Tram Philosophy

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 660, 11 May 1929, Page 16

Tram Philosophy

STRIDENT-VOICED VICTORIAN COMMENTS ON FASHION’S FOIBLES A BITTER CRITIC Bitter critic of modern manners, he sat last evening in the corner of a suburban tram. His suiting was not elegant, neither was his gnarled grubby face attractive, but he was determined, above all else, to be heard. In a harsh, reverberating voice he preached to his fellow passengers. “Yer know,” he said, ‘T was talkin’ to a lady the other day—6s she was, if one blinkin’ minute, and she had her hair cut short. I just told her she ought to be ashamed of herself. But there weren’t no solitary blush when I ticked her off.” With this introductory sally over, he began a series of general observations on feminine fashion. “What I dislike is their hats,” he said. “Thirty years ago there was plenty of feathers on their heads, but now they ain’t happy unless they’ve got things like buckets on their heads. There ain’t no pigtails now, either,” he mused. “What do they know of Kate Kelly,” he bellowed. "Kate Kelly what rode 92 miles bare-back —they just don’t know nothin’, that’s the trouble.” “Now’s there’s them scientists,” he continued. "Mighty clever jokers the lot of them, but there’s something they can’t do. There's something they can’t do,” he said in a rising voice. “Where’s the scientist who can kid a baby to go to sleep?” he asked triumphantly. “I know how to do it—you just say ‘sleepy-bye,’ but you have to say it a blinkin’ lot of times. I once lost a bowls match in Poverty Bay through showin’ my missus how to do it.” He then stumbled toward the door as the tram stopped, and standing for a moment on the platform he bade good-night all, giving his listeners a final assurance that he knew a lot that they didn’t know.