A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 364, 26 May 1928, Page 22

A JEST OR TWO

If Winter Cornell— Mother: Mabel f says she has nothing to wear to the dance to-night. Father: What became of the beads I got her last week? ... The Man Pays. —“ What, another new costumei’’ said a husband to his wife. “How on earth am I to pay for it and only paid six months’ rent j yesterday?" “John, dear, how do I know? I’m your wife, not your f.nahcial adviser.” a Shocking Accident. —Motorist: I say. will five shillings pay for this wretched hen which I’ve run over? Breeder: You had better make it ten shillings; I have a rooster that thought a lot of that hen, and the shock might kill him too. ... Sincere Praise. —“ And how did you like the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?” asked the new curate, with a ] simpering smile. “Very good, indeed, sir,” said Mrs. Jones, "and so instructive. We really didn’t know what sin was! till you came here.” Drawing Him Out. —" Papa,” said a boy to his father, “why do the;.- have white horses at a wedding? “White horses, my boy?—er, er—that is—dear me—well, Fm afraid I can’t remember for the moment-” “To draw the carriages, papa.”

~-- - - Household Hints. —Sinks: What was that man giving the elephants to drink? Jinks: Camphor. Binks: Why camphor? Jinks: To keep the moths out of his trunk.

“Ah, when he died he was such a beautiful yellow.” “Did your husband die of jaundice, then ?" “Not my husband—the canary!"—* Pages Gaies, Yverdon.

“My matrimonial agency was a great success, My wife divorced me and married one of my clients.”—X>oribarbier, Berlin.

Hen-fruit Fatality, —“Tough iuck,*" said the egg in the monastery. “Out of the frying-pan into the friar/’ Shocking Extravagance. — Dad, we learnt at school to-day that the animals have a new fur coat every winter.” “Be quiet, your mother is in the next room.” Mild Static. —Professor; “Why don’t you answer me?" Fresh: T did, Professor. I shook my head." Professor: “But you don’t expect me to hear it rattle away up here do you?” . Popular Sport. —He: “Weren't we engaged last year?” She: “I expect so, if you were stay- 1 ing in the same hotel as I was ’ * * * Esrlier Model. —Little Johnny; ’Look at that rhinoceros.’ Little Willie: “That ain’t no rhinoceros; that’s a hippopotamus. Can’t you see it ain’t got no radiator cap?” How To Torture Your Husband.— Doctor: 'Does he. complain of thirst?? Wife of Patient: “He did at first, but when I offered him a glass of water once or twice. he soon stopped.” They Eeat Him To It. —Husband: “I say, if the worst comes to the worst, 1 suppose you can go and live with your parents?” Wife: “Xot a chance. They're already living with their parents." On the Jump. —“Gayley is what you might call an adroit man.” • Decidedly. His sins never find him out and his creditors never find him in." Final Slam. —“Bridge, bridge, bridge,” j cried Mr. Auction Maniac to his wife. “You’ll kill yourself playing bridge.” ; “Then, Auction darling,” replied Mrs. Maniac, ‘you must be sure to bury me with simple honours.” Filial Solicitude. —Mother: “Now, Violet, can you give me any reason why I should not punish you for your disobedience ?” Vi: “Yes. mother. The doctor said you weren’t to take any vi-lent exercise,”

Past a Joke. School- mispress: “What tense is ‘I am beautiful'?” • Scholar: “Past!” Alarming. —Son of Wealth: “Yes, my : father has contributed very much to the raising of the -working classes.” I Hyde Park “Red”: “Ah! Is he a Socialist?” Son of Wealth: “'No, he makes alarm clocks.” Thrift Sermon. —Telephone Operator: “I have your party. Deposit five cents, please.” _ Souse at Pay Station: “Whatzzat?” Operator: Please deposit your 1 money.” Souse: “Listen, girlie, wat I wan's a > conversash’n from a fren\ not financial advice from e =:ramger. " Wright Bngine Builder.” Stumped. —A schoolmaster. better versed in classics than cricket, was taking a party of ladies to watch one of the school matches. Perceiving, when he arrived on the ground, that the game was already in progress, he called one of the pupils to him and asked how the score stood. The boy replied that they had taken seven wickets for SO runs. “How verv strange:” said the pedagogue. “I always thought there were onlv sis wickets.”

1 - • . Each One Settled. —She: This is Maude’s third husband, and they s.ll bore the name of William. He:’You don't say so. Why. the woman is a regular Bill collector. - ~ - 1 ,

‘•When you grow up you shall be a gentleman.” “I don’t want to be a gentleman. I want to be like you, daddy.”— Jugend, Munich.

M I am so unhappy. My husband suffers from kleptomania ! ” w l*m so sorry. Does he suffer much pain?”—Vikingen, Oslo.

Black Magic. Father (reading school report): “’Conduct, bad; reading, bad; composition, arithmetic, history, bad—bad—bad!’ What is the meaning of this, Gerald?” Gerald: “I can't understand it. dad. Do you think it might be a forgery?”