.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 625, 30 March 1929, Page 23

.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Like Angels* Robes. —Boy (reading aloud): “ ‘John appeared in immaculate evening drees.’ What does ‘immaculate* mean?” Elder Sister: “No gravy stains on it.” Dried at the Source. —District Visitor: “What are the morals of this village like?” Resident: “Excellent? So good, in fact, that several of our sewing-par-ties have failed for want of scAndal.” In Bad Odour. —Kind Old Gentleman: “What do you call those two kittens. Johnny?” Small Boy: “I call ’em Tom and Harry." K.0.G.: "Why don't you name them Cook and Peary after the great explorers?” 5.8.; “But, mister, these ain’t pole cats *’ Difference Of A-Pinion. — Two men had to put up at a. roadside inn for a night, and were told they would have to share a bed. But you will be verv comfortable,” said the landlord. “The mattress is a feather one.” Early next morning one of the men woke the other. "Change, please,” he said, “it’s my turn to lie on the feather.” Scaling Down the Overhead. —It used to be said that whenever a Scotsman got to London he never went back home—except to fetch his brother. That notion is out of date, according »o Lord Dewar, who remarked recently, “There are not nearly so many Scotsmen travelling down to London as there used to bo. They born in London nowadays to save* the fare.” * « * Lost Alibi.—lt was midnight. In the smoking-room of a club a young man sat huddled in a chair. A friend entered. “Hallo. Smith!” he asked, cheerfully. **Not going home yet?” “No,” muttered the despairing one. *'l—l daren’t.” Why, what's the matter?” "Matter? At eight o’clock I telephoned to my wife and gave her a perfectly good excuse for not coming straight home, and—” his voice sank to a whisper—“l’ve forgotten what I said.”

Anglers* Friends: Very few golfers tell the hole truth and nothing but the truth’ Slightly Annoyed. —“l’ve just shot a dog.” “Was he mad?" “Well, he wasn't very pleased.”

Prairie Beau Brummel. Chicago Gunman (to valet): “Which gun shall I wear to the banquet to-night, Hawkins?” High Visibility. —Doctor: “Where shall I vaccinate you?” Modern Girl: “Oh, anywhere; it’s bound to show.” * * * Human Wreck. Young Wife: “Aren’t you the same man I gave some biscuits to last week?” Tramp: “No, mum, and the doctor says I never will J3e again.” Thunderstruck. —She: “Let’s go, dear. I can’t stand that actor. He’s such a conceited fellow.” He: “Conceited! I should think he is Why. every time he hears a clap of thunder at home he runs to the window and bows.”

No Sich Person. —General: “Look here, mv man, why don’t you be careful?” ‘ , „„ Army Clerk: “What is wrong, sir' General: “Why, instead of addressing this letter to the “Intelligence Officer’ you have addressed it to the ’ln. telligent Officer.' You should know there is no such person in the army.” Links That Are Weak.— As a train was leaving a station it suddenly parted in the middle. Of course, the communication-cord broke, and an old lady who was standing on the platform saw it hanging loose. “Goodness me!” she gasped, in astonishment “What has happened? “The train has broken in two. madam,” said a man who stood near ind I should think so!” said the old lady indignantly, eyeing the broken cord. “Did they really imagine that a thing like that could hold a train together?” Slow passenger in an American train addressed the ticket collector while he was examining his IK “Dops this railawy company allow passengers to give advice if they do so in a respectful manner?’ The ticket collector replied in a gruff tone that he gussed so. “Well,” the traveller went on. It occurred to me that it would be better to detach the cow-catcher from the front of the engine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For you see we are not likely to overtake a cow: but what's to prevent a cow strolling after us, getting into the car, and biting a passenger?”

No Escape.—“ She's really a lot older than she looks.” * "Yes and what’s more—she looks it” Latchkey Fiend. Mrs. Meyers: “What is your husband’s average* income?” Mrs. Beyers: “Oh, about 1 a.m.”

