A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 560, 12 January 1929, Page 23

A JEST OR TWO

Not the Mint. —" Can any boy tell me what a tannery is?” "Yes, teacher, it’s a place where they make sixpences.” The Adaptable Fish. —“ What do fish eat?” "What they can find. "And if they can’t find anything: “They eat something else.” Zoological. —Dignified Lady: "„ r^ oea this bus stop at the White Lion. Conductor (helpfully): "Only to set down, mum. But we waits long enough for you to have one at the Blue Boar.” # # Westward Ho— Lady: “But how do you find your way up there in the clouds?” , +l _ Q + Aviator: “With a compass that shows us where the north is. ’ Lady: “But suppose you want to travel west?” # # Wrong Number. —The motorist had an accident with his light car on the Brighton Road. He limped painfully to u telephone-box and ran© up the ne “Heno,” a be S s'aid, "I’ve turned turtle, Can von do anything for me? •fni afraid not,”, came the sweet feminine reply. "You’ve got the wrong number. What you want is the Zoological Gardens.”

TOPICAL TITBITS

Applauding a movie actor been use he can’t come back and give an encore— Yates Centre (Mo.) Times. A. -German scientist converts wood i n to food. Now "board and rooms’’ can be taken literally.—South Bend "Tribune.” # „ v Missouri woman lias willed her estate to her 17 dogs. This isn’t the first to go that way. however—Council Bluffs Nonpareil. # „ -These days,” says a lecturer on cosmetics "beauty is not always skin Seep ” No, and not always knee high. —Norfolk “Virginian-Pilot.” * * V Three trucks of coal caught fire in Yorkshire and burned for four hours. We should like a ton of that coal. “Punch.” m * amateur gardener has succeeded in crossing a cabbage with an onion. This adds another horror to the Chust-mas-gift cigar.—" Punch. m,,eristic art is now being lakqd. i* uturibtic *. «i-,t finp- twke ton “Transcript.

Those “Someone has stolen my car.” Neighbour: “These antique collectors will stop at nothing.” Distance Not Enchanting. —Boy: “When we reach that bend in the road I’m going to kiss you.” Girl: “Isn’t that going a bit too far?” Strictly Private. —Man Theatre (to talkative occupier of seat in front): “Excuse me, but we-can’t hear a word of what’s said.” Talkative One (indignantly): “It’s no business of yours what I’m telling my wife.”

No Dining Car. —“ You mustn’t bring your train into the kitchen, Master Lennie; I’m busy making pastries.” “Oh, but this is where we stop live minutes for refreshments.” Luminous. —“ These luminous paints are wonderful.” “What do you use them for?” “We paint baby’s face with them, and then in the night we can give him his bottle without getting a light.” But Useful. —“ How did you like the sample of my marrow jam I sent you?” “Was that marrow jam? Oh, my dear, I’m so sorry! My husband is using if for sticking stamps in his album!”

The First Step. —“So your son is to be an artist. What are you doing about it?” “I am letting his hair grow, and he must see to the rest himself.” A Child of the Age.-— -Mother (in train): “Tommy, if you are not a good boy I shall smack you.” Tommy: “You slap me, and I’ll tell the guard my real age.” The Immortal Memory.-— “ What was George Washington noted for?” “His memory, sir.” “What makes you think his memory was so great?” “They erected a monument to it.” The Shocking Example. —Tramp: “’Elp me, lady, please! For three years I worked for the cause of temperance.” Lady: “Were you a temperance orator?” Tramp: “No; I was the ’orrible example.” No Objection.— Tne amateur dramatists were rehearsing. Mrs. Greene was required to kiss Mr. Gage, and just as they had arrived at this particular incident Mrs. Gage appeared. “Oh,” exclaimed Mrs. Greene. “I hope, dear, you don’t mind me embracing your husband like this?” “Not at all,” was the icy reply. “I don’t mind in the least—if he doesn’t.”

PASSING SHOTS

Quite a lot of men prefer a woman with a handsome figure in the bank. Given the right spirit, many a son has swallowed in his father’s footsteps. * * * The honeymoon is that part of a girl’s life that comes between the lipstick and the broomstick. There is nothing a woman enjoys more than running up bills; unless it is running down her neighbours. A jazz band has been installed in an American zoo. They want to keep the animals as wild as possible. “Every woman should cling to her youth,” declares a beauty specialist. And so they do, especially at the movies. “Very few women talk in their sleep,” says a doctor. So the scientists in search of perpetual motion must look elsewhere. Scientists have discovered that the Eskimos in the Arctic region were preceded by a race of more intelligence. The fact that they are no longer there shows they had more sense than the Eskimos.