A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 376, 9 June 1928, Page 22

A JEST OR TWO

All Forgiven.—“ What is your worst sin, my child?” “My vanity—l spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty.” “That is not vanity—that is imagination.” * * * The Victorian Kiss. —“ Girls were harder to kiss in your day, weren’t they, grandpa?” “Mebbe, mebbe,” ventured the old gentleman, “but it wasn’t so blame dangerous. The old parlour sola wouldn’t smash into a tree about that time.” „ „ Post Mortem. —A quarrelsome couple, having exhausted many subjects, came to discussing tombstones, and the w'ife a& “My dear, what kind of a stone do you suppose they will give me when I die?” “Brimstone.” was the reply. * * * Unnecessary Question. The stout old gentleman rushing along the platform just missed his train, and returned puffing and blowing to be greeted by a porter with the question: “Missed your train, sir? “No,” was the reply; “I didn’t like the look of it, so I chased it off the platform.”

Socking the Overhead— First Roman (at a Christian massacre) : “We’ve got a capacity crowd, but still we’re losing money. The upkeep on the lions must be pretty heavy.” Second Roman: “Yes, sir. These lions sure do eat up the prophets.” V&WW 3- SK rH

rn r!s -fc tk Origin of a Tabb.—"On a certain island station there was a garrison of marines as well as bluejackets, and naturally there was a senior officer of each corps. Their two wives each laid claim to a special pew in the little church, and after much acrimonious dispute, in which each one asserted her right, an appeal was made to the governor. There being no woman connected with him on ihe island to influence his mind, he accorded a patient hearing to each of the claimants, and gave as his decision that the pew should be occupied by the elder of the two. Result, the pew was never occupied by either.

In Peril. —Pett Ridge tells of a junior clerk who approached the head of a, firm which was doing none too well, with a. view to a rise in salary. “Certainly not.” was the reply, “and let me warn you, young man, if you’re not jolly careful I’ll make you a partner!”

Chasing the Overhead. —Judge: “Why have you not made these alimony payments?” Defendant: “I can’t start till week after next. Judge. There are still two instalments due on the engagement ring.” * * * Spade and Mortar. —A pompous physician who was inclined to criticise others was watching a stonemason build a fence for his neighbour, and thought the mason was using too much mortar. “Jim,” he said, “mortar covers up a good many mistakes, does it not?” “Yes, doctor,’ * replied the mason, “and so does the spade.” * * * “Kills the Thing He Loves.” —The After Care Committee was interviewing the mother of a boy who was about to leave school. The problem was what career should the lad follow. Various avenues were suggested, but Mrs. Jones did not think they would do. At last the chairman had an idea. “How would you like your boy,” he asked, “to attend a continuation school and learn butchering?” Mrs. Jones hesitated for a moment. “I think he’d make a good butcher,” she agreed, “he’s always been fond of animals.” * * * Yum Yum. —Angry Customer (tossing a package on the counter): “Makes washing a pleasure, does it? Does the washing while you wait, does it? It’s the little flakes of soap that —” Grocer: “Madam, one moment, please. This is not soap.” Angry Customer: “Not soap? Not soap?” “No. Your daughter asked for a half-pound of grated cheese and a halfpound of soap flakes. This is the cheese.” “My stars! And last night I made a pudding—” * * * Perpetual Motion. —An old, old man one day met a young, young woman. Each was attracted by the oddity of the other’s employment. “What on earth are you doing?” asked the young, young woman. “I’m trying to lift myself over this fence by my bootstraps,” replied the old, old man. “I’ve been trying for years to acomplish it and I’m almost discouraged. Now, what, if you don’t mind, are you doing?” “I’m trying to drape this skirt so as to cover my knees,” said the young, young woman. “Shake!” said the old, old man, extending his hand. “Your job’s harder than mipe.”

