A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 340, 28 April 1928, Page 28

A JEST OR TWO

Weeds But Not Widow’s. —He: “I thought you said you were going to turn over a new leaf.” She: “I have, my dear —I’ve changed my brand of cigarettes.” Rather Tough.— Wife: Dear, would you like to have mother for lunch? Husband: No, thanks. My digestion isn’t what it used to be.

He: “I was going in for a diplomatic career, but since I have learned that Tunney wants to be an ambassador I am undecided.” — “ll Travaso,” Rome. W* % & & % * & % & SK SK % % 3K a* The Missus Misses. — Hewett: “Does your wife miss you when you are away?” Jewett: “She misses me when I am at home.” Hewett: “What do you mean?” “Jewett: “She can’t throw a cup straight.” Familiarity Breeds Content.— The Vicar: “How did you like my sermon, Mrs. Brown?” Mrs. Brown: “It was splendid, Mr. Smith. It was always my favourite sermon since I was .a little girl. And I think that by omitting that long bit in the middle it was greatly improved.” rtx Uk 'irz -It rk rk

Official Stork’s Nest. —“ Birth certificates are recorded in the city or town clerk’s office where the birth occurs.” m * * Heard the News. —“Do you know Shakespeare well?” “G’wan —you can’t kid me; Shakespeare is dead.” Another Sex Problem. —“ For Sale: Two Toulouse geese and a gander, two years old, all ready to lay.—A.K.” * * sfs Mathematics Made Easy. —“ You have 10 potatoes and have to divide them between three persons; what do you do?” “Mash them.” * * * At the Photographer’s. —“ Won’t you have your children enlarged?” “That is superfluous; they grow too fast already.” * * * Rip Van Winkle Wakes Up. —“ Radio man will exchange bow and arrows for B batteries or speaker unit.” Sob Stuff. —“ What is the greatest water-power known to man?” “Woman’s tears.” * * * Hoped for the Best. —“ What is meant by ‘a glad surprise’, pa?” “It would be a glad surprise, my boy, if your mother did not give cigars for my birthday.” * * * Couldn’t Resist. —A bailiff took the chair at a Leeds public meeting last week. I understand that from sheer force of habit he took the table as well. * * * Putting on Side.— “ Did you hear about the Scotsman who went to have a profile picture taken?” “No.” “T-Ie only had one side of his suit pressed.” m m * “Excuse me, madam, but will you tell me what the play is about: My wife will suspect I never came here if I can’t tell her.” —“Karikaturen,” Oslo. m m m “Did you see that girl smile at me as she passed?” “That’s nothing. The first time I saw you I laughed!” —“Nagels Lustige Welt,” Berlin. *. * * “I wish I knew what to do with my husband. He talks in his sleep.” “I can give you something for him that will stop that.” “I don’t want to stop it. I want to make him talk plainer” —“Kasper,” Stockholm. • * * A three-year-old boy enters a tobacconist’s and says:' “Have you any empty cigarette boxes ?” “No. We have none!” “Then don’t you sell anything in this business, you fathead?”—“Sondagsnisse- Strix,” Stockholm. * * * It Cuckoo’d Three, so he Cuckoo'd Eight More. —“ What time is it?” suspiciously asked wifey as he came in. “About one,” he answered. Just then the clock struck three. "Gracious!” he exclaimed, “how that clock stutters. I always knew there was something wrong with it.” * * * The Strongest Weapon. —Fiance: “You are much too coquettish, Elsa dear, and much too friendly to other men.” Fiancee: “But I do my best to keep men away from me.” Fiance: “No you don’t. You have never even sung to them.”