A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 358, 19 May 1928, Page 21

A JEST OR TWO

Perhaps It Would Do. —lrritable Plusband: “How can you expect to drive a nail into the wall with a hair-brush? For goodness sake, use your head!” And Ours, Too. —The Guide (in the picture gallery): “This is the famous “Angelas,’ by Millet.” Aunt Phyllis: “Well, I never; That man has actually copied the calendar that’s hung in our kitchen for a dozen years.”

Legal Advice?—Nervous Young Man: “I want to ask you about something very important, sir. I want to ask you, I want to know —will you—let me marry—your daughter?” Lawyer: “No! That will be half a guinea, please.” Peace Hath Her Heroes.—Mrs. Baggs: "I hear your son is going to get married: I do hope he will be lucky.” Mrs. Jaggs: ‘Bless yer kind 'eart, .he’ll be all right, he came through the Great War without a scratch. A Feeling Remark.—A patient said to a doctor: "I’m feeling very blue this morning, doctor.” “What’s the matter?” asked the physician. “Every time I feel my nose it hurts i me.” “But you are not obliged to feel your i nose.” “But how can I tell whether it hurts ; unless I feel it?”

In the Soup. —Diner (indignantly): “Bring the proprietor here at once, there’s a wasp in my soup!” Waiter: “It’s no use sending for the boss, sir, ’e’s deadly scared of ’em ’imself! ” * * * Heaven—Perhaps. Algernon: “Ah, Mabel, dearest, just say those few words which will mean heaven.” Mabel: “Oh, go and shoot yourself.” * * * Settling Up or Down. —Sarcastic Customer (nudging day-dreaming waitress): “Sorry to wake you, miss, but I was thinking of my bill.” Waitress (sentimentally): “So was I, sir! ” * * * Extraordinary. —Stranger: “Tell me, have any big men ever been born in this city?” Native: “No, sir—only babies.” * * * Quantity Not Quality. —Mr. Singer was ill, and consulted a dtoctor. The doctor studied him, and finally said: “The only defect seems to be mental. Your brain requires strengthening. You should eat a lot of fish.” “What fish would you recommend, doctor?” “Well, in your case, I should suggest whale! ” Much Too Long. —First Loafer: “1 hear all the men have gone on strike.” Second Ditto: “Yes, for shorter hours.” “Luck to ’em. I alius did say that 60 minutes was too long for an hour.”

Hoarding Impressions. —“How was the scenery on your tour?” “It ran largely to tooth paste and smoking tobacco.” Broadcast Woes. —No one knows the anguish a heart-broken woman suffers. That is, no one outside of hearing distance. Orphanage. —“ Where have you been. Frank?” “In Manchester.” “What were you doing there?” “I ran a photograph gallery.” “Did you get anything to do?” “Well, I should say I did. I put out a sign ‘Babies taken here,’ and next morning there were four of them left on the doorstep.” Rock Of Ages. —“ What do you want?” demanded Mr. Newlywed, as he confronted the tramp at his front door. “Breakfast or work?” "Both, sir,” replied the tramp. “H’m!” said Mr. Newlywed. and disappeared momentarily into the house. Presently he returned carrying a large piece of his wife’s homemade cake. “Then eat that,” he exclaimed savagely, “and you’ll have both.”

Poor Salesman. —Customer: “I’d like to get a hat.” Country Storekeeper (rather deaf): “Hey?” Customer: No, straw.” Maddening. —“ Would you be mad if I asked you to marry me?” She: “No, only if I said, ‘Yes.’ ” * * * Can It! —“Father, is it true that big fishes eat sardines?” “Yes!” “How do they get them out of the tins?” * * * Dry Humour. —Doctor: Your temperature seems to have taken a drop. Patient: Can’t you fix it so I can do the same, doctor? Six-cylinder Grammar. Teacher: Johnny, take this sentence, “The automobile was going 50 miles an hour” — now can you parse it? Johnny: No, but I’ll bet dad could if his car was working right. For Better—or Worse. —They returned from the honeymoon, and he resumed his job at the office. On the first Saturday he handed liis bride £5 out of his £6 salary, and kept a pound for himself. On the second Saturday he reversed the process. “But how on earth am I to manage for a whole week on £1?” demanded the bride. “Dashed if I know,” he replied,, ruefully. “I bad a rotten time myself last week. It’s your turn now.”

Gee Whiz!—Father (to son who cannot pronounce the letter “s”) - “Come along, Sonny, let me hear you say Son (coldly): “1 say horse.” A Daniel * Come To Judgment.— Judge: “I will be merciful to you. Seven days.” Accused: But I am to be married in a week.” Judge: “Then T will be still more merciful. A month.”

The Inquiring Age.—Lawyer: The j cross-examination did not seem to worry you much. Have you had pre- ! vious experience? ! Client: Six children. What He Told the Belle.—Author: “I have here the scenario for a dis- ; tinctly novel film. It is a simple j story woven round the life of a sexton.” Movie Magnate: “Ah. that’s the .stuff we want. Anything goes that s ! got sex in it.”