3 “Aye,” came the faint response. “It’s nae use, ma mannie—they’re askin’ £ 3 for the rope.”—London Evening Neir?. r_ _ ,

The Bottle Message. —The charge j was one of drunkenness. » e “And what further evidence have ° ! you to offer, constable,” said the magis--1 t rate, “except that you found the n j accused lying complacently in a horse ' trough in the public square?” ~ i “This, your worship,” said the police- .! j man, producing an empty whisky ••j ! bottle. “It was floating beside him, Ll t j and inside it was the message, X_ Wrecked off Bull’s Head. One