A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 430, 11 August 1928, Page 23

A JEST OR TWO

Knows His Janes.—Wife: “Remember now, meet me at the Biltmore for lunch at twelve.” Lawyer: “Very well, dear, but please be there by one, as I have an appointment with a woman client at three and can t wait any longer than two. k I am to meet her at four.” * * * Re-vised Version.—Delilah: “Come °n, Samson, old kid, and let me give you a mean bob. With that thatch you are sporting, you look as if you bod just blown in from the hinterland. Li lurn you into a sheik that will make the cuties hold their breath.” She did, and how! His next appearance at the temple brought down the house.

Two Hands F ree.—Girl: “Let’s drive in the park.” Boy: “Naw, let’s park in the drive.” * * * Sick Friend? —Wife: “Where have you been so late?” Hubby: “Stop me if you’ve heard this one.” * * * Curiosity Box.—“My girl got her nose broken in three places.” “That’ll teach her to keep out of those places.” Going the Pace. —"My wife will never go to bed before* two o’clock in the morning—l can’t break her of the habit.” “What does she do all the time ” “Waits up for me.” King of the Highway.—“My father’s Mayor,” bragged a small boy, “and when he rides in a parade the motor cops go ahead and he doesn’t have to pay any attention to any traffic rules.” “That’s nothing,” sniffed his friend. “My father’s a truck driver.”

The Dog it was that Died.—“ What is the point at issue in the case of Jaggs v. Henderson, which has been dragging through the courts so long ? “The trouble began over the ownership of a dog. The litigation has been going on for six years, and has cost the parties £4OO so far.” “Who will get the dog eventually, do you think?” “The dog? Oh, he died early in the second year.”

On the Wrong Side.—Round the wards of the great hospital the old gentleman was being shown, and as he passed through the accident ward he exchanged words of sympathy with some of the patients. “Dear me,” said he, as he paused before a man whose head was swathed in bandages, and whose features were hardly distinguishable, “you’re badly knocked about, but you must cheer up, my man!” . “Cheer up, guv’nor? Ive done cheerjjig up,” replied the patient. “Nonsense —nonsense! ’ But the man was not to be comforted. “It ain’t nonsense,” he insisted. “I’m ’ere through cheering up. I ’appened to cheer the wrong team!”

Flapjack Queen.—The laziest woman in tbe world is the one who puts popcorn in her pancakes so they’ll turn over by themselves. Cramping His Style.—“ What do you consider the height of human incompetence?” “How about a drum major with an inferiority complex?” * * * New One on Dad.—He: “Well, my father has another wife to support now.” She: “How’s that, is he a bigamist?” He: “No, but I just got married.” Keeping Up with the Airmen.— Father (wrathfully): “Your conduct has made you the talk of the town.” Daughter: “Yes, but how long will it last? Some darn aviator will fly across the Pacific or something, and I’ll have to do it all over again.” The Tip for Health.—Doctor: “Your husband is suffering from nervous prostration.” Anxious Wife: “Yes, sir.” Doctor: “And be needs something to quieten him. What is his business?” Anxious Wife: “He is a policeman, sir.” Doctor: “Well, slip a shilling into his hand, when he isn’t looking, every two hours during the night, and I’ll call again in the morning. Good day.” A Difficult Bereavement. —His head was in his hands, and his hands were shaking with emotion. “Arrah, ye’re looking very sad!” exclaimed Patrick*O’Holinan, coming up and laying a hand upon his friend’s shoulder.” “Oi feel sad!” responded Denis O’Denis, “Oi’ve lost my mother-in-law.” “Lost your mother-in-law?” cried Patrick. “Ay!” replied Denis. “I tell you it’s hard to lose your mother-in-law?” “Hard?” exclaimed Pat. “Begorrah, boy, it’s almost impossible!”

For Private Consumption.—Cannibal King’s Daughter: “Say, Pa, there ain’t t going to be any dinner. Cook’s eloped v with him.” c * * * 1, Rigorous Training.—“lt’s so difficult to do what’s right all the time.” “Cheer up—the first ten commandments are the hardest.” * * * Wow!—Lady Politician: “What is £ home without a mother?” Mai© Voice in Audience: “‘Your baby!” \ * * * Desk Cure.—Doctor (to wealthy jpatient): “Yes, you’re all run down. I G suggest that you lay off golf for a while, return to business, and get a good rest at your office.” I

