A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 654, 4 May 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Lucky Dog. —“ What's that dog worth?” “About 350 dollars.” | “Who left it to him?” Give ’Em a Chance. —George: "Do you believe in clubs for women?” Earl: “Yes, if kindness fails.” Orthodox Believer. —Social worker: “Do you believe in the transmigration of souls?” Fisherman: “No. sir. I likes ’em fried in the ordinary way.” K nows Her Fags. —“So on your birthday your wife gave you a smoker's set. I didn’t know you smoked.” “I don’t, but she does.” Going the Pace. —She: “Where is your chivalry?” He “I turned it in for a Buiek.”

Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship. —“When 1 was your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile walk.” ‘‘Well, I don’t think much of it, either.” Weighty Problem. —Wife: “Is that you, Rudolph?” Reveller Rudolph: “I’ll tell you, my’ dear, shoon ash I’ve looked in the jolly ole mirror.” Second Aisle to the Left.—Floorwalker (at 1 a.m., to burglar in his home): “Silverware? Xes, sir. Step this way.” When Mary Steps on It. —A long-leg-ged sheep in the Himalayas is able to run forty miles an hour. That’s the kind of little lamb to follow Mary nowadays. Easy Target. —“Do you know Lord Heathmoor? I’ve often shot at his country seat.” “And did you ever hit it?” Cures that Tired Feeling. —Members of a tribe in the Kalhari desert are said to bury their sick people alive, and we’ll bet that is one place where people don’t go around all the time complaining about being sick. Blindfold Test. —Cora: “Does that rich young man of yours write convincing letters?” Dora: “I can’t say. The case hasn’t gone to the jury yet.” * * Afraid of Mrs. Grundy. —“Oh, gosh!” the girl exclaimed. "It’s started to rain. You’ll have to take me home.” “Why, I’d—l’d love to,” her bashful escort stammered, “but you know I live at the Y.” Continuous Performance. —A couple of rival but friendly shopkeepers were talking things over. “When does your opening sale close?” asked the first. “When our closing sale opens,” the second replied. Hollywood Arithmetic. —“l intend to marry a rich man or none,” an American film actress is reported to have stated recently'. Most of them decide to marry a rich man or two. Alarming Surplus. —She: “Why so thoughtful, dear?” He “I have one dollar over this week and can’t remember which instalment I forgot to pay.” *s * * Cutting Out the Waste. —ln our relentless quest for information we learned that xylothrihydroxgluthartic acid is made from peanut shells. So a use may be found for old safety-razor blades, after all. * * « Stumbling Blocks. —“Do you know, only two things prevent your becoming a great dancer?” “Indeed? What are they?” “Your feet.” * * * Respected Infant. —“ Dear miss,” wrote a particular mother to the teacher, “don’t whip our Tommy. He isn’t used to it. We never hit him at home self-defence.” Making it Unanimous. Mabel: “Aren’t you crazy for summer?” Gert: “Yes, I can hardly wait for the time to come when I can be as warm from my knees down as I am from my knees up.” Science of Left-Overs. —“What are you studying, John?” Asked Aunt Maria. “Economics.” “I don’t see no use in studying that stuff. If it’s forced on you, you gotta practise it.” * * * C.C.D. —“There’s a man at the door with a parcel for you, ma’am.” “What is it, Bridget?” “It must be fish, ma’am; it's marked C.0.D.” “Then tell him to take it back; I ordered haddock.”

Ducking the Jawbreakers. —“ How is Viola Vacuum getting along in the ; talking-pictures?” “Oh. all right. I guess. She has a double for four-syllable words.” Name. Please! — I have somebody’s lawn mower.” “Whose?” “That’s what I want to know. I*d like to return it and borrow a shovel.” Playing the Brother. —“ When you told Jack you'd be a sister to him, what did he say ?” He had the nerve to ask to borrow my car so that he could take another girl for a ride.” Knows the Worst. —“ Dearest, I must marry* you.” “But have you seen tny father?” • Yes. many times, but I love you just the* same.” Calling Her Bluff. —Mabel: Why so sad, honey?” Leora: “That big sap that I was going to sue for breach of promis. wants to marry me now!” Time to Calcimine. —A minister, in addressing his flock, begin: “As 1 gaze about. I see before- me a great many bright and shining faces.” Just then eighty-seven powder-puffs came out. Airing the Party. —Hostess: There’s a terrible draft coming from somewhere, Mary. Maid: Yes, ma’am. It’s the man with the laundry bill, and he won t take his foot out of the front door. « • • All In Good Time. —Professor of Music to Street Musician: “Go away! Go away! It's horrible.” Wait: “I'm sorry, guvnor, you see I only learnt the cornet last night—perhaps I haven't quite got the hang of it A Remedy.—Doctor: “Your wife needs outdoor exercise.” Husband: “But she won't go out. What am I to do?” Doctor: “Give her plenty of money for shopping." Fashion Notes. —Post Office Girl (to her assembled friends): “The evening cloak was a redingote design in gorgeous lame brocade with fox fur and wide pagoda sleeves.” Patient Customer (.having failed, so far, to attract attention): “I wonder if you could provide me with a neat brown stamp with a. dinky perforated hem, the toute ensemble delicately treated on the reverse with gumarabic. Something about lid.”

Polite Bridge.—They were having a rubber of “domestic” bridge after dinner. Among the players were the host’s grandmother and a French gentleman. After a few moments it became clear that the old lady had revoked. but. in order to avoid a scene, her grandson assumed the blame and apologised profusely. A short time later the aged player again offended, whereupon the foreign guest bowed gallantly and said, “Madame, will you have zis one wiz me?”

After the Cyclone. —Xight club manager: “Where’s our bouncer to-night?” Hostess: “He tried to talk back to his wife, and they’re still working on him.’* * * * Financial Primer. Five-year-old Mary was teaching three-yea r-old Add - rey the value of different ccins: “That’s a dime; it will buy lots of candy. That’s a nickel; it will buy an ice-cream cone. That’s a penny; it’s only good for Sunday school!”

MORE SOCIAL TIPS

When a young woman is to a bachelor who says, “I’m veiw happy to meet you,” she should saj.' with a smile, “Lucky is the word, old thing!” Should a young lady while out skating approach a gentleman who has come a cropper on the ice, she should say, “How do you do, Mr. Jones? Oh. don’t get up.” Frequently when one is introduced to a well-known person, one remarks, “I’ve heard a lot about you,’’ the wellknown person should reply lightly. “Well, you cant prove anything.”— “Boston Transcript.”