A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 478, 6 October 1928, Page 23

A JEST OR TWO

Auto Suggestion. —" What shall Ido to keep from falling in love?” “Try pricing apartments.” • * • Raspberry- Pie Model.—lt is stated that old films are used to make varnish for motor-cars. A very comic seater we saw the other day had probably been treated with a little early Charlie Chaplin. Better Counsel. —He had been hurt in a railway accident, and, after being confined to his home for a few weeks, appeared in the High Street walking with the aid of crutches. ‘‘Hullo, old fellow!” cried an acquaintance, rushing up to shake his hand. “Glad to see you about again. His glance then happened to fall on the crutches. “Crutches still,” he said. “Can t you manage without them yet?” The other grinned. “Well,” he returned, “the doctor says I can, but my lawyer says I’d better not.”

WOEFUL WANT fn Pamela’s wardrobe a moth once appeared; Exceedingly hungry was he; He downed some sheer stockings and speedily cleared A bundle of choice lingerie; Ate four evening dresses and then passed away With a sigh of profound resignation. An inquest was held on the following day And the verdict was: “Death from starvation.”—Montreal Star. Patent Applied For. Professor.— “Can you tell me how a stove-pipe is made?” Pupil.—“ First you take a big, long hole, and then you wrap some tin around it.” s * * Misguided Ambition.—“ How old is your son?” asked the visitor. “Well,” replied the dad, “he’s reached that age when he thinks the most important thing to pass isn’t his examination, but the car ahead.” * * * His Hope.—Father: You have been running ahead of your allowance, Robert. Son: I know it, dad. I’ve been hoping for a long time that the allowance would strengthen up enough to overtake me. • • * The Evidence.—Polite Doctor: Your husband, madame, is suffering either from overwork or excessive indulgence in alcoholic stimulants; it is difficult to say which. Anxious Wife: Oh. I’m sure it’s overwork! Why, he can't even go to the theatre without hurrying out half-a-dozen times to see one of his partners! rr? sK rfc >1? rr nt SO CARELESS Lives of great men all remind us, As their pages o’er we turn, That we’re apt to leave behind us, Letters that we ought to burn. Unwilling Pedestrian: “Are you reallv content to spend your life walking the country begging?" asked the old lady severely. “No lady, I ain’t,” answered the hobo. “Many's the time I wished I had a car." Metaphysical Problem. The doctor entered his reception room and found typical old maid and a hard-boiled gentleman awaiting his ministrations. Turning to his attendant, the physician asked: "Which came first —the hen or the yegg?” . • • To Hang Together.—“lt is my wish that all the party should hang together," said the man on the platform. “Hear, hear!” came a voice from the back of the hall derisively. The speaker glared at the owner of the voice. . “I don’t mean in the sense in which that idle scoffer would have you understand ” went on the speaker with dignity, ‘ but that they may hang together in concord and accord.” “I don't mind what kind of cord it is ” came the same voice again, "as long as it's a strong cord.”

Why Not Currants? —Gardening Enthusiast: 4 I notice it is possible to grow flowers by electricity.” His Friend: “Yes, a good many are grown from bulbs.” * * * Mahomed and the Mountain.—A motor-bus stopped and the conductor looked up the steps expectantly. But no one descended, and at length lie ran up impatiently. “’Ere, you,” he said to a man on the top. “Don’t you want the Houses of Parliament?” “Yes.’ was the reply. “Well,” retorted the conductor, ‘come down for them. I can’t bring them up to you! ”

No Grand Slam.—“l hate these revolving doors.” “So do I. You can’t slam them.” * ♦ * Balky at the Post.—Helen: “So Peggy’s new boy’s a Scotsman? How does he treat her?” Mabel: “Very reluctantly, I believe.” * * * All Explained.—“ Why did you tell Joe you married me because I’m a wonderful cook? I can’t boil a potato!” “But I had to give some excuse.”

A Wedding Joke. —While a wedding group was being photographed at a studio on a recent afternoon a humorist removed a notice from a nearby shop and placed it on the back of the bridal limousine. When the couple emerged from the studio they were greeted by a big crowd of spectators, who cheered as they drove away. The notice read, “Under new management.”

Unknown Species.—“ What’s a Civil Servant, mummie?” “I never had one, darling.” * * * Put Him on Stilts.—“So you’re lost, little man? Why didn’t you hang onto your mother’s skirt?” Youngster: “Couldn’t reach it.” * * * Budding Barrymore.—She: “I’m sure I’ve seen your picture somewhere. Aren’t you in the movies.” He: “Well, not yet. But I pose for eye-glass ads.”

The Passing of Jordan.—A minister named Jordan had a son attending college. This eon was about to try his final examination, and naturally the father asked his son to let him know how he got on. One day the father received a telegram: “Hymn 254, verse 5, the last two lines.” After puzzling awhile the father turned up the hymn book, and this is what he found. Sorrows vanquished; labours ended; Jordan passed.

Reticence Record.—H. L. Loveless testified in his suit for divorce that his wife had kept silent for 14 months. This beats the previous record of 14sec held jointly by several women. Listeners Never Hear Good.—Her doctor brought a specialist to see her. She had warned her sister to hide behind a screen in the drawing-room, to overhear their opinion when in consultation after examination. When the doctors came into the drawing-room the specialist said: “Well, of all the ugly-ooking women I ever saw, that one’s the worst.’* “Ah,” said the local doctor, “but wait till you see her sister.”