A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 596, 23 February 1929, Page 27

A JEST OR TWO

Better: Less Wind.—The saxophone I is the only instrument that sounds as i well while you are learning to play j it as it does afterward. Turn the Crank.—lnventor (to j capitalist)—' This, sir, is an epochj making machine.” Capitalist—“ls it? Then let me see it make an epoch?” * * * Past Human Help.—Little Lucy—- “ Auntie, why do you put powder on your face?” Aunt —“To make me pretty, dear.” Lucy—“ Then why doesn’t it?” * * * Insuperable Obstacle. “Marie, wouldn’t you like to marry a thrifty man ?” “Yes, I should like to marry one—but I should not like to be engaged to one.”

The Dazzler —Policeman (on point j duty): “Why didn’t you put out your | hand when you turned this corner?” Pretty Little Motorist: “Well, you see, it’s this way. I’ve just been out with Jack, and he gave me the most thrilling diamond ring—isn’t it a beauty?—and I knew only too well that if I put out my hand the head- , lights of the car behind would shine * on the diamond and dazzle the driver, and then absolutely anything might happen, mightn’t it?” Inquisitive. —The theatre magnate

; was engaging: actors for the new proj duction, and interviewed a young player who seemed perfectly satisfacl tory for the part, but asked a salary i that made the magnate’s hair rise. “No, no! You are too inquisitive!” ! snapped the magnate. The aspirant was bewildered. | “How do you mean—inquisitive?” he stammered. | “You ask too much,” the theatre ' man retorted.

Say It With Coos. —He: “There is something dove-like about you.” She: “You flatterer.” He: “Yes, you’re pigeon-toed." * * * Taking a Dare. —Solicitor—“Would you indorse our cigarette for two thousand dollars?’ Celebrity—“ For two thousand dollars I’d smoke the darn things.”

How it Happened —“ Good heavens, man, what is the matter with your face? Were you in an automobile accident?” “No, I was being shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor.”

Lady with a Hunch. —"Was your late ; mistress surprised at your leaving?” ( “Oh, no, mum. She knew’- all about ! it before I did."

Cramped Her Style. —Mrs. Housekeeper—“ Why did you leave your last place?”

Cook—“The poor simps were trying to live within their income.”

Back Number. —A Londoner took an American to see “Hamlet.” “You sure are behind the times here,” remarked the American. “I saw this play in New York four years ago.”

New Cosn.etic Stunt.—Miss Bright: “I use the dumb-bells to get colour in my face.”

Her Uncle: ‘S< girl! That’s a lot better ee to get the dumb-bells ”

“Don’t worry. I shall be back in five minutes!” “The last man who told me that here didn’t come back for Five years!” —Pele Mele, Paris.

Thirty-six of Them. —A young lawyer, pleading his first case, had been retained by a farmer to prosecute a

railway company for killing 24 hogs. He wanted to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury. “Twentyfour hogs, gentlemen. Twenty-four; twice the number there in the jury box.”

Counter-Attraction. There is a small hillside town in Scotland at which Highland games are held every’ year. As the prizes are small the entries are usually confined to local athletes, and the sport is dull to moderate. This year one of the English visitors. ( who attends regularly, said to the ' secretary: “What’s the matter this time, Mac? Neither the entries nor the attendance seem up to the usual standard.” “No, sir,” said the official, dolefully, “it’s most unfortunate we should ha’ clashed wi’ them Olympic Games.”

“When the maid came she wore her dresses to her ankles. A week later they reached her knees. A week later they were above her knees, and then she got a week’s notice.” —Her Gotz, Vienna.

Discounting Bridget. —“So you have engaged our former cook?” “Yes, but don’t worry—we won t believe a tenth of what she says about Sample or Travel Talk? Much merriment was created by a sign in front of one of the Toronto churches in Parkdale which read: Subject of Sunday evening’s sermon, “Do yon know what hell is?” and underneath it in smaller letters. “Come and hour our new organist.” • • • Virtue’s Insufficient Reward —Tie examiner had arrived unexpectedly at the school, and was putting a few questions to the class. “Now,” ho said, “who ran tell me how much is four multiplied by three?” There was silence for some time. “Well?’ said the examiner, to a boy who raised his hand at last. “Please, sir, 12.” “Quite right.” And lor answering you can have these 12 chocolates.”“H’m.”' said the boy to himself. “If I’d known lie was going to do that I'd have said more.”