.. A JEST OR TWO ..

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 352, 12 May 1928, Page 21

.. A JEST OR TWO ..

A “Low-Lying” Country.—Little Edith: Mother, when I grow up I am going to marry a Dutchman. Mother: But why a Dutchman, Edith ? Little Edith: Oh, I want to be a duchess.

No Encumbrances Now.—“ How does Smith feel about that chauffeur who ran off with his car and his daughter?” asked Batkins. “He’s mighty grateful,” said Bolter. “He says the poor idiot relieved him of two of his most expensive possessions.” • • • Many a True Word. —General: “Confound you, sir, why don't you be careful?” Army Clerk: “What do you mean, sir?” General: “Why, instead of addressing this letter to the Intelligence Officer, you have addressed it to tl Intelligent Officer. You should kno') there is no such person in the army. Reciprocity.—Mr. Jones was taking his young hopeful, aged six, for a little stroll. The youngster was evidently thinking hard, for he was silent, which was unusual. “Daddy,” he said, looking up suddenly, “I think I want to get married.” “Do you, my son? And who to, may I ask,” answered the proud parent. “I want to marry granny.” "Do you. indeed? And do you think I would let you marry my mother, eh?” "Well, why shouldn't I?” retorted the tender logican. "You married mine, didn't you?”

Grin and Bear It.—“ The up-to-date girl does not cry,” says a critic. No. Look at the price of face powder! Sooner or Later.—Agitated Driver: “The brakes refuse to act, m’lady!” Her Ladyship: “Then stop the car, Hopkins; I shall get out and walk.” A Little Runabout.—Visitor: “ITow old is your baby brother?” Little Girl: “tie isn’t old at all. He’s this year’s model.” * * * Fast Worker.—Manageress: “Yes, in teaching shorthand and typewriting we are strong on accuracy.”

Inquirer: “How are you on speed?’ "Well, the last girl we sent out mar ried her employer in three weeks.”

Funeral Reform.—“ Speaking of malapropism,” "I heard recently of a coloured brother asking when his deceased neighbour was going to be ‘interned.’ ‘She ain’t goin’ to be interned.’ was the answer, ’de family done decided to have her incriminated.’ ”

Nothing For Nothing.—Aviators’ stories have been in the air recently, recalling among other matters the experience of one world flyer landing at Darwin. A local resident, pipe in mouth, sat on the fence at Fanny Bay Airdrome, watching the airman and a helper at work on the machine. “Will you give us a hand to lift this wheel?” they asked. The watcher removed his pipe and gave forth speech. "What’s it worth?” he asked. "That’s tli© spirit,” .replied the airman. "now we know we are home.”

Wild and Woolly. —Parson: “Say waiter, are you positive this is wild duck I am eating?” Waiter: “Oh, yes, sir; so wild, in fact, we had to chase it round the back yard for fifteen minutes before we could catch it.”

Doing Business.—Boy: “Please, miss, didn't you say you’d give me a kiss if I could get you some shell grit for your canary?” Miss: “Yes, I did.” Boy: “Here’s the shell grit, and please, I’ve sold tli© kiss to my big brother for sixpence.” Not So Intimate.— Jack: ”1 hear Bill lias a habit of talking to himself when he’s alone.” Jim: "I’m sure I don’t know.” Jack: "Why, I thought you two were intimate friends.” Jim: “Yes, but I was never with him when he was alone.” * * * The Hush-Hush Policy.—lt was the Sabbath, and MacPherson was hammering away at the bottom of his barrow when his wife came to the door. "Mon.” she exclaimed, “ye’re makin’ a muckle clatter. What wull the neebours say?” "Never mind the-neebours,” said the busy one. "I maun get my barra mendit.” The woman thought this over for a minute or two, then—“Oh, but MacPherson, it’s verra wrang tae work on the Sabbath.” she expostulated. “Ye ought tae use screws.”

A Change of Scene.—“ Tough luck," said the egg in the monastery, “out of the frying-pan into the friar.” Wrong Time and Place.—-“I was quite upset when Jack kissed me." “Come off! You’ve been kissed before.” “Yes, but not in a canoe."

Similarly With Hearts.—He: "Betty is a good bridge player. I can’t understand why she did that." She: Well, you led diamonds, and she never returns a diamond.”— “Judge.”

No Mormon.—Countryman (who has never used a telephone): “Exchange, put me through to my wife.” Telephone Girl: “Tell me the number, please." Countryman: “The number? Look here . . . how many wives do you think I’ve got?”

Sticky Sweets. wot’s 'appened ?” said a workman to his mate. “Wot’s ’appened? I'll tell you wot’s ’appened. I ’appened to leave my pot of varnish on the kitchen table, and the missus ’appened to be making a treacle pudding. That’s wot’s ’appened."

A Full Amount.—Having closed the place for the night, a London hotel proprietor noticed his latest bar assistant standing near the till with one hand suspiciously clenched. “What have you got in your hand?" he said. “Only m y fare home,” was the reply. “Show me, demanded the proprietor. and then, “Good heavens! Where do you live—Australia?"

For Art’s Sake.—Young Lady (gazing into fireplace): “Do you ever ses pictures in the fire?” Cynical Art Critic: "No—but I’ve seen many that ought to be.” • • • Rocked to Death.—They had just married and had moved into a quaint little house in Suburbia, advertised as being two minutes’ walk from the station. The young bride was standing on the tiled porch using a new pair of fieldglasses. “Darling,” she cried, “the estate agent who told you that our house was only a stone’s throw from the station is getting out of the train now.” “Oh, is he?” returned her husband, grimly. “Well, give me a brick out bf the garden and I’ll do my best.”

Low-down Trick.—A man was having a trial run in one of those very small cars. They started off through the streets of London. Suddenly the light of day vanished, to reappear a few seconds later. “Hullo,” said the surprised passenger. “was that a tunnel we went under?” “No,” replied the demonstration expert. carelessly, “that was an omnibus.” Henpecked.—At the Spinners’ Arms one night an argument arose as to who had been working with the same master the longest. “I’ve been working under the same boss for forty years,” declared one old minder. “I think I can beat that,” said Bill Smith, “it’s my golden wedding next week.” Not Vindictive. Johnson never dared to ask anyone to his home. He had a wife, and she was not popular | with visitors. “Aren’t you going to ask your friend Tompkins and his : fiancee to our home,” asked the good i lady on one occasion. “Not much!” | replied the husband, who knew a thing lor two and preferred to entertain his I pals at restaurants. “You dislike hint, 'don’t you?” was Mrs. Johnson’s next j query. “A little,” answered her husband, “but not enough for that.”