THE COMPLAINTS OF THE SEASON

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 657, 8 May 1929, Page 8

THE COMPLAINTS OF THE SEASON

By

FDAFD LK;'

LET'S talk about something nice and topical—colds, for instance. The ordinary common or garden cold, as everybody knows, is really only in', flammation, swelling and hypera?mia of the nasal mucose. Nothing in that! As any child will tell you, you may even get increased cell proliferation, frontal headaches and suffusion of the conjunctivte. A mere bagatelle! But mark this —if the catarrhal process beats you for it. and once gets into the naso pharynx, it may produce occlusion of the pharyngeal orifice ot the Eustachian tube, and then where would you be? If it actually gets into the tympanium, acute otitis media and its sequelte may result. If this happens, of course, you may as well throw the corpse out Into the rain. It's no good after that. Besides. you won’t be able to tell the coroner what was wrong—at. least, not without straining your jaw all out of shape, and probably ruining your upper and lower denture, so what’s the use? The fact is that Sam has a cold and, ’ having spent the day reading the Dictionary and trying to repent, his moustache Is now- hanging at, its most pessimistic or six o'clock attitude. He says he wants to ring up the moratorium to book a slab.

Sam says that there is a. beautiful passage in the Dictionary about colds which reads like this: “Colds (med.) A disordered condition, generally of the respiratory- tract, produced by exposure. Chilled or depressed—c. shoulder marked unsympathetic treatment.” Sam says he’s got all that and a lot more that he's just thought of. Sam says that if “a disordered condition” is the same as a disorderly condition, then he must have had more colds during his time than hethought. He hopes that these fewsad w-ords will reach the eyes of some magistrates and that it may turn their hearts to kindness and that they may be sorry for what they’ve done.

Sam says that he forgives them freely. (He must be worse than I thought. Perhaps something has happened to the pharyngeal orifice of his Eustachian tube.) Sam says that someone told him once that scientists are still doubtful about the real nature of a cold. If any scientist liked to call, Sam says that he would not only tell them a few things about a cold's real nature that would surprise them, but he’d give them one each for their very own. Sam says “what could be dicer thad thad?” P.S.—Regret to state that Sam's Eustachian tube appears to be O.K. after all. He has now dropped the Dictionary and, sitting in the bath, is deep in the women’s page of The Sun, singing “Suddy Boy” the while.