The last two might be called Mr. Coolidge’s declining years.—“Publishers’ Syndicate.” Remember, girls, in seeking your model husband, there are two models, sport and working.—“ Council Bluffs Nonpareil.” * * * Another trouble with modern romance is that the time is too short between courtship and court. —“Arkansas Gazette.” But at that, when a woman driver sticks out her hand you know she’s thinking of doing something.—“ Council Bluffs Nonpareil.” * * * Bankruptcy cost the country more than fires in 1926. And at that some of the fires probably prevented a bankruptcy.—“ Boston Transcript.” * * * Now it appears what is needed is a rescue party to rescue rescue parties that get lost trying to rescue rescue parties.—“ Macon Telegraph.” * * * The chemical constituents of a man are said to be worth 98 cents. Possibly it is that price which causes some women to run after them. —“Tampa Times.” British physicians now claim that crying is good for one’s complexion, provided, of course, that one’s complexion is one’s complexion.—“ Detroit News.” * * Among the workers for the Isaak Walton League are some of our most prominent church officials. Possibly hoping to develop a fish that won’t bite on Sunday.—“ Council Bluffs Nonpareil.” # * * The newspaper which expressed the wish that somebody would take Gene Tunney’s set of Shakespeare away from him is hereby delegated as a committee of one to do it.—“ Lynchburg News.”

Please Stand By.—lt is fitting that the nation which gave us Marconi, inventor of radio, should also have produced Mussolini, world’s champion loud-speaker. * * * Probably Bacchus.—Stage Hand: “Shall I lower the curtain?” Manager: “Why?” Stage Hand: “One of the livin’ statues has the hiccups.” * * * Triangle Stuff.—“ Just bin lunching with your husband, Darling.” “So good of you, Angel; but I do hope it won’t come to his secretary’s ears—she’s so jealous.” * * * Lightning Calculation.—Him: “I wish I dared to ask you a very important question.” Her: “Why don’t you?” Him: “I see a negative in your eyes.” Her: “In both of them?” Him: Yes.” Her: “Don’t you know that two negatives make an—why, Charlie, howdare you?” Law and Lure.—Little Boy (entering bookshop): “What's the price of the book in the window, ‘How to Captivate People’ ?” Dealer: “That’s not a suitable book for you, my boy. What do you want to buy it for?” Little Boy: “I thought of giving it to my father for a Christmas present—he’s a policeman.” Another War Starts.—The old soldier was telling his story. “So,” said he, “we started out from Wipers—” “Ypres,” said the old lady. “Well, as I was sayin’, we started out from Wipers—” “Ypres,” said the old lady. “We set off, as I say, from Wipers—” “Ypres,” said the old lady. “You ain’t arf got ’iccups,” said the soldier.

Sacrificial Offering. —Alpha: “What was the denomination of that bill you loaned me?” Theta: “Episcopalian I guess; it keeps lent.” * * * Bam!— Witness: “Then he upped and ’e knocked me down with a leaf.” Magistrate: “With a leaf?” Witness: “Yes, your Honour. With a leaf from the table.” * * * Yawn-provoker. —“l wish,” said the j club bore, “that one of you chaps would j give me a cure for insomnia.” “Have you ever,” remarked one of his vie- | tims, “tried talking to yourself?” A Poor Diviner. —First Student: “That girl you’ve started going with is a smart li’l gold-digger.” Second Pauper: “Then all I’ve got to say is, she’s a darn poor geologist.” * * a Southwest Corner, - Attorney: “Where was the defendant milking the cow?” Witness: “It’s hard to describe, Judge, but if you’ll bring in a cow. I’ll show you the exact place.”

Much In Request. —The bridal party was at the altar. The small flower girl was the adoring niece of the bride. All her life she had tagged Aunt Frances. The minister, reading the service, asked: “Ho you take this man to be your wedded husband?” “I do,” said the bride. “I do, too, Aunt Francey,” piped up the small flower girl, loyally. Help From Above. —He was an elder of his kirk in a small Scottish town, and had consulted a specialist about his health. Told that he had a floating kidney he was much disturbed, for the complaint had all the terror of mystery. He went to the minister of his church with a request that the prayers of the congregation might be offered. “I don’t know,” said the minister. “I’m afraid that at the mention of a floating kidney the congregation might laugh.” “I see nothing to laugh at,” replied the sufferer. “It was only last Sabbath that you prayed for loose livers.”

Consistent Woman.—“ Haven’t you heard? —Mary just married Bill Hendricks!” “Bill Hendricks! Not really! Why, that was the man she was engaged to!” * * * Martyr to Duty.—Professor Father: “Jane, it seems to me that young man should be more conscientious.” Jane: “Conscientious! Why, he just sits and worries himself sick because he doesn’t go home and study!” The Wise Spider.—Two spiders met in a dusty corner. “Well,” asked one, “how are you getting on?” “Terribly,” replied the other. “Everything is impossible nowadays: what with mechanical sweepers and energetic housemaids. I’m always disturbed. And how, he inquired,, “arc you?” “Oh, very well,” said spider No. 1. “I’ve made my home in an offertory • box in a church in Aberdeen.” I

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