Getting the Keynote. —lnterviewer (to big business man): “I have called to learn the secret of unparalleled success.” Big Business Man: “Just one moment, please. Are you from “The American Magazine” or the district attorney’s office?”

Blowing It.—“ When old Richleigh died he left a request that his dust be scattered to the four winds.” “Well, his spendthrift son is attending to that all right.” She Passed the Test. —“ Women are fools. I never knew but one really sensible one.” “Well, why didn’t you marry her?” “I asked her, but sh© wouldn’t have me.” * * * One Drawback. —Agitator: “Ah, these capitalists! If we poor people only had our rights I’d be riding in my own carriage, as I did before.” Sceptic: “Yes, but your poor old mother couldn’t push you now.” * * ❖ One Last Request. —Doctor: “About nine patients out of ten don’t live through this operation. Is there anything I. can do for you before we begin?” Dusky Patient: “Yessah. Kindly hand me ma hat.” * * Heads I Win, Tails You Lose. —One night when her mother reminded her that it was her bedtime, she said: “It isn’t fair. At night you tell me I’m too little to stay up, and in the morning you say that I’m too big to stay in bed.”^ The Shell or the Kernel? —Mrs. De Style (as dress mannequins display gowns at modiste’s): “Which do you like best, Richard?” Husband: “I prefer that tall brunette —er —that is, I mean the pink chiffon, my dear.” Not Like Home. —“ Now, Johnny,” said the mother of the young hostess to the little boy guest. “I want you to feel perfectly at home.” “H’m!” growled Johnny. “I don’t want to feel at home. I want to have a good time.” * * * End of the Section, —lt was a cold wintry morning and the thin man walked rapidly down the hill toward his place of business. Suddenly a piece of the ice under the snow caused him to lose control of his feet and come in contact with a heavy woman laden with parcels of all sorts. The meeting was sudden, and a moment later both were sliding down the hill, the thin man underneath. At last they reached the bottom, and there the woman sat, gasping and trying to regain her breath. t “Pardon me, madam,” came a faint voice from below, “but you will have to get off here. This is as far as I go.”

Why They Step On It.—Some people drive as if they were anxious to have their accident quickly and get it done with.

Old Nick. —Peter: “How did we get the word Satan?” Philip: “Oh, I except its’ just an old nick-name.” Brass Tacks.—“ There is nothing I can say of Hamlet that has not already been said.” —Champion Tunney. Forget Hamlet, Gene, and think of Heeney. • * * This Is Service. —Newspaper Canvasser: “You advertised in our paper for a nightwatchman. Hid you get any results, sir?” Shopkeeper; “I most certainly did. The advertisement appeared yesterday morning, and I was burgled last night.” * * * A Sweeping Argument.—The mistress of the house was very angry with her maidservant. “Look here, Lucy,” she cried, “I can’t allow you to send so many blouses to the laundry. Seven in one week is positively disgraceful.” The maid hung her head in shame, but the outraged housewife was not to bo appeased. “Do you realise,” she continued, “do you realise, Lucy, that my own daughter doesn’t send as many to the wash in a month?” “Perhaps she don’t,” said Lucy, now thoroughly roused, “and perhaps she don’t walk out with a sweep! !”

The Magnet.—They were talking of a friend in the club. “You know,” said the first man, “it’s a most extraordinary thing, but wherever I go I generally meet old Moxon, and he’s always surrounded by girls. Girls of all sizes, shapes and colours.” “I know,” agreed another man. “Anybody could understand it if Moxon were handsome, but he’s as ugly as sin, and as old as the hills. How he manages to attract girls beats me altogether.” The third man looked up. “There’s one thing you’ve forgotten about Moxon,” he remarked, “and that is the fact that he is a steel magnate.”

