..A JEST OR TWO..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 514, 17 November 1928, Page 21

..A JEST OR TWO..

The City’s Paviour.—“Notice how the new Mayor is improving the streets?” “Yes —paving the way for reelection.” • * * Imaginary.—Bachelor: “ Sometimes l yearn -Tor the peace and comfort of married life ” Married Friehd: “I always do.” * * * Labour Saving.—“So Brown married an heiress!” “Yes, he always was a great booster for labour-saving devices.” The Sign.—“The’ve been married more than a year.” “How do you know?” “He’s stopped acting as if he owned her ” • • * Weather or No.—Poetical Suitor: “Thou art the sunshine of my soul. Thou drivest away the murky clouds of despair. Thou wilt always reign in my heart. My love for thee will never grow cold. Wilt thou ” Modern Miss: “Say, what is this, a proposal or a weather report?” The Greatest of These.—A rector whose income was exceedingly small was one day asked by a friend of his, “Why, Mr. , what in the world do you live on?” “I live on faith.” replied the rector, “my wife on hope, and my children on charity.” So Sudden.—He: “I’ve come to a conclusion.” She: “What is it?” He: “I realised to-day that I have been a bachelor for thirty-six years, and ’ She: “Oh, Jack, this is so sudden!” He: “And I decided that I’d had a jolly good time and that I’d keep it

Catty.—“ That woman copies everything I wear.” “She always was oldfashioned.” Oh, Those Typists!—Business Man (heatedly): Here it is Monday; tomorrow, Tuesday; and the next day will be Wednesday. The whole week shalf-gone, and nothing done yet. Perfect.—Mrs. Smith: “Our new minister is just wonderful. He always brings home the truth to you.” Mrs. Jones: “Wouldn’t it be perfectly lovely to have a husband like* that!” Candid. —Johnny (as his grown-up sister adds the finishing touches to her toilet) : “Why do you put all that stuff on your face, Alice?” Alice: “To make me look pretty.” Johnny: “Well, why doesn’t it?” Discount Justified. —Doctor (to convalescent patient who objects to the size of the bill): But, remember, I have paid you a great number of visits. Patient: Yes, tfut didna I gie the malady tae the whole neighbourhood? The Meandering Name.—Constable: Now, then, come on! What’s your name ?” Road Hog: Demetrius Aloysius Hepplewaite. Constable: None of that, now. It’s your name I want, not the family mottor. These Modern Dances. For some three or four months dances had been held in the local hall, and quite a number of the farm hands had become fair dancers. “HI. Jake!” said one to a friend. "Oi doan see ’ee down at the dancehall. Whoi?” “Ha, ha!” laughted the other. “Me dance? No, Oi could never larn to do that! ” “Doan be so sure,” exclaimed the first, “it’s very simple. All you have to do is to keep turning round and round and wipin’ your boots I”

Better Still.—“ Does he ever break his word? “No; he engages a lawyer to bend it for him.” Might Have Been Jupiter.—Pa: "Was Jack intoxicated when he came home last night?” Daughter: “I didn’t notice anything —except that he asked for a mirror to see who he was!” # * • Very Probable.—He: “If I posted a letter addressed to the silliest man in England, I wonder who they would deliver it to?” She (innocently): “They would probably return it to the sender.” Th Important Point. —She: “My father made his fortune when a youngman. Would you like to know how he did it?” He: “Not particularly, but I would like to know if he still has it.” * * * Inconsiderate. —Young Lady (writing to her “latest”): “Thank you very much for the beautiful bunch of chris Gosh, how do you spell ‘chrysanthemums’ ? Why can’t the idiot send roses?” * * * The Outcome.—Algy: I called upon the rich Mr. Moneybags this afternoon, and made a formal proposal for his daughter’s hand. Bertie: Ah, indeed, and what was the outcome. Algy (very sadly): I was. Dangerous.—“ Well, I don’t know,” said Johnson, reading the newspaper, I think airplanes are getting very dangerotis.” Wife: “What, another disaster?” “No; but there’s a couple just got married in one!” Not a Tea-Caddie.—“That’s for a drink, and I hope it will be a teetotal one,” remarked a vicar to his caddie after a game. “Thank you, sir,” replied the caddie: “but if it’s all the same to you. sir, I should like to point out that, while it’s true I am a caddie, I am not, thank heaven, a tea-caddie!”

They Must Be. —Muriel: The strongest men are out west. Jack: What makes you think that? Muriel: Don’t they hold up trains? * * * Not Much.—Brown: It doesn’t take much to turn a woman’s head. Robinson: You are right; that one just turned and looked at you. Not Easy.—Husband (arriving home late): Can you guess where I have been? Wife: Yes, but tell me your story first! * * * Sound Advice.—lrritable husband, to wife driving a nail: However do you expect to knock a nail in the wall with a clothes brush? For goodness sake use your head! Polite, Furious Driver.—“ How did you get on when you were charged with speeding?” “Well, I tried to be nice to the magistrate. I said, ‘Good morning. How are you to-day?’ ” “What did he say?” “Fine. Forty shillings.” Case for Gratitude.—The solicitor had conducted a case for his client, and the client called to pay his fees. “How much do I owe you?” he asked. “Your father and I were old friends,” said the solicitor. “Let’s say £30.” “Thank Heaven you didn’t know my grandfather,” said the client. Her Strong Point. —Employer (interviewing would-be lady clerk): “Where were you last employed?” Girl: “In a doll factory.” Employer: “Doll factory? What did you do there?” Girl: “I was making eyes*” Employer: “Very good, you’re engaged. but don’t demonstrate your capabilities when my wife is about.” -r rir tg r,” ri-t r'H ?\i 7ft &

Marital Bribery.—She: Marriage does change a man. He: In what way? She: Well, for instance, you used to offer me a penny for my thoughts, and now you offer me a pound to shut up.