A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 490, 20 October 1928, Page 21

A JEST OR TWO

Common Complaint.—“ Too many cooks spoil the broth.’’ “Yes, far too many.” # * We’ve Heard Her.—“ls she the leading lady V” "Yeah, she's leading: the orchestra by about four measures.” Scrambled Dates. —"Do you love me, darling V” "Of course I do, Harry.” Harry? My name’s Sam.” ‘"Why, so it is! I keep thinking today is Monday.”

CURDS AND WOE Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Lapping a cocktail up; Along came a spider And sat down beside her, And Miss Muffet Swore off the stuff. -j? f)-; ry; rtr fl- fit rfc Transposition. —Stage Manager (to new stage-hand): “Now, then, everything's ready. Run up the curtain.” Stage-hand: “Wot yer talkin’ about? Run up the curtain? I’m a stage-hand, not a blommin’ squirrel!” Uninvited.—Two men, having got into conversation at a private dance, became very friendly. “There are ways and means of getting into these private dances unasked,” remarked the younger man; “now, I had no invitation.” “Neither had I.” replied the other. “Really?—how did you manage it?” asked the young man in a surprised tone. ‘T am the host.” came the reply.

Outclassed.—Preacher: "You must conquer yourself. I conquered myself when I was about your age.” Jones: "Well, you see, parson, I’m a harder man to lick than you are.” * * * No Chicken.—" How old is Elizabeth?” "Don’t know, but everybody was overcome by the heat from the candles on her last birthday cake.” • * * * Who’s Who in Bargain Land.—Shopgirl (to another behind the counter, as a customer comes in): "Mamie, will you wait on this woman?” (Then to the customer): "This lady will wait on you.” The Talking Trees.—Girl (who has been rhapsodising for half an hour on the spring): “Oh, those lovely oaks, w’hat would they say if they could talk?” Companion: “Thfey probably wox#d say, ‘Pardon, madam, but we are beeches.’ ” The Useful Stare.—Hunter: "And I was in the middle of the jungle when suddenly I saw a tribe of savages charging down on me.” Friend: "Goodness! And what did you do?” 'Hunter: "I stared at them until I was black in the face, and they took mo for one of their own tribe.”

Four Of Them. —A stockbroker received a call from a solicitor. Following are the greetings which took place: Solicitor: "Good morning. Are you Mr. Smith?” Stockbroker: "Yes.” "I’m Clutterbuck, Spilkins, Son and Ravensw T orth.” "Oh! Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning!”

Cricket in Yorkshire. —A village game was delayed for some time owing to the absence of an umpire. The home skipper recognising an acquaintance among ’the crowd, held converse with him and asked the man to officiate. He was -willing to do so. "Aw reet,” said the skipper. "Sitha, lad. we’re fieldin’ first. Whenever you hear anybody say ‘Huzzat?’ you say ‘Out.* Later on when w'e go in to bat. I’ll tell thee a bit more.”

The Retort Agreeable.—The lift was unusually crow’ded, and an inoffensivelooking man accidentally stepped upon another man’s toe. "You clumsy fool.” roared the injured one, and he bent down and passaged his foot; "you might have broken my instep.” An apology from the offender failed to appease. “Do you think my f.eet were made for an idiot to "walk on? demanded the angry man. “It almost seems as if they were,’’ was the quiet rejoinder.

Linguistic Miracle.—“ Mrs. NouveauRiche: “He getting on so well at school: he learns French and algebra. Now Ronnie, say ‘How d’ye do’ to the lady in Algebra.’ "

Watchful Waiting. spotted the fellow who stole your car, why don’t you get it back?” "I’m waiting for him to put on a new set of tyres.”

Stepping On It.—Hubby; "I’m afraid we’re on the road to the poorhouse.” Wifey: Well, if we are, then a lot of other people around here are, too.” “Maybe; but we’re passing them on the road.”

After the Death Scene.—Husband of Authoress; "Will you be much longer writing that novel?” Wife: "I am just at the death scene of the hero.”

Husband (politely): "Good! And when he is dead would you mind sewing on this button for me?”

Perfectly O.K.—They were seated across the table from each other in the restaurant, the wealthy octogenarian and the gold digger. "Will you marry me if I have my health rejuvenated?” he asked. "I’ll marry you, all right,” she replied, "but you leave your health the way it is.”

rli ♦ rH ♦ Zi «fr T'lt 4 tMJt * * Done. —During a match at St. Andrews, Scotland, a rustic was struck in the eye, accidentally, by a golf ball. Running up to his assailant, he said: “This’ll cost ye five pounds—five

pounds!” he yelled. "But I called out ‘Fore’ as loud as I could,” explained the golfer. "Did you. sir?” replied the troubled one, much appeased. "Well, I didna hear; I’ll take four.”

Safe Spot.—Senior Partner: I have some very valuable papers here. Can you advise me concerning a safe place for them?

Junior Partner: Yes, put them in the filing cabinet. Nobody can find anything there. Nicely Put.—Hotel Manager: You must please pay in advance, sir. Your luggage is too—er—emotional. Visitor: Emotional? Hotel Manager: Yes—easily moved!

Fully Qualified. —Sweeping back his long black hair with an impressive gesture, the actor faced the director of the film studio. "I have come, he said in a deep bass voice, "because I desire a position in your company.” "Have yon had any experience of acting without an audience?” asked the film director. A flicker of sadness appeared for a moment in the expressive eyes of the actor. "Acting without audiences,” he replied, "is what brought me here.”

Nice Instructors.—Edith: Did you learn to swim last year? Ethel: Rather!—l2 times. The Crook.—"ls Smith honest?’ * "Well, he came round lo my house the other day and stole an umbrella I had borrowed from him.” Well-timed.—Speaker: "Didn’t you think my talk on politics was well timed?” Friend: "Yes. Several people in the audience kept looking at their watches.” ry? yre rl; rr. rre OH, MARY! Mary had a little damn, Which from a darn did grow; And jevery time that Mary spoke That damn would overflow. Nothing Harder.—" She has a very difficult part in that play.” "Difficult? Why she doesn’t say a word! ” "Well, isn’t that difficult ' for a woman ?”

High Finance.—"lt is very simple,” he told his hearers, “to learn how to live beyond your means. First you mortgage your income to buy a house, then you mortgage your house to buy an automobile, and lastly you mortgage your motor to buy the petrol. Soon afterwards you discover that it is not the petrol that makes the motor go. It’s the mortgage.”