.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 538, 15 December 1928, Page 29

.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Tragic. —Hobbs: “I understand Tom and his wife just had their first quarrel. Was it serious?” Dobbs: “Very. He gave in and thus established a precedent.” Too Much Soap.— Mother: “I wish ■yon would go on an errand for me.” Small Son: “My leg aches awful.” “Too bad. I want you to go to old Mrs. Stiekney’s sweetshop, and— —” “Oh, that isn’t far. I can walk there easy.” “Very well. Go there, and just beside it you. will see ,a grocer’s shop. Go in and get me a bar of soap."

In-dole-ence. — Wife: “You are nothing but a lazy ne’er-do-well.” Husband: “Ho am I? I like that! And who earns the unemployment pay for you, I’d like to know?” A Baby Bobby. —Little Boy: Was that policeman ever a little baby? Mother —Why, of course. “Oh, mummy, I should love to see a baby policeman! ” Good-looking. —“Somebody* said I was good-looking.” “When ?” “To-day.” “No. I mean when were you goodlooking?” The Swallower. —Unable Seaman: “When I came round again the surgeon ’e says to me, ‘l’m blooming sorry, mate, I don’t know what I was thinking about,’ he says, ‘but there’s a sponge missin,’ and I believe it’s inside yer.’ ‘What’s the odds?’ I says: ‘Let it be,.’ And “There it is to this day. Gullible Old Gentleman: “Bless ray soul!” Unable Seaman: *T don’t feel no particular pain from it, but I do get most uncommonly thirsty.” Comedy Wins. —One night at a theatre some scenery caught tire, and the smell of burning alarmed the spectators. A panic seemed to be imminent, when a comedian appeared on the - stage. “Ladies and gentlemen.” he said, ‘ compose yourselves. There is no danger.” The audience did not seem rej assured. “Ladies and gentlemen,” continued the comedian, rising to the occasion, | “confound it all, do you think if there j was any danger I’d be here?” j The panic subsided.

Patience Rewarded. —A Scottish professional golfer, after 14 years of re- : tirement, has resumed the game. Evi- i dently he found his ball. * * * The Hidden Music. —“ What has baby j done with his mouth-organ? Can he j have swallowed it?” ! “Blow into his mouth and see if it j plays inside him, mamma.” Laughter in Court. —“Sir,” said the judge to the young man—defendant in a breach of promise suit —“you will please discontinue your joking remarks during the remainder of this "trial- You may court in jest, bujt you cannot jest in court.” His Father’s Voice.— A schoolmaster was rung up on the telephone and informed in a hoarse voice that — “Johnnie Smith cannot come to school to-day as he has a very bad cold.” “Oh, yes,” replied the master; “who is that speaking?” Prompt and hoarse came the answer, “My father, sir.” - Vin Decollete. —The wealthy baronet had not always been wealthy, neither had he always been a baronet, and, for that reason, he was prone to keep rather a sharp eye on his money. He had noticed for some time that when the bottles of wine were brought in they were not quite so full as they ought to have been. and. accordingly , he requested his butler to do all the opening in his presence. v> "I notice,” he said, sternly, “that when you draw the corks in the pantry the wine is extremely decollete.” The butler looked surprised and asked. “Extremely decollete, sir?” “Yes,” replied the baronet, more sternly still —“rather low in the neck.”

I The Alternative. —“ Doesn’t Joe ever ! get tired of his wife’s continued sulkiI ness?” j “I think not. He says when she’s { good-natured she sings.” * * * Impressive Evidence.—A monumen- ; tai mason was in the witness box de- ■ scribing how he had been assaulted. “He walked me right into my yard ; and slammed me up against one of my i own tombstones,” said he. j “Did he hurt you?” ; “Hurt me! Why, I’ve got 'To the l 1 memory of’ stamped across my back.” '