Blazes of Indignation.—She: You should always make light of your troubles, dear. He: I do; whenever a tradesman sends me a bill I burn it. _ Teeth Chattering.— “ What did that traffic cop say to you?” “1 don’t know,” answered Mr. Chuggins. “I was so busy saying, ‘yes, sir,* that I couldn’t hear him.” * * * Perhaps Twins. —The bashful bachelor encountered a neighbour, a young mother, and, wishing to te neighbourly, asked: “How is your little girl, Mrs. Jones?” “My little boy is quite well thank you,” replied the proud mother. “Oh, it’s a boy!” exclaimed the bachelor, in confusion. “I knew it was one or the other.” Satiribal Lady.—“So you want a divorce, Rastus?” “Yes, suh, jedge, yo’ honah—Ah sho’ly does.” “What’s the trouble?” ** ‘Count ob ma wife makin’ an ironical remark.” “An ironical remark?” “Yes, suh —she says if you don’t go to work. I’ll hit you in the face wid dis flatiron.” * * * Points of View.—The hostess was talking to one of her guests as the two sat on the lawn listening to the chimes recital. “Beautiful, aren’t they?” “Pardon?” inquired the guest. “I say tHey'Te beautiful, aren’i; they?” “I’m sorry,” roared the guest; “but I can’t hear a word for those blinkin’ chimes.” * Loan Security.—A member of a loan society said to another member: “I want to borrow £SO. Will you stand security for me?” Second member: “I don’t much fancy the risk.” First member: “I’d do th© same for you any time, old chap.” Second member: “All right, old man. I’ll borrow the money and you shall go security for me. Tfmn I’ll hand the cash over to you.’* First member: “But then I shall be security for my own loan!” Second member: “Well, who better?”

Unsafe Custody.—When Robert Halliday returned to “The Desert Song” recently his negro dresser, Elmer, cornered him, and asked if he hadn’t forgotten something. “I don’t think so,” replied Mr. Halliday. “Why, yo’ said yo’ going ter bring me a bottle ob gin.” “I didn’t forget it, Elmer. I sent it to you in care of the doorkeeper.*’ “Golly, Mistah Bob!” groaned Elmer. “You’ might jest as well sent me a cabbage leaf in care of a rabbit.”

Broken China. —“ The Two Chine-** armies have just fought another battle." “Was anybody hurt?” * * * Gentle Brickbat. —“. Have you heard that Edna is engaged?” “No, who’s the pTucky man?” ♦ * * Pie-eyed. —Judge: “What is the charge, officer?” Officer: “Driving while in a state of extreme infatuation.” Tender Trophy. —Molly: “What makes you insist his heart Is in the right place?” Polly: “He laid it at my feet yesterday.” * * * Placing the Guilt. —He: “Oh, you mustn’t blame me for my ancestors.” She: “I don’t. I blame them for you.” » * • When Time Almost Flies. —“I have had so many troubles, my dear, that this year I have grown six months older.” * * * Cheerful Bystander. —Badly Bruised Boxer: “I can’t ’ardly see ’im. now/’ Second: “Never mind —’it ’im from memory.” In Again, Out Again.—Wife: “Was Mrs. De Style in her new gown when you saw her?” Husband: “Partly.” • * * Ma a la Mode.—“ There’s mother* ashes in the jar on the mantelpiece. “So your mother is with the angels!” . “No, sir; she’s just too lasy to wok for an ash-tray.” • * • Ancient Retainer. —“Tour maid seems to be rather familiar with you.” “Yes, I put up with that from old servants; just think, she has been with us for more than a month.” * • * Before and After. —“My wife has been using a flesh-reducing roller for nearly two months.” “And can you see any result yet. n “Yes—the roller is much thinnerUndercover >Vork. Professor - “What did you learn about the salivary glands?” Girl: “I couldn’t find out a thins. Professor. They’re so darn secretive.” ** * *

Art in the Kitchen.—Wile: ‘Job”; I’m writing a paper on calendar * form for our club. Do you lGn , which Pope gave us our present ea. Husband: “Pope? Good henvehS* thought it came from our grocer.