A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 684, 8 June 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Dull, But Good.—Passer-by: Hows business, Tony ? Scissors Grinder: Fine —I never saw things so dull in my life. Long Odds. — King Salomon was sal to be the only man who understood women. And he had a thousand chances to one. Ticklish Business.—Dumb: i. there, you're sitting on some jokes 1 clipped out. Bell: 1 thought I felt something funny. Where the Danger Lay.— l hear you rode on the cowcatcher of a locomotive once; I’ll bet you were scared.' "You bet: I did not know what minute I was going to get hit by a motorcar."

He’d Seen the Bill.—“ Madame,” an- ! nounced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious in the reception hall, with a large box beside him, and crushing a paper in his hand." Ah. cried her mistress in ecstacy, then my new hat has come." j * * * Must be Okataina. —An enthusiastic fisherman was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip. "Arc there any trout there?” asked one friend. "Tons!” "Will they bite easily?” "Will they? Why, they’re absolutely vicious. A man has to hide behind a tree to bait a hook.”

Congenial Role. —College Boy: "Do you pet?” The Girl: "Sure—animals.” College Boy: "Go ahead then; 111 be the goat.” On the Right Track.— Agitated Wife: I’m positive that was a human being we ran over. Motorist (in thick fog).—Good! Then we’re still on the road all right. Not the Sincerest Form. —The Girl: "What is your opinion of those girls who imitate men?” The Man: "They’re idiots!” "The imitation is perfect, then.”

Ignorance.—Father: "Why were you kept in at school?” * Son: "I didn’t know where the Azores were.” Father: “In future just remember where you put things.” Romance.—Wife (on honeymoon) : Do you remember our first meeting? Hubby (a dentist): Shall I ever forget it? —that heavenly afternoon when we were together for two hours and I extracted three of your darling little teeth.

Eight-Day Week Wanted.—Flirting should be done only on certain days of the week. Personally, we prefer Wednesdav, Saturday. Thursday. Monday. Friday. Sunday and Tuesday. Obliging. He: "You arc the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen! I long to hold you in nty arms, to caress you. to kiss your eyes, your hair, your lips —to whisper in your ear. T love you!’ ” She: "Well. I guess it can be arranged.”

Clear Proof.—" How do you know thi* lady is ugly when you have never seen her?” "She belongs to the Anti-Kissing League.”

Had the Same Chance.—Wife: That’s the kind of husband to have! Did you hear Mr. Dike tell his wife to go and look at some £2O hats?” Husband: "My dear, have I ever deprived you of the looking at £2O hats?” A Little Pest.—Lorry Driver (telling of crash with a small car): I see the little devil cornin’, and I thinks: "There’s a fly on me windscreen.” Then the thing dashes through the radiator and knocks the tops off all me spark plugs. Mum’s the Word.—Mrs. Murphy had suffered from toothache for some time. She at last decided to visit the dentist. After the extraction of six teeth the dentist impressed on Mrs. Murphy to keep her mouth shut. "Sure,” replied Mrs. Murphy, "An’ t won’t say a word to anyone about it.”

Courageous Fellow.—Friend: “Where are you going so hurriedly?” Tailor: "To the dentist.” Friend: "And yet you are smiling?” Tailor: "Yes, I am to measure him for a suit." A Good Bargain.—Little Walter v as the proud owner of a black mongrel, which was a perfect nuisance to the rest of the household. But Walter was so devoted to the dog that he could not be persuaded to have him killed or sent to another home. At last, when the dog’s antics became quite unbearable, Walter’s father made him an offer. "My boy,” he said. “I’ll give you 30s if you'll get rid of that dog.” The following morning, to his surprise and joy. Walter came to him and told him that the mongrel had gone. “That’s excellent news.” said his father. "Here’s the 10s. How did you get rid of him?” Little Walter smiled as he pocketed the money. "I swopped him with Reggie Jones for two black pups," he said.

Young Lady: “Your novel has a charming ending.” “What do you think of the openchapters ?” “I have not got to them yet.” —"Lustige Kolner Zeitung,” Cologne-

Daughter of Lighthouse Keeper: "Why have you come to see me with that haversack?” “It is not a haversack. It is a parachute. I am going to ask your father for your hand.” —"Journal Amusant” Paris.