A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 660, 11 May 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Came the Dawn.—He: I've never seen such dreamy eyes. She: You've never stayed so late before. Popular Mathematics.— Are yv.i interested in Einstein’s theory about space?” “If it’s anything: to do with parkins space, let's hear it.” * * V Suburban Chivalry.—' Jimpson very attentive to his wife, it appears.’’ “Yes ; he always oils up the lawnmowor for lier before he soes to the office.”

Men’s Bights.—“ Should a husband keep anything from his wife?” asks a writer. Enough for lunch and car fare, we should say. Staying Power.—She: I hear that your old aunt has a will of her own. He (tired of waiting): I know she has. I only wish she’d give us a chance to probate it.

The Size of Iceland. —“Willie, come here!” called the geography teacher. “What do you mean by writing this? ‘lceland is about as large as teacher. “That’s what you said, teacher.” And then teacher recalled that slic had explained that Iceland was about the same size as Siam! * * * M | Confess.” —Not so long ago it >sas that I lived, pure, white and immaculate, with my nine sisters. And then one day came. The old, old story—he drew me from them, took me out into a world about which I knew nothing, and I, to use an expression, got lit. That was his purpose—l see it now. And even now I can feel the touch of his lips. Under his peculiar drawing power, how the passionate fire consumed my fragile self! And then the inevitable end that comes to all cast in the same mould as I—he used me until he was through with me, and then drew me away, the shadow of my former self, bu: still burning with that consuming flame. But what could I expect—that’s the way of a man with a cigarette.” Exposed at Last.—“l am satisfied on one thing at last; I found where my husband spends his evenings,” re- ; marked Mrs. Gadabout. “You don’t say so, dear; how did you find out?” questioned the excited Mrs. Gossip. “I stayed at home one evening last week, and found him there,” answered the satisfied lady. * * * Shock Absorbers.—A spinster was shocked at the language used by two men repairing telegraph wires close to her house. She wrote to the department on the matter, and the foreman was asked to report. This he did in the following way: “Me and Bill were on this job. I was up the telegraph pole, and accidentally let the hot lead fall on Bill’s neck. Then he said, ‘You really must be more careful, Harry.’ ” Athletic Jane.—Evidently after we had spent a bewildering evening watching a girls’ basket-ball game, we were still unable to discover the object of the contest. Following the play of one particular bright star, we made note of her activities during the course of the game: 1. Fixed her hair 32 times. 2. Attempted to stuff middy into bloomers 397 times. 3. Pulled up stockings 131 times. 4. Jumped up and down, waved her arms and screamed at short intervals. * * * Start of a Good Habit.—A man was told by his doctor that if he laughed fifteen minutes every day before meals his condition would improve. One day in a restaurant while having his laugh, a man at the opposite table walked over and asked angrily, “What are you laughing at?” “Why, I’m laughing for my liver,” he replied. “Well then,” said the other, “I guess I’d better start laughing also. I ordered mine half an hour ago.”

Summons and Complaint.—Oldfashioned Youth: Eunice, unworthy as l am, 1 have resolved to sue for you • hand. Business Man’s Daughter: All right—go ahead and sue. Deferred Payment Plan. —Voice from under hood: No. I’ve never paid a cent for repairs on this car. Voice from scat: Y*es. that’s what the man who repaired it for you told me. Hole in One. —“ Have you heard that our friend Meyer has become rich at .. single stroke"” "No: how did it come about?” “His wealthy uncle had the stroke.” • • • Beautiful Friendship.—lilink>: I can’t understand why your wife is SO chummy with that awful Mrs Riley. Jinks: It’s easily explained—they both dearly hate the same woman. « * * Awful Crash. —Mistress: Dili I heat* you break something in the kitchen just now. Servant twith some emotion): Yes’m—my (.sniff) engagement with the milkman. • • Had to Skip the Uninteresting Part. . —Father: I’m surprised that you should become infatuated with that girl. why. you should have been able to read her like a book. Bon: Well, you sec, dad, the light was rather low. * • • Tlio two stones most commonly associated with matrimony arc the diamond and tlio grindstone.—Cedar Falls ".Record.” According to a sports journal, chessplayers seldom die young. They would, never finish a tournament if they did. —“Punch.” Nowadays when you see a woman sewing on tiny clothes, she may bo making something for grandma.— Council Bluffs “Nonpareil.” Often the husband of the poor breadbaking bride cannot make the rolls her lather used to make either.— Council Bluffs “Nonpareil.”

Now they say someone has been trying to corner all the asbestos. Well, there is nothing like being prepared.— “American Lumberman” (Chicago). France is the only big nation without a national sport. Gouging the tourists is strictly a business proposition.—Council Bluffs “Nonpareil.” A holy war is reported to be raging in Arabia and parts adjacent. As we understand it, a holy war is .about as holy as a civil war is civil.—New York “Evening Post.” At a new dancing and eating club, wo note, the members are served by waiters in the guise of brigands. We are more accustomed to being served by brigands in the guise of waiters. — “Punch.”

There is a growing demand in America for old British armour. It is useful for black berrying in the country and ordinary city wear in Chicago.— London “Humorist.” An English naturalist has tamed a fierce golden eagle in the Bronx Zoo. Now it's up to some American naturalist to try his hand on a lion over in England.—Springfield “Republican.” A recent Scottish story, in a different vein, is about the London child in Glasgow who thought a bagyiper was strangling a dog.—“ Detroit * ws.’ * Savings banks show a big gain for the year, and perhaps the stockingless fad is a good thing after all.—New York “Evening Post.” » * * Nature doubtless is grand, but it wasn’t a very brilliant scheme to put most of the vitamines in things you don’t like. —“San Francisco Chron-