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Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 340, 28 April 1928, Page 28

nf tit tic tif rl? -if -It tlf rr: rit Hors D’Qeuvres. —The Traveller: And what course do you intend to take with me ? The Cannibal King: Oh, the usual one, I suppose. You’ll come after the fish! * * * Or His Securities. —Magistrate: “I am told you have already been convicted fourteen times for this same offence. Aren’t you ashamed to have to acknowledge that?” Prisoner: “No your worship. I don’t think any man ought to be ashamed of his convictions!”

Try Oakum. —Tommy: “Pa, which is the heavier, lead or gold?” Mr. Figg: “Gold, of course. It’s ever so much harder to pick up.” • * * Not Enough for Two. —Elderly gentleman, to workman in tramcar, who frequently takes nips from his bottle: “Do you know, my man, I nevertasted spirits in my life?” Working Man: “No, an’ you ain’t a-goin’ to begin now, neither!” -!? rk nk -I- -1- rj- -f: f!~ "it r\~ ~\x rjj rk

Time, Tide and Woman. —He: “Are you going to wait for me?” She: “Sure, if you come right now.” * * Wanted A Hero! —Village Resident: “That’s the site for our memorial.” Stranger: “What will it commemorate?” Village Resident: “Dunno. Nothin’s happened yet, but we’re a-waiting’.” m m m Or A Shattered Rocking-horse. —A paint manufacturer recently received a request: “Gentlemen —will you please send us some of your striped paint? We want just enough for one barberpole.” v * * Or the Hide of a Clothes-horse.— Jack: “Say, Gus, what is this steel wool I hear so much about?” Gus: “I’m not sure, Jack, but I think it is made from the fleece of hydralic rams.” m m m Means and the End. —“ Why did you steal the shilling, my boy?” “Please, sir. I wanted to go to the pictures to see ‘The Ten Commandments ’ ” * * * Well Worth It.—“ How did you screw up courage to propose to the rich Mrs. MacTavish. Sandy?” “Losh. mon, twas awful! I’d sworn I’d do it come Monday nicht, so I took her for a ride in a taxi, and wi’ one eye on the meter tickin’ awa’ I had her won at the end o’ half a crown.” m m m New Worlds To Conquer. —“ls Clare much put out at being jilted by that young aviator.” “Oh, no. She says there are just as good birds in the air as ever were caught.” * * * Ready To Learn. —The Angler (who has buttonholed an acquaintance) : “My boy, you never saw such a fish in your life. But, curse him! He got away from me.” The' Other (hopefully): “Did he? How?” * * * Garden Hints. —Merely calling a spade a spade never gets the garden made. Hint to amateur farmers: If you fork over, Nature will. The seed catalogue shows pictures of everything except the backache. m m m No Ringing The Changes. —The emigrant was buying his ticket at the shipping office. “And what about your trunk?” demanded the clerk. “For what would I be wanting a trunk?” asked the bewildered emigrant. “To put your clothes in, of course,” replied the clerk. “What?” cried the scandalised man. “and me go naked.” * * * A “Bare” Escape. —A certain explorer once entertained a company with hairraising stories of his adventures in the Polar regions. “And once,” he was saying, “I was met by a Polar bear when my gun was unloaded. I had no means of escaping from the monster. Tears came to my eyes as I thought of my wife and children.” “And then—” breathed the audience excitedly. “Why,” continued the explorer, “the tears froze hard as a rock, and ramming them into my gun, I shot the Polar bear through the brain!”

A Very Wee Doch and Doris. —Once on an Aberdeenshire grouse-moor a sportsman became lost in the darkness. At last, when he was soaked to the skin, he perceived through the gloom, the light of a cottage. He made his way to the door and knocked. “Ah, my good man,” he said to the crofter, “I’ve got lost and I’m so wet I believe I have a chill coming on. Do you think you could let me have a little whisky?” An agonised expression crossed the Scot’s face as he said. “About how little would you be wantin’?”