A JEST OR TWO ..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 572, 26 January 1929, Page 29

A JEST OR TWO ..

The Wife Beater. —First Husband: I’ve no sympathy for a man who beats his wife. Second: A man who beats his wife doesn’t need any sympathy. * * * Tongue-Twistei—Wife: “When you came home last night you said you had been to the Grand with Mr. Jones. Now you say it was the Trocadero! Why did you lie?” Husband: “When I came home I couldn’t say Trocadero!” For Boy and Dog. —-Little Leslie had been despatched to the village grocer's and told to purchase dog's biscuits for the new pet. He returned half an hour later with a large bag of assorted creams and offered his father 8d change out of half-a-crown. “Great guns!” exclaimed l}is parent. -did they charge you .” He broke off. and eyed the assorted creams in astonishment. “You see. daddie,” little Leslie explained briefly, “I thought I might just as well get somethin’ doggie an’ me could both eniov.” Where the Shoe Pinched. —The shoe salesman adjusted the buckle of his customer's shoe and critically surveyed the result “Are you sure these shoes are the size asked for?” asked the lady with the large foot, as she stood up. “They seem to be a little on the light side when ,1 try to walk.” The man smiled discreetly behind his hand. “No. madume.” he replied suavely, as he deftly removed the shoes, which were exactly the size she ordered: “these are two sizes smaller, but T must admit you were right, after all

Hairy Caterpillar? — “l feel a lethargy creeping over me.” “It may be an ant; the grass is full of them.” The Game and the Scandal. —Mrs. Grub: I believe I shall have to give up bridge. Mrs. Large: Really, isn’t the game ! worth the scandal? * St * Tale of a Ticket—“l don’t see why having your car overhauled should be ■j such a depressing experience.” “You don’t, eh? Well, it was overhauled by a motor-cycle cop.” * * * The Condition Precedent. —Vicar: Tell me, children, what must we do before we can expect our sins to be forgiven ? Small Boy (with devastating simj plicity) : Please, sir, we must sin. * * * Swapping Masks. —“ Yep, I had a j beard like yours once, and when I realised how it made me look, I cut it off.” “Well, I had a face like yours once, and when I realised that I couldn’t cut i it off, I grew this beard.” • • * Jazzing the Clock —“ Let me see, Jenkins, wha’ time did T come home las’ night?” | “Three o'clock this morning, sir.” “And—and wha’ time did I get up yesterday morning?” “Eight o’clock last night!” Down to Earth —Husband of Authoress: “Will you be much longer writing that novel ?” 1 Wife: “I am just at the death scene of the hero.” Husband (politely): “Good! And when he’s dead, would you mind sewing on this button for me?”

An Idea! Prohibition. —Things would be a lot nicer if only they’d place a 1 “Post No Bills’’ sign on every letterbox. “Oh, Willie, We Have Missed You.” —“I hear Kxauss and Meyer are looking for a new cashier. Is it true? They engaged a new one only a month ago.” “That’s the one they’re looking for.” * * a Not Her Henry. —Spiritualist: Mrs. Smith, your dead husband commands you to go home. Mrs. Smith: Commands? That is not my husband. * * * Lovelier Lady. it' linotypes must ' make errors, it was appropriate that j one of them, setting a story about a J man seeking a divorce, made it read that the plaintiff asked the court for a change of Venus. One, Two, Three and Out —Dr. Clarke, a well-known -Irish theologian, was an early riser. A young preacher wanted the doctor to tell him how he j managed to do it. “Do you pray about it?” he asked. “No.” said Dr. Clarke, “I get up.” Perfect Substitute —Employer: "L*um again. Smith.” Clerk: “I’m sorry, sir, but last night j mv wife presented me with a boy.” Employer: “She’d have done better j to present you with an alarm clock.'’ j | Clerk: “I rather fancy she has. sir.” * * * j Safety First —One day when Mr. ■ Gaddis was golfing, lie* discovered an j old lady calmly seated on the grass in the middle of the fairway. “Don’t you j know it is dangerous for you to sit there. Madam?” he reminded her. The, old lady smilingly replied. “It’s ;ill 1 ; right: I’m sitting on u newspaper.”

Pass the Chloroform —Young lad.' ; “Exercise and diet! I thought you ! would advise something far more in i teres ting—er—a slight operation } something of that sort.” Pages That Bloom in the Spnr-ti j “You said you want me to give yom I friend literary' work ? Is he an optimi ' ;or a pessimist?” "What difference does that make* “It makes a lot of difference. I want i him to edit a seed catalogue.” * * * Companionate Hurry Call.—An En. ilish bishop received the following not* 'from the vicar of a village in bis dio'cese:— “My Lord. I regret to inform you <*r the death of my wife. Can you po> siblv send me a substitute for the week - , end ?'

End of the Chase. —Mis. Smyth “How is it that you men are so frigh i fully loving while you are courtin and then, after marriage, cool down so quickly?” Mr. Smythe: Well, you see. it’s iik* a man racing after a bus. When h* catches if he gets in and sits down You surely wouldn’t have him keep t n running.” Same Old Alibi —For some reason t. * mother was absent from the dinnci table one evening. The children an*! S their father took their accustomed places with the exception of tlm youngest, Dorothy, aged seven, who seated herself in the mother’s chair With proper poise she announced. "T am the mother now and you kids ! must behave.” The other children entered into the spirit of the assumed situation, until a boy of ten said. “Well. 'Dorothy, if you are the mother, ho\r much is six times nine?” Without i moment’s hesitation and i still retaining her maternal role, she .■replied: “I’m busy: ask your father'