A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 602, 2 March 1929, Page 22

A JEST OR TWO

Evolution.—A New York sculptress excels in carving horses out of cheese. Her horses can be melted into welsh rarebits, later emerging as nightmares.

Pedigreed Performer: In amazement I watched the trained flea do his stunts.

“Did you educate that flea yourself?” I asked the man.

“Yes,” be replied proudly, “I raised him from a pup.” e * a

Budding Einstein. —“Give three reasons for saying the earth is round,”

confronted Sandy in an examination paper. "My teacher says it’s round, the book says it's round, and a man told me it was round.”

A Man of Property.—A man mortgaged his home to buy a motor-car. Then he went round and tried to mortgage the car to get the money to build a garage. "How are you going to buy petrol?” curiously Inquired the man of whom the loan was asked.

"Well,” replied the other slowly. * “If t own a house, a car, and a garage. 1 should think my dealer would be whiling to trust me for petrol.”

Turn on the Screws. —“I just heard an awful story about your husband.” “Tell ir*e; I need a new dress.”

Sticking to His Story.—First Burglar: “Go on, push off. I’m working this floor.” Second Ditto: “Rubbish! This is my story, and I’ll stick to it.” The Ideal Home.—Billy: “That new boy lives in a sweetshop. Isn’t he lucky?” Sammy: “Rather! That’s what you call ‘Home, Sweet Home.’ ” • * i One of Her Jobs.—lt’s the woman who pays and pays, and that in all probability is because she’s the only one home when the instalment collector arrives.

Keeping the (VToths Out.—The oldfashioned girl who usd to make ash receivers out of cigar bands now has a daughter who makes one out of the parlour rug.

TOPICAL TITBITS

It’s just as well that the meek inherit the earth. Nobody else would stand for the inheritance tax. —Washington “Post.”

Too often a fellow decided to take a dip in the stock market just when the stock market decided to dip.—Norfolk Virginian “Pilot.”

Calendar reform has its good points and bad. It would add another payday, but also another rent day.—Dayton “Journal.”

We are still waiting for a big Chinese civil war story which the inspired war correspondent will begin by the words, “All is Confucian here.” —Chicago “Evening Post.”

Inventor has perfected a gas-engine which needs nothing but water for lubrication. We own stock in an oil-well that can keep this engine well greased. —Arkansas “Gazette.”

Captain W. H. Richards arrived at New York with his famous robot, admits that his mechanical man lacks a sense of balance. Human, all too human! —Springfield “Republican.”

Leon Trotsky, who was killed four or five times within the last few months, is now at a health resort in Southern Russia, and we should say it’s about time.—New York “Evening Post.”

Consolation.—Doctor: “I’m very much afraid your husband will never be able to work again.’'

fWife: “I’ll go and tell ’im. It will cheer ’im

Wasted Noise.—“ That young fellow with Maud certainly wears loud clothes.”

“They don’t impress Maud. She turns a deaf ear to his suit.”

Wistful Memory,—Movie Actress — “How did you ever get a reference saying you were a perfect lady’s maid?” Maid—“l worked for a perfect lady, once ”

Queered the Game. —Jim: “Did the honour system work well in your college?” Joe: “Yes—until some darn sneak went and squealed on us.”

Pursuit of Knowledge.—Father (reading Michaelmas report): “Why are you always behind with your studies, Robert?”

Robert (quickly): “S3o that I can pursue them, father.”

Words of Wisdom.—The hall was packed with people who had come to listen to the lecture given by a worldfamous explorer, and the atmosphere was stifling. For some reason it was impossible for any of the windows to be opened, and one had to be brokenIt was feared that the sudden noise would startle the audience, and the mayor stepped forward to explain what was proposed. “We want Wanderer!” shouted the audience, who did not wish to listen to the mayor. “We want Wanderer!” 'At last the misunderstood and infuriated official restored silence by shouting at the top of his lungs: “I’m not going to make a speech, you idiot®—Tv® got something to aay!"

Own Up, Mom!—“Mamma, if you had met Colonel Lindbergh before you met pop, would you have married him instead?” “Why, no dear, of course not.” “My golly, you’re dumb, ma!”

Arithmetic After Dark: Rufus was i proudly sporting a new shirt when a ; friend asked, “How many yards do it ] take to make a shirt like dat one, Rufus?”

“Well, suh,” replied Rufus, “Ah got ! two shirts like this out'n one yard last night.”

Echo Answers Why.—For three hours the lioarse-voiced sergeant had been lecturing his men on the duties of a soldier, and he thought it was time to see how much they had understood of his discourse. Casting a glance over the men, he fixed on Private Green.

“Why should a soldier be ready to die for his country?” he barked. The man scratched his head for a moment and then a smile of enlightenment crossed his face.

sir,” he said, “you’re quit right. Why should he?”