..A JEST OR TWO..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 418, 1 September 1928, Page 27

..A JEST OR TWO..

One Thing Needful. —“Do you think you son will make a good business man?" } “I dunno. He’s a rotten golfer.” * * m Jokesmith’s Assets.—“ Poor Jess Won’t write any more jokes now.” “That’s so. By the way—did he leave a large estate?" “Yes. Jess didn’t have so much money. Everything he earned he put right back in his business. His holdings would make quite a list." “What aro some of them?” “A second-hand flivver, a radio, a mother-in-law, a bag of golf, clubs, a collection of time-tables, some garden implements, a mortgage, some instalment furniture, fishing tackle, poker chips, a bobbed-haired wife, and a cigarette-lighter.”

Scottish Treat. —Now that a French chemist has claimed that there is alcohol in the air, the favourite invitation in Aberdeen is to take a deep breath. What’s Bogey?—“He claims his wife was intractable, your lordship, so he beat her into subjection with a golf club.” . , “In how many strokes? asked the judge.

MURDER VICTIMS

Wouldn’t it be at joyous act Of undiluted bliss, To smash the goof who greets you On the phone with “Who is ziss? “Southern Pacific Bulletin.” The pompous cuss annoys us most. Conceited, full of swank. Who tells us, stiff as any post, “You’re talking to Mr. Blank." —"Railway Age.” Of selfish pests the worst of all Is surely, X opine. The one who has his steno call And bid you "Hold the line.” —“Southern Telephone News.’ The pest who hoists our temperature, And leaves us with a fever. Is the pup who never says “good-bye," But slams up the receiver. —“Macon Telegraph.” The man who makes us cuss regardless of what may befall us, Is the man who leaves his office when His stenog starts to call us. —“Houston Post-Dispatch,” But none can match the witless wight Who calls us from our slumber At one or two or three at night And then says: “Ah, Wrong Number!” —"Youngstown Telegram.”

Tale of Toots. —“Bill has a new siren for his car.” “What happened to the blonde?” Honourable Wounds. Barber: “Haven’t I shaved you before, sir?” Customer: “No, I gut those scars in France.” Xi 4? rl-t 4* «§* rl?

Triumph of Woman. —“ Doris is getting a man’s wages." “Yes, I knew he was married." * * * Awfully Awed. —“ This is the home o: Shakespeare. Are you not awed?" “Certainly! Where can we get postcards ?” Mercurial Smoke. —The doctor stud a clinical thermometer in the flappei patient’s mouth. She was evidently absent-mindec when she asked: “Have you a match?’ & 4* r-K 4* SK 4* ♦ ♦ SK WHERE MOVIES SCORE One reason I like the movies When dead an actor falls He can't arise amid applause And take nine curtain calls. r£ * & » 4» % * & * ♦ 3K ♦ a Hurting Mamma's Feelings.—Mothei (to small daughter just home from i visit): “I am sorry to say your aun gives a very poor account of you: ‘Naughty, untidy, unpunctual, untruthful, inclined to be imp— Daughter: “Does auntie really writ< all that?" Mother: “Yes." Daughter (sadly): “What a thing tc say to a child’s own mother!"

Slipping Back. —Large hats are to be worn by women this summer. Bit by bit, women are losing their manhood. >f High Visibility.—“l want a pair of garters, please.’* t- ‘‘Yes, madame. Something like those you’re wearing?” * * * k Out of the Frying Pan. —“ Doesn’t Joe

ever get tired of his wife’s continued sulkiness?” “I think not. He says when she’s good-natured she sings.” E ♦ % ♦ % ♦ INVENTOR’S TRIUMPH I eat my peas with honey, I have done it all my life; They do taste kind of funny, But it keeps them on the knife. S te ♦ SK * ♦ 3K ♦ HS ir Light Work Wanted. —The harassed a housewife was busy “telling off” her it lazy husband. “Goodness only knows,” i- she said, “what you would have done l ~ if we were living in the age when men earned their bread by the sweat of te their brows.” The languid and borntired individual turned wearily in his armchair and faintly replied, “Ah! I :o should have opened a shop and sold hankies!”

Conscientious Objector. —‘Jimmy is never going to marry.” “The pacifist!” Or Gloria Swanson Growls?— Wouldn’t it be awful if the talking movies should reveal that Bull Montana lisps? A A -1. A ala .1.

Tales of a Grandmother.—Little Girl: “Oh, yes, I can remember ’way back before there was any Lindbergh.” * * * "Have You Seen My Aunt?” —Visitor (to small boy): “So, Peter, I hear you’re learning to speak. French. How much do you know?” Peter: “'Well —not all of it.” How to Torture Your Wife.—“Xm buying a washing-machine for my wife as a birthday present.” “That will be a surprise, eh?” “Yes, quite! She’s expecting a new car.” * =3» * Watching His Step.—“l don’t know what’s the matter with that little man over there. He was so attentive a few moments ago and now he won’t even look at me.” “Perhaps he saw mo come in. He’s my husband! ”

SCHOOLBOY STUFF A deacon is the lowest kind of a Christian. A monastery is a place of monsters. Marriage is a Sacrament where a priest unites a man and woman in a fatal union. The Bible is against bigamy when it says no man can serve two masters. False doctrine is when a doctor gives wrong stuff to a man. America was discovered by the Spinach. In 1658 the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims’ Progress. An appendix is a portion of a book, which nobody yet has discovered of any use. An ibex is where you look at the back part of a book to find out anything you want. A grass widow is the wife of a vegetarian.

Follow*Up System* —The travelling man opened the telegram and read — “Twins arrived to-night, more by mail. * • • By Instalments.—An Englishman travelling" to Aberdeen was surprised to see his companion leave the carriage at each of the stopping-places between Euston and Aberdeen, and come back in a hurry just as the train was ready to start. He asked his fellow-pas* senger the reason, and the Aberdonian told him that he had been up to London to consult a specialist, who informed him he had heart trouble, and might die before he reached Aberdeen. “So,” said the Aberdonian. T am only booking to the next stopping* place to avoid needless expensa.**