A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 370, 2 June 1928, Page 22

A JEST OR TWO

Adam and Evil.—Grandma: Oh, Jenny darling, lam surprised! Aren’t you going to give your brother part of your apple? Jenny: No. grannie; Eve did that, and she’s been criticised ever since. Official Censor.—A Kentucky rural postman—o.r mailman, to be exact — blew his whistL outside a small house. A woman appeared, and then, to the mailman’s distress, the postcard he had for her could not be found. “I must lia’ lost it,” he said, “but it’s all right. Your daughter Beth, she’s getting on fine, hopes to visit you this summer, and says her husFaith and Belief.—A famous actor liked to bo affable to the lesser lights about him. One day he was conversing with one of his stage hands. “And Yvhat, my man, is your vocation?” asked the condescending matinee idol. “I'm a Baptist,” was the reply. “No, no, my good fellow, that is your belief. I want to- know your vocation. For instance, lam an actor.” “No,” replied the scene-shifter, “that’s your belief.”

One or the Other. —A workman sai#l to his minister: “Yes, sir, I’ve been out of work a long time, but I managed to get a bit of a job last Sunday, and earned five bob.” Parson: “Wliat, James, you broke the Sabbath?” James: “Well, sir, one of us had to be broke.”

Grinners and Groaners.—An optimist is one who hops out of bed on a cold morning, saying: “Well, old bed, I’ll be back to you in 17 hours.” A pessimist is one who hops in bed saying “Gee! up again in seven hours!” Toujours La Politesse.—Two flappers were discussing a male acquaintance, and one of them stated that she disliked him. “But if you dislike him.” observed the other, “why did you let him kiss you?” . “Well, was the reply, “one can’t be downright rude, you know!” Playing Up.—Two boys wanted to play a trick on their teacher, so they painted the face of a monkey on thu back of his coat as it hung on its hook. The master came into the room, and. seeing the caricature, demanded—- “ Who has cleaned his face on myt overcoat!” For Him to Say.—The magistrate bent stern brows on the defendant. “You are charged with exceeding the speed limit,” he declared. “Are you guilty or not guilty?” “Well, you can decide for yourself, sir,” replied the prisoner. “I was in that car you overtook just before I got caught!”

Independence.—Mrs. A.: “So you ar® now living at an hotel?” Mrs. B. —“Yes. The cook got so haughty and domineering that we decided to simply walk out of the house and show her that we can be just as independent as anybody.”

Higher Up. —“ You’re doing well, young fellow,” said the shipping clerk, encouragingly, “the foreman praises you to the skies.” “I’d sooner he’d praise me to the boss,” was the quiet reply. Human Crab. —Mr. Flip: “What’s the matter with you? Anything wrong with your back?” Mr. Quip: “No. My wife made the shirt I have on, and I have to walk this way to fit it.” Prize Inhaler. —Muriel had been to the zoo for the first time, and was giving her grandmother a long account of what she had seen. “And which animal did you like best, dear?” asked her grandmother when Muriel had finished. “Oh, the elephant!” was the reply. “It was wonderful to see him pick up buns with his vacuum-cleaner.” Hardly Worth It. —Little Mary, who had fallen ill. begged for a kitten. It was found that an operation was necessary for the child’s cure, and that she must go to the hospital.. Her mother promised that if she were very brave she should have the very finest kitten to be found. As Mary was recovering from the influence of the anaesthetic, the nurse heard her muttering: “Its a rotten way to get a kitten.”

A Condensed List.—“My wife made out an expense account for last month,” j said Mr. Howes. “Could you learn from her statement just what she bought?” asked his friend. “No. Most of her purchases were listed as sundries.” * * * His Native State .—American Newspaper Reporter.—“ And in what State were you born, professor?” Professor.—“ Unless my memory fails me, in the state of ignorance.” Reporter (writing swiftly).—“Right, and how long have you lived there?” The Ghost.—Mother.—“Now, remember, Willie, there’s a ghost in the d;iH: cupboard where I keep the birthday' cake.” Willie (aged five). —“It’s funny that you never blame the ghost when some of the cake goes—it’s always me!” * * * The Test of Money.—Old Gentleman: “Are your mineral baths any good?” Hydro Clerk.—“ Well, a week ago a man was- brought here in a bath chair, and yesterday when we showed him his bill he ran off without paying it.”

Tattle-Tale. —Nurse: “Well, Bobby, you have a new baby brother for a Christmas present.” Bobby: “Oh, zowie! May I be the first to tell mother?” * * * There’s a Difference. —Child (in bus to stranger): “Daddy, daddy!” Mother: “Hush, darling. That isn’t daddy. It’s a gentleman.” * * * Sea-food Item.—“ What’s Helen doing?” “Making a shrimp salad.” “I didn’t know we had any shrimps in the house.” “We haven’t, but there is one coming to call on her this evening.” Fork Out.—Housewife: “Would you agree to chop sticks for your dinner?” “No, lidy; I ain’t no blinkin’ Chink.” Shadow Boxing.—“ How aid you know Arthur was stewed?” “He was having an awful fight with the dean!” “How does that prove he was drunk?” “The dean wasn’t there at the time!” * * * Voice of the Sluggard.—The laziest man in Beacon was discovered early yesterday morning. He was sound asleep when his wife, awakened by the fire siren, nudged him and said: “Wake up, honey, I think the whole town is on fire. The sky is all lit up. Wake up, wake up!” The husband woke up slowly, indolently arose and sleepily felt the four walls of the room, yawned and stretched with a grunt and murmured to his spouse: “The walls are still cool,” and he returned to bed.