Publicity Experts. A California orchard owner suggests a debate on “Did Adam or Newton do the most for the apple?” Pass the Lather.— Teacher: “What do they call the instrument the French uso for beheading people?” Bobby: “The Gillette, I think.” Marooned. —Mrs. Blue: “How do you control your husband while you are away?” Mrs. Black: ‘T leave the baby with him.” * 4 * Not in Wisdens. —ln a recent cricket match a side was dismissed without recording a single run. The hero of the eleven, we understand, was the skipper, who, going in first, played through the innings for a faultless and undefeated duck.

Hear Him Eat.—Two elderly men at a club were discussing the table manners of a new member. “Well, what do you think of him?” asked one. “Very remarkable,” replied the other thoughtfully. “I’ve heard soup gargled and syphoned", but, upon my soul, that’s the first time I’ve ever known it yodelled.” Grass-Green. —A young and timid candidate for the navy was being examined by a board of admirals, and in the course of a test of his general knowledge he was asked this question • “What kind of animals eat grass?” The youth pondered long over the question. ‘.Surely you know the answer to a simple question like that —What kind of animals eat grass?” “Oh. animals, sir: I thought you said admirals.'’ he replied in a tone of relief Magic of Latin.—A farmei who was much troubled by trespassers during the nutting season consulted with a botanical friend. The botanist furnished him with the technical name of the hazel, and the farmer placed the following notice at conspicuous points about his premises: “Trespassers, take warning! All persons entering this wood do so at their own risk, for, although common snakes are not often found, the Corylus Avelana abounds everywhere about here, and never gives warning of its presence." The place was unmolested that year, and the farmer gathered his crop in peace.

Extra Baggage. —Conductor (after stumbling over obstacle in the aisle): “Madam, • you must not leave your valise in the aisle.” Coloured Lady: “Fo‘ de lan’ sakes, dat ain’t no valise; dat’s mah foot.” • Gitting Squar*. Squire Green: “Mandy, after I die, I wish you would malry Deacon Brown.” Mandy: “Why so, Hiram?” Squire: “Well, the deacon trimmed me on a hoss trade once.” * • * * Her Mr. Jong. —A young girl from the country went to a city boardingschool, much against the wishes of her father, who thought she would be spoiled by city ways. Soon she wrote in one of her letters —“I am in love with Mah Jong.” “Well, you see, I was right,” said the father. “I knew no good would come of it. Now she’s going about with a Chinaman.” Welcoming the Missionary. —A seri-ous-looking stranger called upon Mr. Biggs, shook his hand limply and remarked : “I am representing the Association for the Suppression of Profanity. I want to take the evil language clear out of your life.” “Come here, Maria!” yelled Mr. Biggs, “here’s a man wants to buy our oar.” * * * Stiff.—A punter who had had an exceedingly bad day in that he had misjudged the speed of six successive horses, met a friend in the endlosile. “Hello,” said the friend, “you’re looking' a bit fed up. Come and have a drink.” So they adjourned to the bar. “Two whiskies,” said the donor, and then, turning to the unlucky one. he asked. “Will you have water?” “Water!” repeated the other with a shudder, “good heavens, no! Haven’t I got trouble enough as it is?” Distinguished Relation. —A Beverly Hills man we know yearns to fill his house with comforts, while his wife yearns to fill it with antiques. Her pet theory is that in pawnshops one may find many treasured heirlooms. “I suppose this was handed down to you by some great-great-grand-father,” said a visitor, tapping a snuffbox. “No.” replied the brutal husband. “It was second-handed down to us by an ‘uncle.’ ”

FOUND HIS LITTLE BOSS A little I'ove, a little hate, And what was life; A little Hanging on the gate And then a wife.

MISLEADING FIRES Eyes are the index to the mind. Say sages with delight. But truly, I am sure they err— For my girl’s eyes are bright. *